I hugged my grandpa

The other day my grandpa was at my house when I drove home with my little brother. I knew he'd be there; my grandma gave me a heads-up before I left. I've already told you that I stopped working with him and why. I'm not ready to work with him again. He's not able to help me with my depression.

But I walked into my bag yard, greeted him, and hugged him. He may not have the empathy that I need, but I still love my grandpa. He isn't constantly trying to hurt me. He wants me to be better, but his way of trying to help is ineffective. I don't think that I should stop caring for him completely because of those things. After all, it doesn't hurt me to give him a hug. It helps him when I do.

I'm not talking with him. I know that I'll inevitably be hurt. But I think that what I did is enough. He can dismiss the idea that I'm angry at him. He doesn't have to worry that I don't want to ever see him. That's all I can do, and that's what I will do. When I see him, I'll greet him, and I'll embrace him.

I wish that you could give me at least that much.

I just did it too

I had a friend for the past few months. I've been trying to help my friend. Self-harms, lashes out at the people around her, is suicidal, self-neglecting, self-loathing. That's okay with me. What isn't okay is that my friend would not get help. My friend just can't see a psychologist. My friend just can't go to the hospital. Of course my friend could, but can't... I'm across the world from my friend, so I can't do a thing either.

Look. I've made a decision. I've been trying to help you for months, but there's nothing I can even do. The only thing that I've changed is that I've built up frustration and despair in myself by being involved in you.
"I'm not going to talk to you until you seek help. I don't care what you seek help for, whether it's your physical problems or your mental problems, I just need you to take a step forward. Feel free to keep messaging me, but I won't message back until you tell me what it was like to finally get help.
"I love you. But I can't carry your burden if you'll never try to make it lighter. So, goodbye for now.

Tonight, I left my friend. That is what I said. After weeks of feeling helpless and slowly having my hope trampled, I realized it. I said that I don't leave a person unless they've hurt me. I'm hurt. My worry and helplessness has been growing and it's been digging into me. It hurts. My friend just recently tried to commit suicide, even though I pleaded not to be abandoned again. My friend has been paining me so badly, and can't do anything to help. I didn't want to leave my friend all alone, after so many people had done so. I didn't want to be a hypocrite for leaving like you left me. I've left.

I think I can say that I'm not a hypocrite, though. I'm not leaving like you did. You left after 3 days, after I had gone to a psychologist like you asked me to. I left after several weeks, after my friend refused to seek help over and over again. I've given a condition for me to speak again and said I'd still listen, while you simply left me scared and directionless and aren't even listening anymore. I don't want my friend to let me go, I just want to see my friend start fighting to improve. Would you truly even care anymore if death dragged me away from my goal?

No, I will never put my friends through what you've put me through. Maybe I can't take feeling responsible, but I'll never my friends away when they need me. Perhaps this can't be counted as leaving; I've only turned my back, standing in place. You're gone, except that I grip you tightly in my heart in order to stay alive, despite the fact that you refuse me all hope. My hope is the only thing I actually have left that means anything to me.