The braver

Of one who braves death
and one who braves the abuse
who is the braver?

Blue exorcist

In March, I came across this image on Google+. The words speak my desire, and that's not the only way that it got me thinking about you. We watched the first episode of Blue Exorcist together once. I wasn't fond of it back then, because I was big on the concept of multiple devils and Blue Exorcist insists on there only being Satan. I could be pretty rigid with lore back then. Thus, I didn't care to pick the anime up again.

Seeing this image, I just had to share it. I asked for opinions on whether to start watching again, and the overall response was yes. I put it on my to-watch list. My very long to-watch list, mind you. It wasn't until just a day ago that I started watching Blue Exorcist. Over a dozen episodes in, I've ended up enjoying it immensely.

I remember that my mom was driving us somewhere later that day when somehow I ended up mentioning that we watched the anime. I explained the basis of the show to her: a kid who has been raised by a priest in a church discovers that he is actually the son of Satan, and he decides to use his newly found power to become an exorcist. The fact that the protagonist is the son of Satan triggered her concern. I defended the series by saying, "The moral is that, no matter what you're born into, even if you're the son of a devil, you can still receive God's love." Well, that's one way of seeing it, after all, and it got that awkward moment out of the way. Mainly I wanted to prevent my own mother from associating anime with satanism. I think I got it right.

How about a deeper refresher? Rin and Yukio Okumura are 15-year-old twin brothers who've been raised as a wards of the church by father-figure and priest Shiro Fujimoto. Yukio is a model teen who's gotten a full ride to True Cross Academy, and at the series' start is packing his stuff to head off. Rin, on the other hand, is a delinquent who doesn't want to continue school, can't hang a job, and is easily brought to wrath. That's how they're seen through the lenses of a normal life, at least. This normal life ends when Rin's supernatural powers begin to stir and he begins to see demons in the world around him. Father Fujimoto is compelled to reveal to Rin that he is the son of Satan, and curtain of normalcy starts its rise to reveal a whole other world of truths and dangers. Or perhaps it's Satan's blue flames that are consuming that curtain.

If you didn't keep watching this series without me, you should spend some of your spare time watching Blue Exorcist! I remember you really liked that first episode, so why not pick it up again like I did? Have fun! ^.^

Not the time to say

I have a lot of things to say. That should be clear by the number of messages I've left here. But there's still plenty that's on my mind. I sit and think about how to say it, but the words don't quite come. I look at the clock and think that I won't have the time. I twiddle my thumbs and wonder if I should leave that thought for another day. I forget some of those thoughts, and others stay with me indefinitely because the time isn't ever right.

My life is about knowing when to wait. It's about having faith that time will have wounds heal instead of scar. It's about staying still so that I can't make another mistake with you. And so I become paranoid about how I say things and when I say it, even when I know that saying it as I intend would be inconsequential at worst. For a long time I had a guilt complex, but you buried it. Since you abandoned me, it's made it made its way back up. I've done my best not to blame myself completely. It wasn't easy at first, and it's hard to be sure when I should externalize.

I'm waiting for any number of fantasies. I'm waiting for you to send me a message, or to make note of something I posted, or to appear on my doorstep. A large part of me says that I shouldn't be important enough for you to do that for me. The only realistic thing I have to wait for, though, is March 2017, when I'll be legally able to talk to you again. On few days am I able to look happily toward that future, though, so I indulge myself in my fantasies instead. When the question comes to mind, "What are you doing?" I answer, "She could reach out today, or at least soon. I need to be here every moment so that her effort won't go to waste."

Of course, if these months all pass then I will reach for you. I will risk it, because one way or another I deserve to take that risk. I truly hope that you're the one who will break the silence, though. Please return to me my peace with your hands, because I'm so scared to try to grip it myself again.