A hello to our old friend

Today was the birthday of a mutual friend of ours. I called him at the start of the hour to give him my best wishes, and we chatted and caught up for quite a while. It's been months since I last talked to him. I wonder how long it's been for you? He didn't mention that anyone else wished him a happy birthday, but I kinda have doubts that you bothered to do so. You don't really go out of the way to talk to people, though you're better at remembering birthdays than I am.

You always complained about having no real friends. You'd have real friends if you kept up with them, you know. Silly hermit fox, it would only take the occasional text or call to keep some real friends. Inviting someone to go somewhere, even just to the mall, would be a great move too. Considering your regular habit of alienating your friends, I shouldn't be so surprised that you abandoned me when I needed you the most. Yet it's still a shock.

Our friend is currently enjoying his birthday currently with Skyrim. Almost tempts me to play Skyrim again, but I don't have any extra content like you and he do. Perhaps once I've taken my last final for the mod on Wednesday I'll play around with it. Nah, I'll probably be busy with something else. My little brother was discouraged by the first episode of the sixth season of Supernatural, so it'll be a while before we watch that again. In the meantime, I've been working and watching anime. Finally working on that big to-watch list!

I mentioned that he, I, and others we know should all just hang out somewhere sometime. He mentioned that we should chat more often. That's the sort of proactivism that friendship is made of. Those sort of casual suggestions are what can make someone really be a friend to you. Try reconnecting!

Handling regret

I was thinking about the last time I tried to visit you. That scary time. I thought someone horrible had done something to you. I was so panicked and I didn't handle it correctly at all, because I didn't know how to. I ended up as the bad guy, when I was lost and too anxious to change things. It's not something that I particularly want to remember clearly, but I do remember each minute of it. I don't want to talk about it now, but I'll likely make myself write about it another time.

This memory makes me very uncomfortable. I know there was a better way for it to have happened, but I can't blame myself for reacting as I did. I know that, if anything, I should blame that stranger who was at your house, but that's just not how I like to think. I try not to blame other people, because I can't control them. I try to think about how I can take responsibility, how I can handle things moving forward. But that incident is a huge regret and truly resolving this mess is an option unavailable to me. There are times when it's better to defy personal philosophy, but that doesn't make the action feel right.

What I noticed today, though, is that I could handle that memory much better know than when it occupied me in the past. It's usual for me to have physical reactions to those kinds of memories, to deal with the feeling of helplessness. The energy helplessness creates is like a pliable clay streaming to places not quite defined, blurring back through some other unclear edge and creating an exasperating loop around my body. Not so much of that today. I was able to reflect while continuing what I was doing, with not even a troubled facial expression. I'm glad to be at a point where that is possible.

It's a step closer to being the right person again.

Perhaps programming something

So it's past 6AM and I haven't gone to sleep. I could have gotten off a few hours ago when my friend finished with the therapy session, but I have just been so caught up in programming since yesterday. Even though I'd certainly appreciate some shut-eye, a part of me wants to just keep going! That's how hobbies or interests work, I guess, haha.

I think I'm now satisfied with what I've gotten done. There was a lot of, "Let's delete that, it's too complicated," followed by, "Dammit, that's the best way to get it done," and repeat. Once I decided to take on the complication, I had fun seeing it through, and I feel smart for finishing it. Not that I'm finished with my coding. I've got a whole lot more to do.

There's a concept in programming called a singleton. The idea is that there is only one instance of a class throughout runtime. The One Ring could be a good singleton. There is one ring to rule them all, just one in all of existence. Thing is, I don't really see the point of even instantiating a class if there will only ever be one instance. I prefer to make all the fields and most of the methods static, so they can be accessed directly from the class instead of from an instance. The class is the class, no matter what, with no duplicates, and accessible from everywhere, so I think this is the best way of approaching it. Back to the One Ring metaphor, when I mess with the Ring I call it the One Ring, and it is everpresent. Someone who prefers to instantiate would be calling it My Precious, and they may lose it somewhere and have to find it again.

Singletons are just one of the coding concepts I've been employing. I hope the metaphor helped you to get it. Now, I should probably call it a morning. I've got three messages to write today, this one included. Don't worry, I'll keep to it. Time to head to bed...