Still holding back

There are so many things that I want to tell you. There are so many times when I want to be with you. But I can't say and do these things, because you're so easy to overwhelm. I understand, of course. If I'm overwhelmed, I can't expect another person to simply be able to cope with my problems. You always thought you could do just that, and I started to believe you. It's been a painful reminder that people never even know themselves completely.

It takes strength to hold back, to carry oneself on. What we're doing isn't easy. I'm not at all justifying that you're trying to abandon me, please understand that. But I know that it's hard to not know what to do, so you blindly put your trust in someone else. We both have done that.

That's okay. We're human. Humans have faults. Human perfection is imperfection. And I will always love you.

Carrying on

Today I felt strong. Maybe it's partly because I felt so weak yesterday, so I'm relatively strong today? Even though I do still feel bad, I also feel that I can come up with a plan. I was frustrated today, but I was thinking rather clearly. I'm coming to good conclusions about my thoughts for once in quite a while. I'm more confident in myself and in life today.

One thing that has definitely helped is talking to you here. Not only is there still that hope that you'll read this, but according to statistics each of my posts prior to this one at this time has been read at least once by someone. Like I've said before, other peoples' caring all adds up, and on good days like today that certainly means something. I wonder how many people are simply reading to support me, how many are reading to try to understand, and how many are reading because they relate. I especially wonder if there is anyone who eagerly awaits my twice-daily divulgences. I missed one post on the 9th, but that's okay because I said a lot in the post I did make.

I was delighted this evening by something you told someone. You commented to a YouTuber that she should name one of the dogs in her Minecraft miniseries after my long-deceased cat. It makes me smile that things I've shared with you come to mind when you're happy. I wonder now if you can't bear to talk to me because you can't bear to see me so absolutely depressed? Do you like to always think of the good, happy, fun times we had together? I'm sure that you could just wish all my pain away; everyone who loves me wishes that. You could start toward fulfilling that wish by speaking to me again, but it'll be a while until you can know that that was always the answer.