Gentle push

There's got to be a way that I can somehow nudge you in the right direction. There's got to be a way that I can help you. But, most importantly! There's got to be some way to stay weak while doing that.

I still honestly don't care what bad opinions other people have of me. If I were to be strong, I would see you again. But for you to get better and for me to stay out of trouble, I need to stay weak. However, even the weak have ability. I'm able, at least now, to fulfill the responsibilities given to me in my life, yet I remain weak. Surely there's something I can delicately do to positively affect our situation.

So, what I can do mustn't involve you and me. It has to involve other things, other people. That'll do, because we have so many things and people in common. I think I can actually do this. I'll keep my thoughts on that a surprise. Maybe I'll mention it here as it happens. The vagueness, the suspense!

Even though I'm holding back my thoughts, don't be scared. What matter are my intentions. You said to me, "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to get hurt, either." Those are the words I'll say myself as I stay weak but try to give this gentle push.

Woke up later

Today I actually managed to wake up later than usual. Normally, I can't wake up later than 7; today I woke up at 8:30. I wonder if this is some sort of sign of recovery. Maybe the early waking time wasn't a symptom of depression at all but a coincidence. I think today was nicer than most days, really. What made it any better?

Though maybe I shouldn't be asking these questions until it becomes a pattern. We'll see whether I can wake up later tomorrow as well. And, if I do, we'll see whether that day seems nicer to me. I didn't really see myself doing anything different today, so I'm pretty sure this was a natural, honest mood shift. I hope my decent mood persists into tomorrow, because I'm happy to genuinely not suffer as much from depression.

I'm not saying that I didn't suffer at all. A handful of bad thoughts floated around in my head today. But... considering it, perhaps there was one thing I did differently. I thought about what you love much more than usual. I was smiling about you more than I was frowning about your abandonment. Thinking about it, I talk about you as if you'll come to see me by the end of the week. Maybe I should fantasize that in order to be happy? It's not too big of a lie to tell myself; for all I know, you could do just that.