Last minute messages

I really should write these second messages earlier. With only 10 minutes left in the day, I feel a bit rushed to put my words together. At least the first message today came in the afternoon, though. Those words were meaningful, and I had a lot of time to think about them.

I've been so desperate to distract myself. I know for a fact that ignoring how I feel only makes things worse. But the urge of depression is to slow to a halt, to cut everything off. It's not so easy to defy that urge, to do things that won't help and deny things that will. It's much too early to slip away, but what can I do to return to my place?

Sometimes I ask, what am I even holding on to anymore? Even when I know the answer is you, I sometimes keep questioning it since you aren't here. I have to keep going, even to the last minute.

Togetherness

You were always more of a game enthusiast and I was more of an anime enthusiast. We're both PC gamers, but we've only ever had one gaming PC in the same place. I always let you play because you were so opposed to watching me. It's not like I didn't like watching you, and it's not like you didn't care for me watching. You complained whenever I turned my attention to something else. However, I often felt like doing that wasn't quite spending our time together.

Watching shows is something we do together. It's not interactive, but we are sharing the exact same experience. We make comments and eat the same snacks. We hold each others' hands and lay side by side. From that first time we watched Welcome to the NHK! on my bed, to the last time we watched a dance showcase, I felt like we were truly spending our time together. We did have our times together with games, though. For example, even if my low-spec laptop ran it poorly, we did play Minecraft together. In that game, it was less about the non-existent story we were absorbing and more about working, fighting, and screwing around together. Playing Portal 2, Dragon's Nest, and other games together was lovely too, even when we weren't in the same room.

But nothing beats laying together on my bed, staring into each other's eyes. Admiring your face, feeling your skin on my lips, holding you close to me. That ultimate experience of spending time with you, with nothing but our love occupying us. I will always hold that experience so dearly.