The legal threat doesn't really matter

I realized the most peculiar thing. I don't really care about all this restraining order bullshit. While I'm running around filing legal papers, I don't feel any worse than I normally do. Filling out those legal forms hasn't really tossed me for an emotional beatdown. I was filling my ears with electro while typing my statement, but that's more the pain of recounting what's been done wrong. And that's probably the reason for the one typo I made.

Though, as the hearing draws nearer, I am anxious. I want to say the right things. I want you and the judge to hear and care. At the same time, I'm scared that I'll say things that will only worsen things for me, like when I talked to the police. I'm not looking forward to the continued suffering, but I know that it will probably occur whatever the ruling is. Most likely, you still won't be ready to fix this on Friday. I just don't want a restraining order to get in the way when you are ready.

I'm concerned for me. I'm concerned for you. The legal stuff on its own honestly hardly concerns me. I just want us to be okay.

Depressed isn't the worst thing

I'm somewhat relieved that I'm primarily depressed. It's better than, for example, being primarily irritable. I surely wouldn't be able to keep a smile with strangers if I were primarily irritable. And it's much better that I'm not primarily murderous. I mean, then I would actually be a threat. One more example? I'm glad that I'm not primarily vicious. There are fates worse than death, and I have no desire to bind people to those fates.

Being depressed is harmful to the people around me, but it certainly isn't the worst thing. I said I'd lie to people, and I am lying, but my mask slips away very easily. I've trained myself so well to open up to people that covering up is now difficult. Still, my efforts have helped the people around me. They're happier when they see me acting happy, laughing, indulging myself. You'd be happy around me, too; since being with me helps me overcome my depression, my coverup would be more effective.

All in all, I'm somewhat satisfied that I'm only depressed. That means that I'm not a threat. And that means that I can be with you.