Hanging out in my head

Honestly, I dream about you much less lately. Or maybe I forget the dreams that you're in more easily. I guess I don't need them as much to keep me happy; I'm pretty proud of my recovery. I did have a dream about you last night, though.

We were just hanging out, you and I. We were sat at a wooden table at some well-lit restaurant or something. We sat across from each other, each a glass of alcoholic drink in hand. Yours was a crisp golden color. Mine was a bubbly and clear liquid. You went on ahead drinking and smiling, while I just admired you; it was the first time we'd seen each other since 2015. This wasn't your first swig of alcohol, clearly shown by the way you took it. You had been living on, like I am living on, and having your own experiences as I've been having my own.

I hadn't taken so much of a sip of alcohol yet. I've been waiting to have my first drink with you. I have faith in your ability to handle me being under that sort of influence. I hear alcohol removes inhibitions, and unearths how one actually feels. I don't want to show that to anyone but you. So, after remarking that this would be my first drink, I went ahead and put my glass to my lips. I drank a bit. I guess it was a show of my faith in you, but you wouldn't know it because I wouldn't mention. I was just so happy to be talking with you, drinks or not.

I had a dream the night before that, too, with you in it. I rode a brown horse with you, and you were holding me from behind so you wouldn't fall off. We galloped and trotted around some seaside area of town. That one seemed less realistic, really. But I guess I'm living on fantasies at this point, anyway. Little wishes to just spend precious time with my dearest friend.

Not so much writing anymore

I had a chat with a friend of yours recently. Well, she had a chat with me. She didn't say very much. She said that your issues are not being worked through, which is sadly not a surprise. You know about Tell Her Before I Die, but you haven't really read it. You want me to stop writing this. I understand.

These messages have brought me through the worst months of my entire life. They represented my hope when I was lost within depression, when I had no idea what was going on or why. They have helped me to think about and understand myself and what has happened to me. They've allowed me to let caring people know just how I actually am, and those supporters have helped to get me through this. As I recovered, their help became more effective.

I needed to write these messages. They kept me alive and made me well. However, lately I've been inconsistent with writing. I thought this was a bad thing, but perhaps it simply is a symptom of the transition in my state of mind. I'm not near the fringe of death anymore. I'm not overwhelmed by thinking a few months into the future. Sometimes when I write now I can't help but feel like shit that you haven't read to try to understand. That wasn't something that bothered me in the throes of depression. I just held on and hoped you'd read eventually, as the title of this collection suggests.

You're not going to try to understand just yet. According to your friend, to you this blog is nothing more than a creepy display of obsession. Does that hurt me? Not exactly, because I think that ignorance is hard to break from, especially when you're surrounded by it. But I cannot dismiss your feelings, even if they're based on blindness. While I'm too afraid of regression to cease my writing altogether, I will stop writing regularly. Not writing may slow down my recovery, but I'm comfortable enough with where I am to sacrifice my recovery for your own. Besides, it's pointless for me to get better if you won't.

I'll still write occasionally. Expect a message on holidays. I'll likely continue to think of you on my outings, so I'll probably come home and write about them. Some days I'll feel like art or poetry or recommending some TV show I just watched. The point is, some days I'll just need to write. When I need to write, I won't hesitate to do it. Just as my recovery means nothing without yours, the vice verse applies.

Dear, I am scared. I have been scared all of these months, in different ways and for different reasons. You're scared. We can get better though, and that's what I will work toward. You inspire me to improve myself as much as I can in your absence. I pray that you find a reason to get better as well. All I can do is stay weak and pray for you.

First day of your summer

Yesterday was your graduation from high school; congratulations! You revealed some really crap news, sure, but it's past midnight and I think we should leave yesterday behind. Let's talk about new and great stuff, because it's summertime!!

You don't start college until the fall, so you've got a whole summer to enjoy just as any gradeschooler does. What will it consist of, I wonder? Hanging out with friends? Hitting the beach? A road trip? An amusement park? There are so many possible ways for you to enjoy your summer!

