Laughs

I can't even tell whether I'm faking laughter or not. I know when I'm faking a smile versus when I'm actually smiling; the prior feels forced. But when I laugh it's over-the-top, even if something isn't really funny, This is only to feel the enjoyment slip away within minutes. So it isn't forced, it just comes too easily and is so exaggerated that I don't trust that it's even genuine. It makes me sad to question my own laughter this way, but it's concerning to me.

I guess that it doesn't matter, really. The people around me think I'm happy. It's not like refraining from laughing would do any good. I don't feel dishonest for laughing, only confused. I bet I'd feel comfortable if you made me laugh.

I understand but can't act

I was talking to my grandpa about our depressions. He kept trying to give me advice, tell me that it'd get better, tell me I could do something. He hardly actually listened. It was so frustrating... and that's exactly what I did to you. While you wanted me to just listen, I wanted you to just fix it. You stopped telling me about your problems completely because I wouldn't just listen. Now I'm pretty closely in your shoes.

But now I can't use it to help you. I've learned so much, but I can't apply it with you. We're disconnected. The best I can do is tell our friends what I've realized, hope that they take it seriously, and help you themselves. Yes, I'm also telling anyone that will listen. That's more for me; I feel so relieved that someone else is trying to understand. If we're lucky, one of those people will meet you and be able to help you. More realistically, they could apply their understanding to people in their own lives.

There is one thing I care about aside from you. I care about helping other people avoid my situation. I don't want anyone else to fall into or inflict the same pain I have to bear. I have faith that good things will come of this. They have to.

Sides

Yes, there are definitely sides to this situation. But it isn't you against me. One side pushes for isolation and fear, while the other wants understanding and mediation. It's basically "they're unwell and shouldn't be in contact" against "they're concerned and could help each other". I think I know now who's on what side. It's painful to even know that these sides exist, really. I wish we could all just work together to truly help you. But of course that isn't possible when it's ignorance versus enlightenment.

I like to solve problems by hearing out the different sides, picking apart their views, then coming to a reasonable compromise. It's the prior side's view that any interaction between you and me will hurt you, and that I will eventually simply get over you. It's the latter side's view that interaction between you and me can heal both of us. My compromise is that I'm giving you space until you feel comfortable enough to talk to me again. The problem is that the prior camp has dragged you and others in, and with their influence we may never be able to recover. I want the latter side to have some sort of similar influence, but nobody is strong enough to make that happen.

This side of enlightenment feels lonely, honestly. Most of the people involved with us have chosen ignorance. Maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. I feel that people generally choose ignorance very often. However, then there are the people who regularly read these messages. They're clearly trying to understand, and hopefully they know that what's happening isn't right. So, I know that I'm not the only one on this side after all. I'm grateful for the support.

One day, you'll be on the right side of things again. I will be right beside you, with all my heart.

Bad people

Before the court hearing, your grandfather told my mother that he'd given me his number so that I could talk to him. My mother warned me not to talk to him, or he'd use it against me. So, I avoided calling him... until today. I told him that I wanted to talk about you.

If you contact me or anyone else about her, I will get her to file against you as being in contempt of the court. Bye.

I weakly asked him to hold on. He hung up.

He said he would get you to file... they really have been the puppeteers behind this whole thing, after all. If he were to tell you simply that I'm talking about you, you wouldn't do anything. But he would urge you in addition that you need to take action against me. I really wanted to think that he was a good person. That you were wrong all those years when you said that your grandparents were heartless, and that my mom was wrong when she said that I couldn't trust your grandfather. But no, he really is a bad person, isn't he? I don't like labeling people as bad. I want to understand them. But what I understand is that you're nothing more than an heir to them. All those times they called you fat and wouldn't gift you things that would help your life, they really were trying to mold you into someone worthy of being their granddaughter. They alienated you because they thought that made you independent and strong, but instead it made you clingy and weak. And I guess that's what they're trying to do to me, too, by manipulating you into this. Horrible. Just horrible.

