I'm okay

When I was in high school, somebody came to me and asked, "Why are you always smiling?" I blinked and said I didn't know. I often saw a boy on campus who was always frowning. I wondered to myself, "What's he always frowning about?" I never talked to him, though. I figured it wasn't my business.

When I first took the plunge into depression, I stopped smiling. I wasn't comfortable with them anymore. I felt like every smile I gave was too ingenuine to exist. And I did fake many, many smiles. When I was being genuine, I was always frowning. I only felt comfortable while frowning. That must be the answer for those questions asked years ago. Why was I always smiling? Because that's what I felt comfortable with. Why was he always frowning? Because that's what he felt comfortable with. Those were our genuine expressions.

Saying that I was okay or fine was always a lie. I was afraid of lies. Even when I was faking a smile, I usually couldn't bring myself to say that I was fine or okay. I'd be very vague, even preferring other lies. "You know," I'd say to friends who I knew had no idea. There came a time when that passed, when I let myself handle the big lie.

However, I feel that saying that I'm okay is not so deceitful anymore. I can often say it and mean it. I can also truthfully say that I'm not okay. I know that I'm still not where I was when we were together. I don't expect to be that okay without you. I'm relieved that I am some part okay, though, and that part is big enough that saying so doesn't feel like a lie. I'm glad that my smiles feel genuine too, because I can be happy. It doesn't matter that my private frowns still ring true.

When I'm not paying attention, I still don't smile. However, I don't frown as severely as I used to. You can say that my expression is often neutral, even. Is such unhappiness the reason other people don't idly smile? Is it a part of life, inevitable even, to experience emotional trauma? Even as I regret losing you, I end up being thankful for this experience. I understand something entirely different. You can even say that I'm a person now. If I could change the past, I would still change it. Since what happened has happened, though, I have only our future to look toward. I will try to use everything I've learned.

Accidentally long shower

You know I take long baths. That's especially true when you're with me. Sorry, showers. You get mildly annoyed when I call it a bath. But yeah, I went in this evening around 9:00 and spent an hour and a half cleaning up. Forget climate change, I'm probably the main cause of the state drought.

Of course, you're not the only reason that I take long showers. That has been a habit of mine since long before I met you. Another reason today was because of my hair. For years I'd just let loose hair come out in the shower and down the drain, then be surprised and annoyed when the drain clogged. You taught me to stick the loose hair on the wall to dispose of later. Thoroughly removing my loose hair can take a while some days. You didn't have that problem because your hair is actually shorter than mine.

Since you don't have the aversion to loose hair that I do, you'd ball up our hair in your hand right after we showered. I used to use a paper towel to collect the hair. Wasteful, but that's how I felt comfortable doing it. Now I wait until the hair has dried and just wipe if off the wall into my hand.

I was also thinking. I was thinking about what I really wanted to say tonight, and how to say it. I did come up with a few topics, but as usual I don't know how to word most of them. Brainstorming was one of the main reasons I decided to step into the water now instead of midnight, actually. I probably should have taken an actual bath, for water efficiency. I do feel a bit bad about an hour and a half of wasted water. I didn't expect to take quite that long, though.

So, in a way, you can say that you're still a reason for me to take long showers. I wonder if you'll mind showering together when we're friends again? After we broke up, you once had me stay in your bathroom while you showered so we could chat, even undressing in front of me. Your reasoning was that I've done more than just see that body so there was nothing to hide. I love the way you think.

I wonder how reading this will make you feel. There isn't a particular way that I want you to feel about my little shower stories. There isn't a reason to write about this to begin with, but I don't see a good reason not to. Something brought you to this sentence, at any rate. If you bothered to read this, I'm sure you'll bother to read another message.