Both weakness and strength

Weak, to avoid death.
Strong, to embrace life.
Each at their own time,
in their rightful place.

I'm saving myself

Let me clear this up right now. I understand exactly why you're gone. You stayed by me for a short while, dragging me away from suicide. On the beach, you told me that we could be romantically involved again. You took that back. You told me we could be best friends. I tried to just accept that, but I doubted my will to live without your love. I realized that I was saying too much to you for nothing. I went to therapy. It helped me. But it was too late. That evening, you stopped talking to me.

You're gone because I didn't improve quickly enough. I thought I needed you to be even closer to even keep breathing. I was wrong. Look at me now, months later. I am alive, even though I'm probably dead to you. Look at me now. I'm managing and even enjoying life, even though you're not lessening my burdens. Look at me. The only place you are in my life is in my heart, yet I'm still using you to get better.

I think that perhaps I'm as well as I'll ever be without you here. I think I can push myself through this world without you here. However, I don't want to. The reason I'm still going is so that I'm well enough for you to take my side again. I'm aiming to be able enough that you can hold my hand without having me drag you down. This hurts. My feelings hurt.

I am bleeding from innumerable slices across the skin of my life. The apathy of depression is a drug that removes the pain, but also removes the grip from my hands. My will is a hot iron that I use to cauterize my wounds. To keep my life from bleeding out, I cannot just dose up on apathy. But endure too many burns at once and I'll black out, dropping the iron, while wounds open up again. Nobody else can hold that iron. Nobody else can close my wounds. The most anyone can do to help is keep me awake. The voice I hear loudest is yours.

The words from those who are placing themselves right next to me sound raspy and puny. Yet even just the echo of you in my heart chimes clearly, though distantly. If you were with me, holding my hand, I could stay awake, perhaps even burn all these wounds shut. If your echo has brought me this far, then maybe your presence would bring me the rest of the way. That's why I have this to say.

Please. I think I've done enough on my own.

I was her friend

There was a time when she and I texted comfortably. I don't have any of those texts anymore, since I had to reset my phone and the texts were too old for MightyText to keep in archive for free. There were a few topics we conversed on that I remember pretty clearly though.

We talked about religion. She told me that she is Wiccan, and I told her that I was Christian. Sounds like we have a huge difference in belief, but we don't. I believe it possible that she can light a candle with a snap of her fingers. More generally, we believe in magic. I think I brought up the time you threw a dalmation figurine at a glass and the figurine somehow ended up inside the glass. We both believe in spirits. I told her about the seance I held with you and our friends. She said that was more of a gypsy thing. What makes me particularly smile when remembering that conversation is that she thanked me for noting that it was a safe seance. Most Christians automatically label seances as unsafe and demonic regardless of method, and many teens who give seances a shot don't take precautions and do create a potentially dangerous situation. You can understand her relief in my position.

After you, my brother, and I watched Divergent in theaters, I remember texting her about it. As I recall, she's read the books. We talked about what factions we'd be in. She and I agreed that we'd fit into Erudite for our intelligence. However, I said that I probably wouldn't actually choose that faction. If Dauntless drops members through a series of rigorous tests of bravery and combat prowess, I'm sure Erudite would drop me for being lazy. I suggested that her laziness would threaten her too were she to join Erudite, especially because they'd probably have videogames available to them. She said the videogames would be seal the deal for her decision. Now I'm not sure whether I'd risk joining Erudite or give myself to Abnegation.

Finally, I remember a time when she confided in me. She told me that she was having an issue with how you were acting with her. I can't remember exactly what the issue was, but I don't want to remember precisely anyway. She talked to me about it at night while you were asleep. I listened to her, consoled her, talked about it. I fell asleep while texting, though. If you hadn't found out about that conversation, I probably wouldn't be talking about it now; I may have forgotten. But that morning, after having sex with me, you borrowed my phone to mess with some apps. The screen unlocked right to our conversation. You saw everything, even saw a text that she'd sent when I was asleep. You got very upset that we'd had this private conversation about you.

After we broke up, you tried to tell me that I didn't actually care about her. You said I was only interested in her body. No, she was a dear friend that I loved. She was a wonderful friend to me. Until the day she realized where her attractions lie. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised at what she kept from me. I shouldn't have been upset with her. I shouldn't have transformed it into a test of loyalty for you. I expect her to never regard me as a friend again. Sometimes I think terrible things about her, too. However, when I look at the relationship she and I had as a whole, I still see her as a friend. She is still a person that I care about. She isn't an enemy for being a liar. She's imperfect like any human, like myself. She deserves nothing less than kindred regard.