Do something else to waste time

I've been thinking about why I often put off writing these messages. I know that I'm uncomfortable with not quite being depressed nor fine, with not knowing whether I'm slipping back down. I'm even skeptical of my feelings, especially the ones that say that I don't need help anymore. I know that I'm not alright because I haven't stopped feeling bad; I know that I can't write those feelings off. So why is my mind trying to tell me o pretend? Especially when pretending is what breaks me?

I'm not in danger right now. But if I start lying to myself again and I crumble once again? I could be right back at square one. I could want to hurt myself again. I'd lose the ability to go about my life again. I'm not downright scared like I was when I was at my deepest point, but I am afraid of going back. No, saying that it's okay does not help. I can't be complacent again, after all the progress that I've made.

And so I think this is why I often write these late at night. All day I hear the thought, "I'm just fine now. I don't need to write anymore. I should waste my time with something more fun." It's not true. This has helped me, it's still helping me, and it's even helping others. I'm not fine, and there honestly shouldn't be anything more worth it than writing here. Maybe I should set aside more time to write messages under the art & poetry tag. Tinkering with those little projects is something that I've found fun lately. Maybe that'll be two birds with one stone. I'll have to try.

Another thought: "Its all meaningless. This is just to waste time until she comes back. What does it matter what I do, as long as I do something?" But you're not coming back unless I get better, and I'm not good enough yet. There must be a purpose to what I do, and that purpose is you.

Stupid response to a stupid saying

Someone asked about us today. I said that we weren't together anymore. It was hard on you, now it's hard on me. I didn't want to go into detail. Guess what the response was? "There's plenty of other fish in the sea." Yes, that.

It's not the first time I've heard that, but most people I've talked to know better than to use that cliché advice. Well, it's not even advice. It doesn't say what to do, really. It just belittles love and relationships. Trust me, if you truly cared then that is not the way to go.

I just responded, "Yeah." But I finally got down to thinking, just how is it wrong? And how can I explain it in the same sort of metaphor? Well, here's my attempt. We swam wonderfully together in beautiful reefs. I love your scales no matter how the light shines on them. Through so many waves, despite so many predators, we nudged each other through. With you, I felt that no hook would ever make it into my mouth. We swam in lovely circles and excitedly flitted over sand and coral. The water a always felt just right when you were in it with me.

I could swim with another fish. But the ocean will never feel the same when your fin isn't fluttering against mine.