What can be said

In less than two weeks, I'll be talking with you. In front of a judge, yes. Still talking with you, more than doing this blog is. I don't intend to act. I'm just going to be what I am. And I do expect the whole room to be filled with the vibration of my emptiness.

I keep thinking, hoping, and dreading. What am I going to say? I want the judge not to grant the restraining order. And I want you to reach back out to me and talk to me. What will I say to make that happen? On top of that, I have no idea what you're going to say. I have no idea if I'm going to cry. I don't even want to think about if you keep me away from you. I can't bear to think about that. If that happens, I'll have to burden so many people to stay where I am.

And, if you do reach back out to me? What will I say to convince you to hold my hand? I can't even begin to think about that. If I plan for that and it turns out that you won't reach out in the first place, I'll be even more crushed. Not going to push that far into the future.

When I speak, I hope everyone listens.

I honestly forget

Sometimes I realize that there is a certain thing that I want to say to you. But I put off posting it here. I start listening to music, reading G+ posts, and watching videos. In the process of all that, I forget what I was wanting to say.

I've said to you, "If you don't remember it then it mustn't have been so important." I'm not sure that's true. Being able to put my feelings into words is very important, both for my wellbeing and your understanding. I think it may be the fact that I don't care about myself anymore. The concepts and words I found slip away because I've discredited myself. I'm not important, so these things I want to say about myself aren't important, and they disappear.

Forgetting what I want to say isn't even forgetting about you. So, even if forgetting about you is a good thing, forgetting my words is no progression. When everything is quiet, the helplessness of being unable to express myself punches in. The emptiness of a person with no words sinks in. The desperation to escape...

Please, never forget about me. Come back. I need your help.