I'm stuck with school through the summer, but I will do my best to enjoy it was well. You can even say that attending that recital was the start of it, though I really hope more of my friends will be able to accompany me to whatever other summer powwows I plan. You know, I've never done a beach bonfire, so that is certainly a consideration. If I can find gelatin-free marshmallows, that seals the deal! Yeah, an evening beach party sounds fantastic. I'm already psyching myself out here!

But you don't have to go out to have fun with friends. You can always invite people over to play games and/or roleplay. Even simply having a little dinner party would be nice. Oh, and there's movie nights of course. Don't forget sleepovers! Obviously someone else can host, and you can adventure to their dwelling to enjoy their company. Should physical translocation be out of the question, there's the internet! I'm thinking internet-multiplayer videogames, video chats, and some movie streaming.

I kind of see you preferring to stay at home, most likely to employ the internet to hold summer events. Ya little hermit fox. Okay, to be more honest, I'm afraid you'll forget to talk to all your friends! Yes, you've got a number of them. Don't forget, everyone wants to hang out with you! Indulge them, indulge yourself, everyone will be happier for it. To note, you're welcome at any event I organize. Just come along if you think it'll be fun! At any rate, enjoy the people who love you this summer. Maybe you could even start today?

Not the time to say

I have a lot of things to say. That should be clear by the number of messages I've left here. But there's still plenty that's on my mind. I sit and think about how to say it, but the words don't quite come. I look at the clock and think that I won't have the time. I twiddle my thumbs and wonder if I should leave that thought for another day. I forget some of those thoughts, and others stay with me indefinitely because the time isn't ever right.

My life is about knowing when to wait. It's about having faith that time will have wounds heal instead of scar. It's about staying still so that I can't make another mistake with you. And so I become paranoid about how I say things and when I say it, even when I know that saying it as I intend would be inconsequential at worst. For a long time I had a guilt complex, but you buried it. Since you abandoned me, it's made it made its way back up. I've done my best not to blame myself completely. It wasn't easy at first, and it's hard to be sure when I should externalize.

I'm waiting for any number of fantasies. I'm waiting for you to send me a message, or to make note of something I posted, or to appear on my doorstep. A large part of me says that I shouldn't be important enough for you to do that for me. The only realistic thing I have to wait for, though, is March 2017, when I'll be legally able to talk to you again. On few days am I able to look happily toward that future, though, so I indulge myself in my fantasies instead. When the question comes to mind, "What are you doing?" I answer, "She could reach out today, or at least soon. I need to be here every moment so that her effort won't go to waste."

Of course, if these months all pass then I will reach for you. I will risk it, because one way or another I deserve to take that risk. I truly hope that you're the one who will break the silence, though. Please return to me my peace with your hands, because I'm so scared to try to grip it myself again.

I miss you

I think it's obvious. Nonetheless, I want to make it clear. We're young and have so much time. That time is being wasted with this separation, but there will still be enough left. For what? For forging new memories with each other.

We've had experiences where one of us felt wonderful at the other's expense, and even times when we couldn't help but drag each other down. What I remember when I think of us are the moments we spent together in elation, in comfort, in joy, in love. I want to sculpt more of those times with you, because I know that we can do it.

Someday your hand will stop shaking. I'll hold it then. We can start crafting something together again.

Long paths

We have long paths ahead of us. Yours is likely to be pretty pleasant and easy. Mine has been very uneven, much too thin at many points, with barren landscape surrounding me. I don't see that changing. But I know that the paths will cross, and I'll keep hiking along for that. Maybe my path will get better by that time, too. I can't rule that out.

On this path, I have to keep looking at the ground. Looking at the horizon is too intimidating. Looking around is pointless to me. I can't help but listen to anything that chatters in this devoid place. Those chatters can be support, distraction, something to get me by. But it can also be horribly debilitating. I can't help it. The only thing I can do is to not give up. I need to stay on this path, not lose myself. It doesn't even matter what the path is going to be become, or how long I will walk it alone, or even what it will be like when our paths join again.

I won't stare into the distance trying to figure that out. I'll watch the steps immediately ahead of me, just making sure to keep my balance as I travel.