All I wanted to talk about was the realization I came to yesterday. I wanted to warn him that you've been depressed all this time because you're so disconnected. I wanted to ask for him and your grandmother to spend as much time as they could with you, and to make you feel more loved. So what happened instead is painfully ironic. What's more painful is that I know now that they aren't helping you.

We're good people, though. Somehow, someday, we will repair this.

American pi day

The date being 03/14/15 makes it American Pi Day! I had the oh-so-original idea to - wait for it - buy a pie in celebration. Part of my brilliant plan was to get the pie in the evening. Yes, so brilliant and original that, by the time my little brother and I left to buy the pie, everyone else in the city had beaten us to it. Okay, sarcasm aside, we had to drive to an entirely different location where they were in the process of baking up some more pies.

I really wish you were with us to enjoy the chocolate cream pie we got! Actually, not really; you wouldn't have liked the chocolate that much. David certainly did it, and he was the one who chose that flavor. Nonetheless, I just imagine what your presence would have been like. Maybe we would have even gotten a different flavor of pie? If you got a flavor that you liked, how much of the pie would have been devoured then? And would you have talked me out of trying to mix cinnamon into my milk, or would you just added some laughs when I derped up? Yes, I did do that. Yes, I should have known better, growing up with Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, than to expect the cinnamon to simply mix in. Look, I'm just obsessed with spices right now, okay?

Anyway, I hope you didn't miss out on this funny little day. If you didn't do anything out of the ordinary, then I hope you at least laughed about it a bit with someone. This particular Pi Day only comes around every 100 years, you know. In another 100 years, who knows, the US may have submitted to international date standards, thus abolishing Pi Day altogether. Crazy theoretical there, I know, haha.

Hey, mind if I close this with a pie pun? Alright, here goes: sweet dreams!

Unseen

We never really knew each other. There were hints that we didn't take. There was an entire other level to each of us that we never explored... because I held back all those years. I thought, "I'll put up with her being such a kid, because I love her and want her to be happy." You thought, "He never tries to relate to me, but I love him and want him to be happy." When I opened up completely to you, you broke; would I break if I listened closely to absolutely everything you had to say? That's a risk I'm willing to take if it would help you.

It seems that disconnection is the root of all of our problems. You told me that you don't have friends and family that you feel very close to. I told you that you mean everything to me, but now I can't have you close. Knowing that my depression has pushed me into experiences you described having to me, I'm sure that you've been battling depression all these years. I see all too clearly now the true nature of disconnection. What we didn't know hurt us so very badly. I hope that everyone reading this can understand now that disconnection is not the answer.

Now, how can you come to realize it? Your psychologist, the police, your grandparents, her... so many people around you are telling you to stay away. There are some who won't tell you otherwise because they don't want to pick a non-existent side. And I can't tell you a single thing. I can only hope that someone else can show you what I've realized: do not disconnect, but look further.

Fell asleep sorry

Around 7PM yesterday I was watching our favorite little YouTuber play some Call of Duty, and... jeez, all of a sudden I got very, very sleepy! So I went to bed, put an episode of his Deadly Orbit series on my tablet, and passed out within a matter of minutes. Now it's 2AM. Damn, I missed my second update of the day.

I actually did wake up briefly around 11:30 I think? So I did have the chance to get up and whip a post up. You know, though, how when you wake up at such a time all you want to do is get back to sleep. That's exactly what I did. It's not the first time I've missed an update; I've done it twice before, once partly intentionally as to bring the post count back to an even number. I like seeing the post count even, it just seems complete. I could skip out on an update today to even things out, but I think I'll just give an extra post instead. It's not really like when I was txting you and trying to limit my contact with you, so I can put down a message as often as I want really.

I do wanna talk about how odd this is. First, for weeks I've been waking up at 7AM or earlier, where I'd normally sleep in until 10. If we were still talking, that'd be nice, because I could talk to you in the morning before school. Unfortunately it doesn't do anything particularly positive for me, and it tends to be overcast in the morning. Second, I don't normally fall asleep to media. You're the one who considers background noise an imperative for sleep, not me. I mean, I was falling asleep to gameplay of Call of Duty, and first-person shooters do not provide the silence I normally sleep to. Third, why 7PM? That's way earlier than I usually sleep. If I really needed more than 6 hours of sleep so badly, I would prefer to sleep in dammit.

