It's faith, not trust

I used to think that the one I needed to end up with was a person I could absolutely trust. For years, I thought I could absolutely trust you. You kept every secret that I asked you to keep. You would tell me everything that came up about yourself. You had trouble telling me things about her, but I tried to understand; she's shy, distrustful, and she gave you her own secrets that I had no right to know. Plus your love for her rubbed off on me too, so it was easier to let it be. This was still the equivalent to me of absolute trust. Most importantly, I trusted that you loved me more than anyone else.

Then that November day came. For years I'd been letting you two take it as far as you wanted, expecting something in return. You revealed me that she couldn't love me back, because of my sex. She wasn't as open as you two had me believe up to that day. So I told you that you had to leave her in order to keep me, just to test your love for me. You kept saying that you'd do anything, but you refused to do that. I ended up leaving. And, as I told you the next month, if you'd decided to keep me then I would have let you keep her as well. My trust in you was broken, and I convinced myself that, because of this, you weren't the one.

When we spoke again a few days later, you asked if we could get back together. I told you that I needed to learn to be in a healthy relationship, and you needed to learn to be independant. You stayed close to me, yearning for my attention. I let you have it, because I enjoyed it. We were happy. I tried to get into relationships with two people that I trusted. Neither of them wanted me, but the second one didn't properly reject me; you had to tell me that she wasn't interested. On New Years' I found a new relationship, and I tried to let you go. You went just fine, sure. The person I had found lied to me, though, and I ended it with her. All alone, I crumbled, with nobody to love me that I could trust. I tried to trust you with my feelings. You fulfilled my trust for a few days, then cut me off.

Now, going through all of this, I sure as hell don't trust you. But I've put my faith in you. That's kept me going. I should have known, as a religious person, that it's all about faith. I honestly can't trust everything in the Bible, but I put a lot of faith into it anyway. Trust didn't get me anywhere with anyone. But even if I can't sincerely trust you anymore, I can put my faith in you and just run with it. It's kept me running this far. It'll keep me going.

I'm waking up early why

I've been up since around 3:30. That makes 3:30 the earliest that my depression has ever woken me at. I wish I could get some more sleep. That was only 2 hours of sleep, seriously. Maybe I'll be able to sleep later.

I've sometimes wondered why this is a symptom of depression. Maybe it's to save me from nightmares, or from simply unpleasant dreams. Well, that's unfortunate, because I'm also being deprived of wonderful dreams of you. Then maybe it's to keep me from getting too attached to sleep? That makes sense, but I don't like it. Many people are restless because they have too much on their minds. Like I've said, it's often difficult for me to sleep without being occupied by prayer or with a video, distracted from bad thoughts. I know that I've awoken with those thoughts, but maybe it's those thoughts that wake me to begin with? I've got one last hypothesis. When you wake up and fall back asleep within 5 minutes, you normally forget having woken up at all. Maybe I woke up and I would have fallen back asleep if these thoughts didn't instantly start buzzing in my head?

A quick Google search suggests it's about the dreams. Depression leads to more dreaming, those dreams lead to more active hormones, the body reacts by waking up and staying awake. No poetic distinction between nightmares and fantasies. Well, I wasn't anxious to find out the answer, but it's nice to know anyway. At least this isn't my mind waking me to go and change something, because there isn't anything to change any earlier in the morning. That could be frustrating, but I probably wouldn't care much for it anyway. I slightly care about the sleep deprivation. It's not healthy, and I want to have whatever dreams. I'm at the mercy of my body on this one, though. Ah well.