Not in the best state

Today I didn't have lecture in my class, so I drove to the bay and walked. It's been a while since I did that. You know how I stayed up all Monday morning but it wasn't the same because of my depression? Well, ever since I started walking the bay I've never felt burdened by traversing 6 miles over the course of a few hours, but today I did. On the way back, I started to regret walking so far. I wanted to stop somewhere, take another break. I wanted to go home. I blame the fact that my depression has been more mild.

When I first started walking, I was suicidal. I was so close to the edge. Walking that distance gave me something. It held my attention. I can't say that I'm unhappy with not being suicidal anymore. Trust me, I'm glad that I feel safe from myself. But I'm disappointed that I couldn't have the same dedication today as I did then. Where did that dedication go? Towards watching TV shows?

I hate being in this limbo. I'm not enough of myself to be as I was before we became friends. I'm not empty enough to easily disregard my desires. I'm even questioning whether I'll now pull up and out of this depression or, like I thought before, I'll dive back down until I catch the next extraordinary mood. In the meanwhile, I'm parts useless, pained, and self-loathing. I'd rather be closer to nothing again. But I think being like this is better than my depression is for the people around me.

Dull beauty

In a photo, a recreation, or the place before me, I see beauty and think, "That's beautiful." But depression saps the feeling of it. I recognize that it's gorgeous, but it doesn't touch me as it should. I keep some images and take some photographs. I show other people and I feel satisfied that they enjoy it. I keep these pictures for that, but also for myself in the future. One day, I'll be able to look at them and have them caress my heart.

There are three exceptions. I always find beauty in these three things. When I have a look, I feel well, even smile. I can sigh in awe, I can be glad that it's been with me. I try to adjust, try to appreciate everything else the world has to offer. I can't just bury myself in these three things. But, once in a while, it's good to indulge myself with memories and photographs.

The night, the rain, and you. Perhaps those are the three most important loves of my life. That must be why they are always so precious to me.