We'll meet again

I saw that you posted that picture. I don't think you could be talking about anyone else but me. I wanted to say that I'm happy to see that. Just like when you paid attention to that turtle post or suggested my passed cat's name to a YouTuber, I feel so glad to be in your thoughts. It really helps. On top of that is the message itself: you'd like to see me again in the future. If I feel the same way, doesn't that mean we can take out the word "maybe"? We'll definitely see each other in the future, when you're ready.

This really reinforces my will to continue. It gives me enough hope to bear my suffering. Knowing that, somehow, you're still there for me... I can keep going.

I wouldn't do for you

My therapist gave me a theoretical today: you suddenly decide to take me back, but on one condition. What condition would be a deal-breaker? What would make me say no?

At first I replied that I'd turn you down if you said I couldn't talk about or admire other people with you. Surely if you had become the jealous type and wanted to thought-police me, I wouldn't want you back. Then I reconsidered... no, I would give that up for you. Honestly, I could do without everyone else if I just had you. Besides, you'd probably change your mind later.

Next, I considered that I would turn you down if you said I had to drop out of school for you. I quickly took that back; I know enough about programming to be able to make a living off it. I finally settled on this condition: if you were to tell me that I had to be your housewife, being unable to spend time on anything besides chores and you; if you were to ban me from pursuing a career or even an individual hobby, so I'd be unable to program for example. No, that's where I'd draw the line. If you wanted me back, I would want to help make a nice future for us, fulfilling my aspirations as well as yours.

I know that you wouldn't ask me to drop out of school and stop pursuing my dreams. I'm not afraid of that. This is just theoretical, if you were to change so much that you would ask me for that. The therapist tasked me with coming up with at least one more deal-breaker. I did come up with another after the session, following the issue of fulfilling aspirations. I wouldn't take you back if you said that I could never have a biological child. I may be pretty screwed up, but I think my genes are worth passing down. It comes down to nurture too, after all.

This post may have made you uncomfortable... this is just a theoretical about you taking me back. At the least, I simply want you to accept me again as your friend. Like you said, we're the weirdest best friends ever. I just want to be with you somehow, more than just keeping you in my heart.

Actually don't come down south

I think I've told you before that my grandpa hates it when my grandma and great-grandpa visit El Salvador. I always thought it was just that he misses my grandma when she's away, but I found out today that it's more than that. He was concerned about the standards of hygiene there, about the rate of crime, and about the tropical environment creating a haven for disease-carrying mosquitoes. He expressed these concerns to me, since I want to go to Central America to see my dad, his mother, and whatever other family I would meet. He was especially worried that my body would be unprepared to get sick over there, and that I would be harassed or even attacked for looking and acting white. He was so anxious about it that he was on the verge of tears; I've never seen him like that before.

Those issues would apply to you, too. Even more so looking/acting white, because, well, you are white. I really don't want to subject you to those things. At least you're now clearly okay with me going without you.

Tick tick tick

So, I'm not gonna heal without you. I've accepted that, I'm dealing with it, I'm staying where I am. But what are the conditions for your recovery? Supposedly I need to be out of your life. Check. You need the support of family and friends. Check. You need to have your technology for entertainment. Check. So then, why aren't you getting any better?

I don't know when you'll stop being so deceived. But time is passing by quickly. If you could get better before you leave town, that'd be great. I shouldn't get my hopes up for that, though. You'll likely need to live your own life before you can heal. Well, I will do everything I can do to help you. Even though that means not doing anything at all, just watching the clock tick by. I wish someone would actually help you, by helping us.

Whenever you're ready

I understand that you still need to recover from the trauma of bearing my emotions. Take as much time as you need. I want this suffering to end, and the solutions are your affection or death. I'll avoid death, instead hoping that your affection for me will return to you. I can struggle as long as I have hope that you'll save me.

You'll be leaving town in a few months. I think that one thing you need is some time away from the people that you have trouble calling your family. Maybe you need some time away from this city after all. I wonder how your experience with the real, unsure, scary world all alone will be like. How will that compare to what happened between us? Maybe it will put this in perspective.

