Today was difficult. Internally difficult. Everything around me was fine, but as usual I'm not. I was filled with this uneasy energy, with directionless anxiety. It seemed mostly like a torrent of negative thoughts that I couldn't catch and think out. When one thought did rise into focus, it didn't stay long enough for me to come to a conclusion. I couldn't find something that I wanted to do, because I just felt so unable to grasp anything.
I decided to make myself watch some YouTube videos that have forever been on my Watch Later list. Most of them were music videos, so I started with the ones that weren't. Those did redirect my attention, though it felt meaningless to watch the first few. The last non-music video I watched was about a transgender suicide. It made me think about the various reasons for suicide. I also felt guilty because I have a great life surrounded by people who accept me. I feel bad that the fact that you no longer accept me is the cause of my suicidal and depressive thoughts. A little more self-loathing, you know. To be clear, I didn't start considering suicide again, by the way, I was only considering its reasons.
Then I watched this video:
I probably wanted to watch this for the adorable box people. I can't remember when I found this. But now I'm watching it when it's got my words. Which means, of course, that it's now in that playlist, They Sing the Words I Couldn't Find.
After replaying that several times, I went on to play some other songs from my playlist that I've memorized the lyrics to. Namely Drown, Rather Be, and Iris. I was able to sing along, but my singing reflected how I felt: rough, shallow, distracted. It wasn't as heartfelt as my usual attempts. On my way to school, Drown played on the radio, so I sang along then too.
My hand's been fidgeting. I still don't feel quite right. I hope that I can sleep tonight. Are you anxious about something, love?
