This grinds on

I officially can't speak to you. You could choose now to tell me whatever you like, and I could not legally respond. I don't think that you'll do that, though. This lasts for a few weeks, then a judge gets to decide how much more time to implement. I was given these court papers today, when I'd been thinking yesterday that a simple conversation between us could fix everything. Too late for a conversation now.

How this grinds on... precious time is wasting away. Tense feelings are lingering. Every day I'm suffering, and I'm praying that you aren't suffering as badly. I have a lot of trouble imagining that I'm on your mind as much as you are on mine. And I'd like to think, despite the things I've heard from people, that a good deal of those thoughts are lovely memories.

I'll stay right here, weak and empty, as I continue to endure every day without you. Depressing thoughts continue to grind into my consciousness, but I'll bear them for you. And, of course, I will turn wherever I can, so that I can make it to the day that we can be friends.

Singing loneliness away

One thing that's been bothering me lately is that I want to talk to other people but I don't much anything to say that isn't about you. Sometimes I forget to talk to people for that reason. I don't have the urge to scream or cry, but I've left myself seething with lonely and worried thoughts. I've noticed myself listening to these songs and singing whatever I remember of their lyrics. Yes, I take a painful amount of creative license. I get too lazy on high notes, and my voice breaks. I replace and slur forgotten lyrics. But I'm not singing for anyone but myself, so that doesn't matter.

I find that doing this helps me deal with being unable to talk. My vocal chords are vibrating, and I'm telling a story. They're not always my story, but I don't mind that because it distracts me. And, even though I'm not singing to anyone, I don't feel as alone when I sing along with the music. I'll chalk that up to distraction again.

You do it, too. With your cute voice low, when you think nobody's listening, you mumble lyrics in tune. You hate being alone; do you feel this same way when you sing, then? You are never courageous enough to all-out sing in front of me, though I sing along to some songs when we're together. I can imagine you humming along to something now, and that makes me smile.