I should spread these messages out more

I'm sorry. I've been writing the two messages each day very close to each other lately. It's nearly midnight when I've posted the second one. I really should at least write the first one in the morning. I have many opportunities to write in the morning, but I usually get up and tackle my hunger and entertainment first. I rather struggle to have priorities since everything is so meaningless to me. That's no excuse though.

As always, it isn't like I have nothing to say. It's been difficult to find words lately, though. I feel like they come to me more easily at night. I've dealt with my day, lived it out, and I don't bother looking forward to tomorrow. It's the perfect time for me to sit down and hunt down words. All is quiet, and I'm more capable of getting in touch with those phrases that have been eluding me during the day.

I'll try to write tomorrow morning. I don't have work, don't even have school, don't have to go out of the house. Of course I still have responsibilities, but they can honestly wait. Many of them have been waiting for quite a while. I really need to put my clean laundry away. Well, do look forward to an early message tomorrow, okay? Take care.

Water

I love the water. I always enjoy a glass of good water to drink. I like swimming and floating around in water. I like taking terribly long showers. I smile in the rain as the raindrops hit my skin and the world. My astrological sign, Scorpio, is a water sign. The element of the Kingdom Hearts character you assigned to me, Demyx, is water.

Lately, I've been droplets. I've hardly been enough to do anything, and that's fine. Looking back on times when I was angry, I've never been fiery; rather, I've been the crashing of waves or of a waterfall. When I was vengeful, I've been the drag of a river's current or a shore's riptide. When I'm upset, my surface ripples on contact with falling precipitation of frustrations and regrets.

So is that why I can't burn up inside? Is that why I feel so dry most of the time, and at others I feel like I'm drowning? Is that why, at my worst, I'm dragged through a vast sadness as if by terrifying and uncontrollable jets? Has my shoreline's waves stayed small, has my river shriveled? I suppose that water cannot die, though, like a flame can.

Closing up

I've been open with people ever since you convinced me to be. So, I'm scared right now. I always have the urge to cut everything off and become nothing. Now I'm fulfilling it. I haven't talked to our friends in days. I quit working with my grandpa. I stopped answering most phone and immediately replying to messages. I'd like to think that it's a pruning, but this really is dangerous. In some ways I feel satisfied, but in others I feel plain wrong.

Should I be trying to make these connections again? Should I be putting effort into something else? How far will I let myself go, how isolated will I become? That last question is the only one I can answer, really; I won't let it go any further than this. I know for a fact that I need to stay connected in order to be safe and sound. I know that I need to be safe and sound to talk to you again. I know that I need to talk to you again. So I will give what I can to not keep closing up. I'm so worried...

What you can

You are a limitless person. Truly, the boundaries that you have are ones you've set on yourself. I tried to keep you free. I gave you the encouragement to try so many things, and you did. We've both done stunning things, for better and worse. But you were always able to fly higher than I could.

Looking back, then looking at my feet, the only reason I could be nearly as unbound as you was because of you. No other love has ever taken me so far. I'd never even asked someone to a dance before you. I never even managed to actually take someone to a date. Each time you said yes when I hesitated, you broke a chain inside me. Maybe some of those chains should have stayed intact, but I nonetheless became much more than I'd been because of you.

Now nearly every link is broken. A single burst of strength could send me careening into anywhere. My soul must stay limp, since the iron drags against me no longer. Those chains were fear containing me, and you shattered so many of them. I'm still scared in some ways. I'm still afraid of death, for example. I'm glad that chain is still there.

So that is how we ended up in this unbelievable situation. You broke my fears and ran where you felt like running. You are amazing. You inspire me to keep going. Because you can, so you make me capable as well.

Absurd

My life is actually pretty absurd. The world isn't as normal as I thought it was. What we've done is so unbelievable. The issues of the people I know are surprising when made raw. I've sunk so low into this, and I've seen who would truly be with me and who would scatter. The words I find in my heart hold other people, let them know that they aren't alone. Phrases of desire and of depression alike inspire people to speak and to continue.

That is nothing like the world I knew before. That world was so shallow, yet I cherished it. This world is so deep, yet I can hardly reach out for it. This is all so weird, but I'm not bothered by that. I've become comfortable in this world of absurdity.

First sight

Your older sister invited me and some other friends to the mall. She had to bring her little sister along, much to her dismay. So, we all met up at the mall.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but I noticed you right away. Somehow, you were more there than the rest of the world. It's not quite right to say that you stood out. The presence of reality seemed to bend around you, augmenting you. You were unique in your being, more in place than anything could ever be.