The most absurd thing out of all of this is that it mirrors your sleeping habits. Wake up early even when it's unnecessary? Check. Fall asleep to people yelling, having engaging dialogue, and shooting guns? Check. Occasionally fall asleep hours before bedtime? Check. This can't be a coincidence... love, what have you been dealing with all this time? What have you been going through that nobody can make you smile away? When I was happy with you and you said that dark thoughts consume your silence, I didn't really get it. You could just think about nothing, enjoy the silence, I figured. Now it's difficult for me to do just that to chase my own thoughts away from my quietness.

Your abandonment got me in this state. You told me so much about how you hardly have friends and you feel disconnected from your family. Is this really what lack of communication does? Does it create shut-ins who can't keep poisonous thoughts away when things are too calm? This is... incredible... and it makes too much sense... I'm so sorry.

What I say to you

There have been some long posts here, and there have been some short ones. Sometimes I put posts up only an hour apart from each other. Despite those things, I always have something to say to you. There are many things I want to say to you. The real consideration is how to say it. You'll read these messages some day, and I want to convey them as well as I can. Keeping to updating twice every day forces me to search for words. It forces me to try to think and understand myself. Where I would otherwise sink further without your presence, expressing myself to you keeps me afloat.

I like to think that each message means as much as the other. The meanings themselves can be very different, but I see all of them as equally important to understand. These words are vessels for my hope, even when I'm covering something up.

An evening out and about

After school, my little brother and I spent some time together. He wanted to get a Doctor Who jacket at Hot Topic, so we drove all the way to a downtown plaza to get it. Some silly stuff happened.

First off, parking. When we got into the parking building, I thought it'd be like other parking lots: pay for parking, get a ticket, leave the ticket on the dash, leave before time's up. Nope! I didn't have to pay a penny from start to finish, and that really made me uncomfortable, haha. I felt like I was skipping out on a tab. We also found out when we wanted to leave that the ticket had to be taken to a validation machine in the plaza. So we had to hunt around for a validation machine, and it wasn't easy. One sign that said Parking Validation pointed straight at the ground. Before and after futilely trying to navigate down underneath the sign, I was pretty convinced that the sign was asking us to phase through the ground. I still have no idea who thought that sign would help anyone. And the sections of the parking structure were identified with vegetables, just what? We were in 2Chili. Again, what.

After we parked, we needlessly walked around half a block to find an entrance into the plaza. We hunted down directories on each floor and navigated up various escalators, because come on they're escalators! We did end up betraying the escalators to use a staircase at one point. Dishonor on everything from us to our cow. But the staircase was alright because it wasn't straightforward, and there were some huge chess boards nearby that some people were messing with. I asked my brother if he wanted to play, but he was concerned about the non-existent parking fee, so we didn't dawdle. Making our way to the Hot Topic without help may have been a small feat, but it was a fun one for whatever reason~

That Hot Topic is not particularly clearly organized! After making our ways around the walls of the store, my brother and I found awesome stuff but didn't quite understand the layout. At all! We ended up in a corner with various Doctor Who items and some Supernatural and Harley Quinn stuff. I was so confused that I decided to stop being antisocial and talk to a clerk. So apparently one wall is for guys, the next is for girls, and the last is for... whatever they couldn't fit on the other walls, I guess. Since jackets are out of season and I couldn't find any neon-colored jeans in my size, we decided to get Attack on Titan tees! You know, the anime, AKA Shingeki no Kyojin? Anyway, at first the shirts were matching, but the clerk insisted that I get the other shirt they had available for the series, so I did. There were Minecraft figurines and plushies that tempted me, but we could each have only one item and the shop was doing buy-1-get-1/2. Random urge to be thrifty! My brother's going to wear his shirt to a field trip tomorrow. I'm sure someone will notice and call him out on it, or at least recognize his awesomeness.

