Hey. It's me again. I haven't posted since last year. At this time last year, I was hopeless. Now the very opposite is true, and this isn't the only thing that has changed. I would like to tell you about absolutely everything, but you don't read this anymore, do you? Since you expected me to hardly write, and I have fulfilled those expectations, you've put this place out of your mind haven't you? So I'll save the majority for when you talk to me again.
Last year, I finally decided to join tumblr. I created the blog #Keep Going for Love. It's a faceless tumblr that I hope provides a safe space for anyone, with posts that are funny, beautiful, understanding, inspiring, or caring. Sometimes political, which I consider "caring". What I mean by faceless is that I don't emphasize my identity, though I do link back here as well as to several of my social network profiles outside of my posts. So it's basically anonymous unless you actually care to look into who's behind it. I've had a lot of fun there. It's quite a different environment, and I've learned a bit and met very different people.
I follow just a few tumblrs, including a fair share of Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy ones. I got surprisingly close with the person behind one of those KH/FF tumblrs, sharing interests, passions, and kind words for weeks without either of us even knowing the other's name. We even discovered that we both live in the same place, and we considered having a coffee date. Fate is pretty cruel though. This person turned out, of all possibilities, to be her, your best friend. When she revealed her name to me, I chose to reciprocate, despite knowing that she would probably stop talking to me. She didn't stop talking to me, to my surprise. She did talk to me long enough to help me sort out my thoughts, even though she slowly grew colder and colder until she began to ignore me completely. I'm very glad that she didn't instantly abandon me. I'm so grateful.
One thing I learned from her was that she is pansexual, not lesbian. I'm suspicious then that, when you told me she was lesbian in November 2014, it was your lie. I forgive you, if this is the case. And if it was her lie, or even just her confusion, then I forgive her. This chance meeting she and I had sparked a realization in me though. I myself am no longer interested in being intimate with a female. Looking back at the women I've dated since you and I broke up, I haven't truly felt so much desire for any of them. On the other hand, I've felt more intimate in the relationships I've had with men that certainly didn't have as much objective appeal as those women. If they had so much less to offer, then why did I find myself more interested? As much as I hate considering this an answer, maybe I've become too traumatized by the way I've been treated by certain females. I don't like the idea that I've been turned gay by something so negative, but I must be honest with myself for the good of my mental health. This at least requires more exploration. I'm looking for a local boyfriend right now.
I went to her last dance recital. It was dubbed Change. When I arrived before the show, I began to recognize this as a good time for closure. So I wrote a message, attached to a little plush cat, to her. I told her, as I recall, "Thank you for everything. You reinvigorate my will to keep going. I hope that same energy carries you through all your successes and trials." I wish that she's happy to have brought to and received from me these positive thoughts, and I'll leave her there. I don't need to talk to her anymore.
I'm still waiting on your conversation, though. I hope you've come to understand that "keep going for love" means more than to strive in the name of romance. There are many different kinds of love; even if my orientation has changed, I am still going for the other ways that I love you. Not everything changes, after all?
