I couldn't kill it

I've been thinking about what I really am. Obviously, I'll never understand exactly what I am, just like nobody else will. But, mainly, I've been clearing up to myself what I am to you. When I speak to you, I am a burden. When you ignore me, I'm a wreck. When you threaten me, I think that I'm a threat. That last part, though... what am I really capable of, I've been asking myself?

I was so worried when I heard today that you hadn't come home after school. I was worried sick that you were completely gone or you were going to vanish. I was so glad when I was told that people know where you are and that you're okay. You're probably even enjoying yourself. I really hope that you're enjoying yourself, wherever you are. I hope you're only having happy thoughts about me. And, surely, you're with at least one other person, so I hope that you and anyone you're with are enjoying your time together.

Worrying about you that much let me know what I'm capable of. I would not destroy you. I could not eliminate our relationship. I don't even know anymore if I'm capable of suicide. I didn't realize what I actually am when I asked, "Do you want her to be safe, or do you want me to live?" I'm not the sort of threat that I could jeopardize your existence nor mine.

I am incapable of killing us in any way. I love you too much. Maybe I love myself too much. Perhaps I even love the people who support me too much. Is this part of my healing, to realize that I'm rendered so helpless by my love? People keep telling me to be strong, but I've been loathing that more and more. No, I am weak. I am human, and I'm vulnerable. That's what I've always needed to realize. I'm not strong enough to control you, not strong enough to determine my own death, not strong enough to make anyone listen, and I should never again think that I am strong. Strength doesn't come from me, and it was never meant to come from me.

That's it, then. No more being strong. I'm weak, vulnerable, and loving. I'm human. And, of course, I'm yours.

A lovely friday the 13th

I was just thinking about how today, Friday the 13th, is right before Valentine's Day. I wonder how many people delivered their Valentine's lines earlier to avoid bad luck, and how many are putting it off until the day of. I'm almost certain that SDUSD gave students Friday off just because it was the 13th. "Well, there's a small reason to do it, and not really a reason not to do it," I imagine someone shrugging while drawing up the proposal. "It makes the students happy, avoids a day at school some may dread, and provides more time for Valentine's plans."

I haven't been wary of Friday the 13th for a few years. Even if it were to actually bring bad luck, I can't think of any bad luck that I would care about very much right now. In fact, if any bad luck were to occur, now would sure the most convenient time for it. Or maybe this year's bad luck with be not having anything bad happen at all, to wait for a time when it'll hit me harder?

Nah, I seriously don't believe in the whole Friday the 13th superstition. Same goes for Jason Voorhees, but it's entertaining to consider him. I never did actually watch anything exclusively in the Friday the 13th franchise. I watched the Angry Video Game Nerd play an old Friday the 13th game, and you and I watched Freddy vs. Jason together. It'd be a favor if he came after me today, so I'd say I'm safe from that, too. People in horror movies are only killed when they want to live, right?

I hope you haven't had any bad luck today. Don't be paranoid. The only horrible thing about today is that it isn't tomorrow, right? Heheh, enjoy yourself until then!