Finally, back in suburbia, my little brother got a haircut. And the Asian stylist who tended to him said he looks like an anime character with his new hairstyle. Like, I've been calling him Asian for years! I think this serves as confirmation. We walked afterward to fetch a quesadilla for him, and on the drive back home I finally dropped by McDonald's to get a Shamrock Shake. Mmm. Though, can you believe that my brother forgot that they have McFlurries at McDonald's? Like, where else would have have McFlurries, man! I think he was satisfied with his Sprite though.

All in all, I had a fun evening with my brother. But... I couldn't help but think of you. You could have had fun with the navigation shenanigans and parking payment misunderstanding. We would have gotten you something from Hot Topic, and something tells me that it would have either been wibbly-wobbly or plushy, or maybe a shirt featuring Sebastian Michaelis' visage since that was an option. Maybe you'd have gone for a haircut too, and I know you'd beg for a quesadilla. A cola with no ice would have been added to the food order, and you would have contributed to teasing my little brother about forgetting about McFlurries. Us three have always gone out together.... Your only presence there, though, was through my thoughts.

Let's all have some fun together again sometime. Especially an evening out and about.

Dream a smile

The sky was grey over some big concrete buildings, cement ground, and green trees. I looked forward, and you were inches in front of me, facing away from me. You looked over your shoulder and smiled at me. I froze. You looked away and walked on, and I couldn't follow. I fell to the ground and just sat there. I couldn't say anything, and I couldn't move. I could only watch you disappear into the crowds. I felt empty and weak, but I remember your smile.

Not so different from my life.

Tick tick tick

So, I'm not gonna heal without you. I've accepted that, I'm dealing with it, I'm staying where I am. But what are the conditions for your recovery? Supposedly I need to be out of your life. Check. You need the support of family and friends. Check. You need to have your technology for entertainment. Check. So then, why aren't you getting any better?

I don't know when you'll stop being so deceived. But time is passing by quickly. If you could get better before you leave town, that'd be great. I shouldn't get my hopes up for that, though. You'll likely need to live your own life before you can heal. Well, I will do everything I can do to help you. Even though that means not doing anything at all, just watching the clock tick by. I wish someone would actually help you, by helping us.

Grey days can be okay

Today's been pretty nice! Our favorite YouTuber put up a video just because I asked him to, and he mentioned me. I've kept that in mind most of the day to keep me smiling. You'll probably see that video later. I found out that, in my upcoming module of school, I can get accommodations for my depression instead of letting it screw my schoolwork like it did the past module. I've had fun interacting with my online friends; they're acting so silly today! Finally, YouTube has been feeding me some lovely electronica to chill to.

Even with clouds in the sky and without you here, things are good! I hope your day has been just as nice~

Why forgetful posts why

The default permalink for a blog post page here on Blogger ends with its title, with dashes replacing the spaces. But I like to change it so that it's the day, a dash, then the daily post number. For some reason I keep forgetting to change that permalink on posts that mention forgetfulness. Ironic coincidence? Subconscious self-prank? Oh well, few people besides me care.

While we're on the topic of forgetfulness, sometimes I have something to post when I wake up. However, by the time I get to my blog to post, the words have disappeared. They're kind of like dreams, but I don't remember any dreams actually inspiring those words. I feel like they form as I wake up, then vanish when I've started being active. In general, I think a lot about my situation and about you when I wake up. Those other thoughts, at least for a while, vanish when I get up and do things.

I think as good a way as any to close this one is to note what won't be forgotten. I can't just forget you, and you can't just forget me. It'd take some brain damage or hypnosis, and I really hope brain damage doesn't come into play. Okay, that's too odd of a note to end on. Just remember that I keep going for you.

I forgot to say

I was so scared in that room. Many things were left unsaid. I did manage to say that your wellbeing is the most important thing to me. I didn't get to say that I can accept being your friend. In fact, I'm okay with being whatever you want me to be, as long as I'm somehow yours, but I wouldn't have said all that in that room. I tried to acknowledge that you need to heal. I tried to say that I wasn't healing without you. I hope you heard what I was trying to say.

I hope you can remember me when you're better. I want you to help me to heal after you've recovered. If I can ever get better without you, then I will. I'll do whatever I can so that you can call me your friend again.

