Why bother

In the beginning, a plethora dark, torturous thoughts pushed me toward disappearance. In their stead, now, I've found one thought floating around, pushing in a different direction. I will always tell yourself that you will speak to me again. I will keep going forever just on that faith. If you never show up, I'll keep going. If you do show up, you were always satisfied with what I used to be. I've even been trying to accept the possibility that you may never love me enough to be with me again. So why bother improving myself, really?

It's not the urge to disappear anymore. It's not an urge at all, really. This is who I was, too short-sighted, shallow, and indulgent. I usually handled problems just by saying that they aren't problems. I keep thinking that I'm fine as I am, and I know I'm still not. I'm not even just talking depression. This is a normal issue that I can now see.

There's one part where my thought may be wrong, I recognize. I left you alone. We've been without each other. I'm sure you won't accept how I was before. Sometimes, remembering that lets me do what I must. Other times, I admit that I give up. At least I'm still going, though.

Rain today

There have been showers all day today. Interesting how I complained about rain in shows just yesterday, and behold it rains today. Nah, meteorology predicted it, I just didn't realize it. At some points the drops really pounded down. It was pretty fantastic. I'm glad that the only qualm I have about driving in the rain is the over-cautiousness of other drivers. I regret staying inside; this could have been a good opportunity to be touched by the world. It wasn't so bad to only hear the rainfall on my roof, though. I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow, too, so I can admire the weather then.

I saw something peculiar on the roads. In many places, there was a mist upon the wet ground. It hasn't been sunny all day, so the roads haven't been hot, thus it couldn't just be the water evaporating. The fog floated mysteriously along the ground in just certain stretches of road. Maybe this fog wasn't a result of the wet road, but vice verse. Perhaps some of the damp streets were the fault of small, ground-hugging clouds. The answer doesn't actually interest me. I'm just poking at the bewitching images kept in my head of nature.

Surely you saw some of this, too. If you did, I wonder what you thought of it. I wonder what you felt even just about the rain. I hope it didn't catch you too badly while you were walking. I don't think you care as much for the rain as I do.