Fear in okay

I'm cautious when I say that I'm okay, for two reasons. One reason is that I don't want to deceive people who would like to listen. If I don't actually feel well, those people who are bothering to understand should be given the truth. The other reason is that I don't want to deceive myself. Even if I do feel okay, I don't want to say it and then think that I can do without things that have helped me.

Yesterday, I wrote that I'm okay. While I think that still stands, I must admit that I don't feel as okay today. Maybe I see that statement as a relatively long-term consideration, reaching back into the recent past and extending into the near future. If I say that I'm okay, I believe that I've been okay, and I expect to continue being okay.

I'm not particularly worried about how I feel right now. I just had a few suicidal thoughts today. They weren't too intense. I didn't seriously consider them. Nothing happened today that should have triggered those thoughts, but there doesn't really have to be justification. Still, perhaps the justification is that those thoughts serve as reminders to take care of myself, after my declaration yesterday. Reminders that I can't get ahead of myself, or those sorts of thoughts may become more of an issue. That's all.

However, I'm still confident that I'm okay. I hope that doesn't change, but I will stay alert. For the most part, I've gone through this all hoping that I'll at least be just as well the next day. I seem to have passed that uncomfortable state I was in a month ago. I'm relieved and satisfied about that.

Move on is the wrong advice

That's what I've learned from all of this. It is hardly ever right to just move on. Maybe it's best to define what I think moving on means. I think it's leaving behind, moving away, forgetting, detaching. However, the fact is that nobody can truly move on from their past or their present. They can lie about it, but that doesn't change it. Maybe people can move on from their future. Perhaps that's the only type of moving on that I accept, because the future is prone to change.

I'm not sure that things necessarily happen for a reason. That doesn't mean that we should assume that events are meaningless or simply take them as tragedies. Life may be a big, written, sectioned, timed test. The best strategy is to first try to answer the question; if that takes too long, come back to it later. Other questions may even help reveal the answer to the one you've set aside. There are some questions that won't be given until you're given the next section. Try to answer all the questions in a section before you're handed the next, or the incomplete answers will pile up. As later questions can help to answer prior ones, prior questions often build up to later answers; don't assume that all answers will simply come in time.

I feel like that metaphor is more complicated than what I actually tried to get across. Instead of moving on from an event that you consider to be an issue, try to find the lessons in and solution to it. If you can't see the solutions now, set the issue aside but do not forget it. Consider the issue regularly, but not incessantly. There are other events that you need to tend to daily. Even if you've come to a conclusion, don't be afraid to reevaluate and reaffirm it. It is not a bad thing to think, especially with a wonderful mind like yours.

The biggest difference between life and a written test is that your answers to events in life, or lack thereof, affect other lives. When my answer was, "End it with her, because she's not loyal enough," it changed your life. When your answer was, "Don't stay by him, because he's making me worse," it changed my life. Learning from life takes a lot of effort. Resolving issues takes a lot of effort. Moving on can take effort, but without teaching nor resolving. It's a waste, leaving useless blanks.

Your solution to my distress is a huge blank that you left. I can't make you fill it in. I can only ask you to look at it.