Others are worse off

One person I know is the victim of child abuse, has been depressed for years, self-harms, and has attempted suicide several times in the last month.

I'm pretty well off, and I always have been. I have a caring family and concerned friends. I've only been depressed for a bit over a month. I don't self-harm, and I've never actually attempted suicide. I have food and clean water. I live in a stable household. I can drive wherever I need to in my car. I've got a computer and a smart phone for playing games and connecting to the world. Those things are great.

But I'm still depressed, and just because I don't have you anymore. Absolutism just doesn't apply to depression. I don't care about anything but you right now, so the pain of people whose depression is more justified doesn't matter to me. All I can feel is my sadness, emptiness, and longing, not theirs.

And I can't feel your anxiety and fear. But you are still the only thing that matters to me so, even if I can't feel your anxiety, it still matters to me. At least you're better off than I am; I care about nothing except you, while you care about everything except me.

Love harms

I say that I don't self-harm.
That isn't true.
I love you.
That hurts me more than any cut.

You better be getting better

I've been giving you your space for weeks now, and you still hadn't improved that last day that I saw you. Your anxiety must be just as deep as my depression... what's prolonging it for you, though? Not seeing you is what's keeping me down. Is it being around those people that's keeping you scared?

For what it's worth, this separation better be helping you. I'm suffering every day so that you will get better. Your welfare is so much more important than I am. For every day that I hate, I hope you've enjoyed it. For every second that I cry, I hope you've laughed. For every time I have to fake a smile, I hope you've held a genuine grin on your pretty face. For every message I leave here, I hope you've read or heard something that warms your heart. For every time our memories taunt me, I hope they've reminded you of better times.

I just don't want you to be killing yourself as much as you've killed me. And I want you to get better soon so that you can save me.

International women's day

It's International Women's Day! You probably didn't know that. Well, congratulations, you're being celebrated. What I've been wondering all day is whether the day celebrates the female sex, the female gender, or both. I'd really like to be a part of it. I identify as nongender, but I want to accept my male body while I also have a strong desire to be female. It's events like this day that keep me confused and even self-loathing.

Once I broke down and cried to you about being a boy. I told you how I was sick of being a boy, how much I wanted to be a girl. Some time later, when she visited, you even tried to say to her that I was a girl inside. But I said that I don't care about being male or female. Usually that's true, but I've been wanting to be a girl much more often since I became depressed. On top of all the things I've always envied women for, I feel that there are so many things that would have gone right in our relationship if I were a woman. Men are more easily seen as intimidating. Maybe I wouldn't have been seen as so much of a threat if I were a woman. I wouldn't have felt the need to be a strong, decisive man and break up with you. In the first place, she could have had affection for me if I were a woman, so there'd be no problem to break up over. Just... everything would have been right.

You're the woman I cherish on this International Women's Day. I hope you're enjoying yourself. I hope you're happy being exactly who you want to be. Whenever you come back... the person you called your baby girl will be waiting right here.

Don't be a hero

I learned something about fitting into society this past month. Don't be a hero. You don't have the right to be a hero. Society runs off of papers and subservience, you see. In some places, the fabric of authority is unraveling or nonexistent. Maybe being a hero is more appropriate in those places. I can't comment on that, because I have no experience there. All I can say is, where the law is the law and units can be dispatched to your location, don't be a hero. You can too easily become a victim, like I have.

In no way alone

I know that I'm not alone. There are so many people who want to help me; I can't be alone when all these people are reaching out to me. There are so many people I know that are struggling with depression just like I am; I can't be alone when all these people are in the same place that I am. Even some songs sing about my emotions and situation. All these connections ensure that I am not alone.

You aren't alone. You're a recluse, but there are people who love you. I'm crazy enough to believe that you can even feel me caring about you. In those silent moments when dark thoughts envelop you, you certainly aren't alone; I suffer now the same way, so I'm in the same place. If there isn't anyone else, then there's still me.

I never want you to feel like you are alone. Loneliness is a deadly thing. We're never alone, and some day we won't be so separated either.