Plenty of problems

Many people look around themselves and think, "Everything is okay, or at least normal." If we always thought that something is wrong, we'd be very stressed. I'm talking beyond pessimism, more along the lines of paranoia. I recognize that, most of my recent time, everything is okay and normal. It's too bad that I don't care for that more.

How good my life is won't be the subject of this message, though. I want to talk about how, truly, everything is not okay. I know many people with many problems. They may seem like normal people who are doing okay, but how they feel inside is not at all ideal. Some of them are managing their problems. Some of them are covering up and denying their problems. They're not well, but they are or they act okay enough to get through the day. I don't particularly expect these people to have been working with such difficulties, but then again it doesn't surprise me. Looks can be deceiving; a look at how I was before this year wouldn't suggest to most people that I would be in the state that I am in now. And if, as I believe, nobody can every fully know another person, then of course it's easy to miss what is bothering another person. Consider how long it took me to identify your deal with depression.

I recently opened up to another person face-to-face about my situation. It turns out that this person was dealing with depression and heartbreak as well, and had much to relate to me. Now this conversation is open between us, where I expected only to be briefing the other person on my depression. It's mind-boggling, what stays hidden. We can only hope to discover things about people that we can understand.

The bottom line is, problems are the norm. Problems are not an excuse to turn away, because turning away from every problem means turning away from the world entirely. That shouldn't be acceptable. It's okay to see the world in a rosey tint, but it isn't okay to ignore the dark spots. There's a good lot of them.

I just walked off

I mentioned before that I had a horrible realization about my grandpa. That unveiling kept on today. Yesterday I asked if I could take Good Friday off to go to church, and my grandpa got very skeptical of my intentions. I told him that I wanted to go to church to help myself spiritually. He thought I just wanted to skip out on work. I've told him many times that I don't want to go to work with him, but I do it to keep myself doing something. I legitimately think spending Good Friday in church could do me good, but he thought I was just giving up on work for that day.

He's an okay person, really. He's really anxious, though. He's always full of lots of emotions, aggravated by his situation (which is much worse than mine, from a neutral perspective). The horrible part is that he projects his feelings on other people and usually refuses to acknowledge that he's feeling angry or acting irrationally. He says that everyone else is angry, when he's the one raging. I've said many times that I cannot be angry, but he doesn't consider what I say. Even when I'm letting my melancholy twist my lips into a frown and my brows crease my forehead up, he can't see anything but his own fury on my face.

So he yelled at me today, like usual. He ignored what I said, like usual. He said that I should just make myself feel better, like usual. What he added, though, was that he needed an actual laborer. So then what the hell was I doing there? I walked away. I took the keys to his house and walked far away. I took a cab back to his house, took my car keys, left his keys at his house, and drove in my car back home. All that for the price of wasted time, $24.60, gas, and potentially my pay for the job. None of that matters to me, so all in all it was worth it.

I kept going to work so that I could be moving and become suitable for you. But being at work with my grandpa made me feel too many times like I'm so worthless and should die. That's not where I want to head. I don't care how much more difficult it will be for him, how much money he would have given me, what my family will think. I'm not willing to trade in what little stability I have, not willing to stray away from being good enough for you.