My state doesn't sit well

I've been sleeping in until around 9:30 lately. That suggests that I'm having it good. Though I am going to sleep past 1AM, so maybe that's pushed my sleep schedule over. However, that is at least 8 hours of sleep, which I couldn't get normally before. I still wake up early. I fall right back to sleep. But the sleep I get after waking doesn't feel restful.

For all that I say about getting rid of binary thinking, I can't help but think like that with my depression. Am I well or unwell? Recognizing that I'm somewhere in the middle is strange. Being in this middle ground feels confusing, but I know it should be straightforward. I'm not all better, and I'm not all gone. Something in me rejects that notion. Maybe it's just the discomfort. I'm comfortable with not being depressed. I became comfortable with being depressed. I'm still not used to being in between.

I'm not constantly asking myself, "Am I or aren't I?" It's just this omnipresent, subtle unsureness. It's replaced that constant, obvious apathy. I can't just think, "This is how I am now, but it isn't how I really am." The question creeps in: "Was that really me?" It isn't the static of thinking that I'm a monster or failure who should die. It isn't the trickle of a stream of satisfaction and positivity. It's an ominous hum that I can only just barely recognize the presence of. I feel like it has meaning, but I can't understand at all.

I want to bring this message to some sort of conclusion, but it just isn't coming to me.

Spaghetti

Whenever someone else makes spaghetti around here, I'm not satisfied. They salt the water, pour cold water into the strainer to cool the noodles, and butter the noodles when they're put away. I like my noodles freshly-cooked, too. So I made some spaghetti for myself earlier, since I haven't had any in a while. When I make spaghetti, I keep them plain from water to storage. At room temperature spaghetti in open air cools very quickly, so I put the strainer in another pot and pour the water and noodles into it; the steam keeps the pasta warm for a while, and I can heat the water if it stops steaming. Once I've served myself some into a bowl, I pour a little vegetable oil and cayenne powder into it and mix it in. Today we had some marinara sauce in the fridge, so I added that, too.

Spaghetti was something I cooked often for you. You didn't have it as often as Hot Pockets, chicken strips, or potato fries, but those are things we didn't cook after all, just heated. You like your spaghetti with mizithra cheese sprinkled on. I used various other shreds of cheese. I really liked mizithra too, but I never told you or used any because I didn't want to deprive you of it. I'm not very quick at preparing food and hadn't thought of the steam trick at the time, so the noodles always went cold too quickly and needed to be microwaved for you to finish it. You know, I think it was also the fact that the bowls were cold. I'll use my head sometime and think about how to warm the bowl on the edges before serving. Otherwise we could just warm the bowl completely and place it on a cool plate.

You left a container of mizithra here. I saw it the other week in my fridge. It had gone bad. We threw it out.