You can always talk to me. I just can't talk to you, unless you ask the courts to let me. I actually feel that I'm talking enough by writing for this blog. What will make me truly happy are your responses.

The legal threat doesn't really matter

I realized the most peculiar thing. I don't really care about all this restraining order bullshit. While I'm running around filing legal papers, I don't feel any worse than I normally do. Filling out those legal forms hasn't really tossed me for an emotional beatdown. I was filling my ears with electro while typing my statement, but that's more the pain of recounting what's been done wrong. And that's probably the reason for the one typo I made.

Though, as the hearing draws nearer, I am anxious. I want to say the right things. I want you and the judge to hear and care. At the same time, I'm scared that I'll say things that will only worsen things for me, like when I talked to the police. I'm not looking forward to the continued suffering, but I know that it will probably occur whatever the ruling is. Most likely, you still won't be ready to fix this on Friday. I just don't want a restraining order to get in the way when you are ready.

I'm concerned for me. I'm concerned for you. The legal stuff on its own honestly hardly concerns me. I just want us to be okay.

Skip

The best thing I could think of happening to me right now is becoming unconscious until you speak to me. Hand me a poison apple or spinning wheel, please. Just let me sleep until you come to me. I don't want to go through this suffering. I don't want to die, either, because then I couldn't speak to you. I would lay limp and unthinking for years if it meant I could wake up to you. I would waste all of my life to avoid my suffering until you speak to me.

But there's no way that can happen. Most likely, I'm going to suffer. I can't decide whether I'm scared to suffer. Maybe I'm afraid of losing hope. Right now I want to live, but I'm afraid of losing that desire. So I'd rather be unconscious, so it'd be impossible for me to contemplate suicide. I'm scared of the possibility that I'll think it best to die again.

And what about them

I want this to be just about you and me. But, to begin with, she is involved. That's not as much of a problem as I made it out to be when I broke up with you. Next, your family is involved. They like me, but they're as scared of this situation as I am. Our friends are involved; I'm glad that they care about us equally and want the best for both of us. Finally, there's those strangers who tell you to stay far away...

I've always known that it isn't only you and me. Obviously, that's why I let you be with her. I'm never going to delude myself into thinking that I can be everything for you. But, just in the matter of speaking to each other... that should be between between you and me. I know you still want to talk. So, let's talk as soon as possible. Please don't let me suffer for so long.

What can be said

In less than two weeks, I'll be talking with you. In front of a judge, yes. Still talking with you, more than doing this blog is. I don't intend to act. I'm just going to be what I am. And I do expect the whole room to be filled with the vibration of my emptiness.

I keep thinking, hoping, and dreading. What am I going to say? I want the judge not to grant the restraining order. And I want you to reach back out to me and talk to me. What will I say to make that happen? On top of that, I have no idea what you're going to say. I have no idea if I'm going to cry. I don't even want to think about if you keep me away from you. I can't bear to think about that. If that happens, I'll have to burden so many people to stay where I am.

And, if you do reach back out to me? What will I say to convince you to hold my hand? I can't even begin to think about that. If I plan for that and it turns out that you won't reach out in the first place, I'll be even more crushed. Not going to push that far into the future.

When I speak, I hope everyone listens.

My bestest friend ever

Throughout my life, I never had that best friend some people have. I never really stuck close to one friend. For 17 years, I couldn't name a favorite friend.

From the moment we met, I liked you so much. When you started at my school, we clicked instantly. In a matter of days, I fell in love with you. You fell right back in love with me. Throughout the years of our relationship, I told you that you were more to me than just my girlfriend. My affection for you is all-encompassing: I loved you as a sibling, woman, friend, parent, child... everything.

The one thing I failed to recognize was that you are my best friend. Because I never understood what a best friend was, I didn't even consider it. You asked me during our last weekend seeing each other whether I had ever had a best friend, and I told you that I hadn't. You said that's why I couldn't understand why you wouldn't cut her off. Now that I recognize that you are my best friend, I do completely understand. I cannot cut you off. You came into my life, and you will always be a part of it. And I know that I'm a part of your life, too.

Since we're here in each others' lives... I will do my best to make this presence a good thing. For my best friend.

