Not bragging about new partners

At the beginning of the year, I got a girlfriend to replace you. Except she couldn't. She lied about her age twice, kept me a secret from her family, and even had another boyfriend, so I dumped her. Sure, I loved her and my relationship with her felt special, but that couldn't nearly negate the lies. I can't remember right now how long it had lasted. I remember I told you when she and I first got together, and I told you about the breakup while you were showering.

So, I'm at it again, but I've learned from mistakes. First of all, I'm not thinking of my new partner as a replacement for you. What I have with this person is its own thing. I am preserving the mission of learning to have a healthy relationship. Despite that, ever since you my relationships have escalated pretty quickly. Maybe that's thanks to you, actually; we unlocked each others' confidence, so I'm probably being more attractive by being more confident. I think that this partner is honest; there's a few things, particularly age, that could have been lied about but weren't. I'm missing some considerably important information about this person, but I don't find it crucial.

I hope that this lasts a while. It seems like it will, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some things. Actually, that's even better; having a healthy relationship includes managing disagreements in a healthy way. I think I've already mentioned that my partner is super attentive, like you were. I'm sure this person would spend every moment with me if possible. Not sure if my computer would get hogged again. Probably. Ah well.

This relationship might sound like replacement or like mere practice, but I again don't consider it that way. I love this person, I would be involved if I didn't. Of course I'm learning with this, like we should from life. It might end up being practice for another. This person and I might end up together until the end. There's no telling the future. At this time, I don't want to think about the future; there's too many possibilities to consider, and I want to focus on what I've got now. And I've got to go forward continuing to learn.

I can live without you

Turns out I can live without you, does not mean, I feel better without you.

Sad city

Sitting, rummaging through thought,
calling for words to come, and they take their time.
Or maybe they see my wishes all rot,
and most disappear, still I've got
some message with feeling in its chime.

It isn't so easy to make it known
when that's just what built the downward spiral.
Yet to keep inside this shit that I own
will make me believe that I'm all alone.
Let the cards drop, don't bother holding them all.

Though I'm coming back, they are still there:
the doubt, the regret, and still not you.
I should laugh just to take in air.
I'm so grateful to be given any care.
Still, I don't know what I'm walking to.

I can only guess at what you wanted,
how I should end up, and some guesses aren't pretty.
How the fuck would thoughts that only daunted
be a better companion on the road that haunted
this mind, this ghost town, this sad city?

Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.