Empty indulgence

To keep up this whole lie that I'm okay, I have to not fret about the future. I'd like to have a plan, but when I try to think one up the possible failures pop up too. In my state, those thoughts of failure really rattle me. So I indulge myself completely in the present, and that's not really healthy either. Well, I've accepted that I can't really be healthy in this situation, so that's not so much of a concern. Whatever gets me by goes right now.

Indulging myself in something inconsequential feels pretty empty when you're not involved. I feel like a little kid, aimless and distracted. Better than letting myself feel my depression and stress, I guess.

A month

One month has passed since my emotions began to flare. On the first day of last month, I spent much of my time with you. When I am by your side, I feel well. I cling to you because you make me feel safe from myself. You once told me that, when you're alone and everything is silent, dark thoughts consume you. If being with me quieted those thoughts, now I completely understand why you held on to me so tightly. Holding you clears my thoughts. I love having nothing but your presence in my mind.

I didn't want to leave you, but the promise of seeing you the next day left me able to cope with being away from you. Today, the next day is much further away than it should be.