Laughs

I can't even tell whether I'm faking laughter or not. I know when I'm faking a smile versus when I'm actually smiling; the prior feels forced. But when I laugh it's over-the-top, even if something isn't really funny, This is only to feel the enjoyment slip away within minutes. So it isn't forced, it just comes too easily and is so exaggerated that I don't trust that it's even genuine. It makes me sad to question my own laughter this way, but it's concerning to me.

I guess that it doesn't matter, really. The people around me think I'm happy. It's not like refraining from laughing would do any good. I don't feel dishonest for laughing, only confused. I bet I'd feel comfortable if you made me laugh.

I understand but can't act

I was talking to my grandpa about our depressions. He kept trying to give me advice, tell me that it'd get better, tell me I could do something. He hardly actually listened. It was so frustrating... and that's exactly what I did to you. While you wanted me to just listen, I wanted you to just fix it. You stopped telling me about your problems completely because I wouldn't just listen. Now I'm pretty closely in your shoes.

But now I can't use it to help you. I've learned so much, but I can't apply it with you. We're disconnected. The best I can do is tell our friends what I've realized, hope that they take it seriously, and help you themselves. Yes, I'm also telling anyone that will listen. That's more for me; I feel so relieved that someone else is trying to understand. If we're lucky, one of those people will meet you and be able to help you. More realistically, they could apply their understanding to people in their own lives.

There is one thing I care about aside from you. I care about helping other people avoid my situation. I don't want anyone else to fall into or inflict the same pain I have to bear. I have faith that good things will come of this. They have to.