In time

We don't necessarily move through time. Time moves past us, its current pushing events toward and away from us. People are moving through time when they move with the current and dwell on the past, or when they move against the current and contemplate the future. When people think in the present, taking it day by day, they're staying still while time flows by. It's easy to slip into the past, a challenge to stay in the present, and difficult to run toward the future.

I've said that I'm not going to be strong anymore. Being strong and rushing into the future ruined me, and it'll continue to destroy me if I'm impatient. I float around from past to present, staying weak. Maybe another person can handle gambling into the future, but I'll limit my risks. In time, the future will come, and this present will have long passed. I shouldn't push for a future where we're able to talk; I need to stay put and let that come to us.

Nice things

Good days are days when I think nice things about you. They're days when I remember your smile and your caress. Days when I remember feeling you in my arms. When I remember how happy we could be. I remember that, if I keep going, we can have all of that again. I tell myself that you'll see everything that I want you to see. Someday I'll wake up in the morning and you'll be there again. Maybe that day one of us will try to convince the other that we should wake up, but within minutes we'll both give in to the desire to stay under covers. When we finally get up, we'll make breakfast together even if it's after noon. French toast sounds delicious. I'll show you how methodically my mom makes it. I'll want to limit the butter we use in the pan, but you'll easily convince me to use a good helping of it. We won't think about who will do the dishes afterward, just claim our food and our drinks and sit down to watch a show we like. We can spend our day doing nothing special but being together, or I can take you wherever you want. In the evening, I won't want to leave you, so I'll keep you in my heart, thoughts, and dreams.

I can't wait for you to read these things. They're such nice things.

Shamrock shakes

The only things I ever order from McDonald's are McFlurries and shamrock shakes. And guess what? Shamrock shakes are already back this year. You know, as much as I have come to dislike McDonald's, I think I'll always love shamrock shakes! So I'd love to take you to the McD's by your house for a casual meal. Except you'd be the one having actual food, I'd just be having s large shamrock shake.

Maybe we can go to McDonald's together this year before they stop selling shamrock shakes? If we don't get around to that, we can always go another time and I'll nom up a McFlurry. I'm always looking forward to being with you again~

Wishing for a well weekend

I wonder what you'll be doing from tomorrow to Monday. I'm still confused as to why you get Friday off, but it isn't a complaint. I wonder what you'll be doing. The obvious is playing videogames and watching YouTube videos. But which videogames, and which videos? It's not like I've just now started to care about these things. I've always cared to know a bit every time I casually messaged you and asked what you were doing. It's kind of unbelievable how much knowing those things actually makes me happy.

And, of course, it's Valentine's weekend. If we were currently together, we'd have dinner together on Valentine's Day. I'd tell you that I discovered a different Boudin bakery than our usual, and how I want to check that out. But you'd insist on going to the Old Spaghetti factory. And, after all that we've been through, I'd oblige. I did get money the past week, so gas and tab would be something I could easily afford. Since the glasses we got on our first anniversary were shattered through time, we'd get some cream sodas and keep the cups to replace them at your house. I have the second pair that we got still at my house, untouched.

Where else would we go, now that I'm so eager to take you places? Well, right after our dinner I'm sure you'd go to bed, you sleepy, silly fox. But we've got a whole weekend to enjoy ourselves, so where would we go? We could go hiking, just you and me. Mission Trails or Torrey Pines, which would you like to walk? We could have a picnic somewhere nice and green. Speaking of green, I'd just avoid making a salad with lettuce altogether. We have some other leaves growing in my back yard that I think you would be less picky about. We could visit Balboa Park during the day to check out museums and, ah yes, you wanted to go into the botanical garden! I honestly only have faint memories of being in that garden. I would love to make new memories there with you.

I would spend as much time with you as I could. I understand that you'd like to spend time alone with her, if she were available, and I would give you that. For the rest of the weekend, you would have me close to you. But, it seems that we'll be spending the weekend without each other. I'll just remember that, last I saw, you still had my first Valentine's gift to you on your desk: the glass teddy bear inside the heart-shaped box. I'll smile, and I want you to have a lovely weekend.