And how did I act? I was instantly pulled in. I treated you like you'd been my friend for days. Most of what I remember of that time was you. I couldn't help but look at you. I just had to say things to you. I remember walking at your side while we went about the mall. I even messed with you like I do with good friends, snatching your soda and playing keep-away with you. Of course I gave it back in the end. It's so hard to believe how comfortable I was with you. And I hate to admit that, given my antics, it must be true that boys tease girls that they like.

What did we think when we parted that day? I thought that you were a fun girl to have met, but we wouldn't really cross paths again. You've told me that you thought I was just an obnoxious guy that you wouldn't have to deal with again. How wrong we were about how intertwined we were, my dear. Not until recently have I really stopped to consider what happened that day; on my part, was it love at first sight?

I miss you

I think it's obvious. Nonetheless, I want to make it clear. We're young and have so much time. That time is being wasted with this separation, but there will still be enough left. For what? For forging new memories with each other.

We've had experiences where one of us felt wonderful at the other's expense, and even times when we couldn't help but drag each other down. What I remember when I think of us are the moments we spent together in elation, in comfort, in joy, in love. I want to sculpt more of those times with you, because I know that we can do it.

Someday your hand will stop shaking. I'll hold it then. We can start crafting something together again.

Dismantling

There was an old dresser that we'd left in the backyard for months I think. The top of the dresser was weathered so badly that it sagged downward. We couldn't start using that dresser again if we wanted to. It simply sat there, with nobody paying any mind to it. Nobody tried to take it down, move it, even cover it.

Today, I grabbed a screwdriver and got to work. I started removing the screws from the dresser, slipping the components out. I started separating the planks of the dresser. I took my sweet time, putting the screws and parts aside to be dealt with later. There were two parts I had to destroy in order to remove. That weathered top was connected to the rest of the dresser by some bits that had absurd, huge screws. I just ripped that off. There was a random plank through the middle of the dresser, too. I just brought my foot down on the plank, snapping the wood and knocking it to the ground simultaneously.

Controlled destruction can be a good release for negative energy. It's not surprising, then, that I got nothing out of snapping the plank nor ripping the top off. Depression has taken away my ability to be angry, truly. Exerting brute force was no relief for me. However, otherwise dismantling the dresser did do something for me. It wasn't forcing something to its breaking point, but working it with a degree of attention to bring it down. I don't have wrath to let loose, but an emptiness to occupy.

Our blood moon

I wasn't able to wake up to see the blood moon this morning. I wonder if you got to see it. If you did, I wonder who you saw it with. I get the feeling you didn't even know it was happening, or that you otherwise slept it over like I did. Sleeping it over definitely seems like something you'd do.

Of course, the first thing I thought of when I heard about the blood moon was the first time we each ever saw one. We had slept at your house that night, with the alarm set for early in the morning. We put on our glasses and walked out your front door into the chilly night to stare up at the moon. The moon was very close, and a shadow crept across its surface from an angle clearly distinct from your average moon phase. We stared up at the sky and watched as the shadow very slowly but surely progressed across the surface of the moon.

While it was all very fantastic, it was clear that we wouldn't see the moon become completely red for a very long time. So, we absconded from the biting outdoors and into the house. I don't think we went back to sleep, which was probably the mistake that I made this morning. I remember that we marathon-watched Epic Rap Battles of History on YouTube to pass time. You didn't have your own computer yet, so we watched on the computer in your mother's room, sitting on the foot of her bed. I believe we had a blanket draped over our shoulders and I held you as we laughed and giggled at the videos.

After we'd spent a good deal of time indoors, we ventured outside again. Thinking back, we should have brought the blanket. We were so sleepy though. The moon had very much changed its position in the sky, so we couldn't see it from your front door anymore. We walked out to the street and hunted for the ideal location to see the moon, now much nearer to the horizon. We walked up and across your street, finding our spot on a neighbor's lawn. The cold, still air pricked our skin and seeped into the soles of our Converse shoes. None of this detracted from the amazingness of seeing the moon so big and red. As the sun rose behind us, the surface of the moon was dark again but the craters were outlined in red. It was really amazing to see, for both of us, for the first time.

