Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.