What was best, though, was doing all this with you. The moon was stunning, but I kept looking to you. I loved your awe as you stared up at the moon. Your expression was more precious than the beauty of the celestial body. Even when my eyes were directed to the moon, the experience was made better by the fact that my hand rested on you or in your hand. We may have been enjoying the night for this spectacular lunar eclipse, but I feel that I truly cherished it because I enjoyed it with you.

I didn't write, of course

Yeah, I didn't get to post yesterday. I'm still here, though, like I said. I've always been horrible at making spare time before a trip, to be honest. It isn't like I didn't wake up early; I always do. But it's always the small stuff, like taking a shower for a bit too long or deliberating for too much time on what to wear. All the time I waste always stacks up and messes with my plans, but at least we didn't leave late this time. Usually we leave an hour or so late. You know my family's reputation for that, actually.

The trip was nice. I messaged some friends on the way there. I watched a weird movie with my favorite cousin. She, my little brother, and I walked one of her (big) dogs to a park and back. Later, she and I drove the other two dogs, only three months old but still big, to the park. They're not used to walking on leashes, so it was difficult to move them around. They also didn't quite understand getting in and out of the car, but they weren't bad with actually being in the car. They were also more comfortable in the car on the way back. All in all, we made a lot of progress with those two, but I wish we had harnesses instead of collars. I felt bad tugging them along, even though the collars pressed against the back of the neck and not the front. On the way back, my brother and I watched a movie. We planned to get a little sleep before waking up and seeing the lunar eclipse, but we missed it. I did wake up too early and saw the moon being partially eclipsed, however.

It was a good day. I'm always wishing you were here, but it was nonetheless a good day.

Traveling tomorrow

Tomorrow's Good Friday. I wanted to go to church, but instead I'm going with my family to visit my cousins. That's fine. I like those cousins. But I really wanted to start a churchgoing habit... oh well.

I'm almost surprised that we're going anywhere for Spring Break. I don't actually have a break from school, but I don't have classes on Friday, so I'm clear for the trip. It isn't a long ride, and it isn't out of the state. Good thing I'm feeling particularly well, so I'll probably be able to put on a big smile for my cousins!

I'm going to try to type up tomorrow's messages before I leave. I'll schedule the second one to be published sometime after noon. If that doesn't end up happening, please don't be alarmed. I'll still be alive, I promise this to you. =]

Really talking

I've been repeating over and over lately that communication is the solution to our problems. But, even more than that, to what extent are you communicating? You may be hanging out with enough people, but are you really putting everything out there with a few people? You need to be able to discuss your thoughts from the surface to the core. You need people to sift through absolutely everything with you.

I tell myself that you're doing just that with at least two people. There's your psychologist and there's her. You talk to her every moment she has free, and you've always told her more than you tell to me. I don't know how often you talk to your psychologist, but that person is hopefully experienced and trained to help you explore your issues. It's on you to tell that person everything there is to tell, and I tell myself that you're saying it all.

Keep talking. Really talking. We'll be okay.

The previous message was a lie of course

Happy April Fools' Day. Yes, the last message was a lie. I had to do something in the spirit of April Fools', right? And, of course, that lie was meant for the other readers, not for you. You would know better, obviously. There were a few hints in that message that showed that it was facetious.

1. Post title:

   The title of You and I are TALKING AGAIN!!! breaks the title pattern that I mention in the message Blogging. The only capitalized letter in the title of a normal post is the very first letter. Those titles don't have ending punctuation marks, much less three of them.

2. Too good to be true:

   Sure, the content started out believable. It started to get a little questionable when I said that you're canceling the restraining order and taking me back. By the end, we've got a life set up for us in New York complete with fuck buddies? As if!

3. Hover your cursor over the paragraph:

   The tooltip that appears says, "April fools..." That easter egg just flat-out admits it.

On one hand, I'd like to apologize to the readers who didn't notice these hints and actually believed the story. You know that I wish it were true, too. On the other, though, I'd like to thank them for taking me so seriously. Depression isn't a joke, regardless of the attempts I occasionally make to lighten these messages up. If you didn't look at that previous message and think, "You've got to be kidding," then I know that you don't look at my other messages and think that, either. I really appreciate that you understand how genuine I've been.

Trust me, the only time you should be skeptical of a message's authenticity is next April Fools' Day. Thank you so much for reading. Surely we'll make it another year, won't we!

You and I are TALKING AGAIN!!!

Oh my God, it all payed off! All those months of suffering have come to an end, finally. I don't know what made you pick up the phone and start talking to me again, but I'm so glad you did! Your smile on the screen is like the sunrise on my world, and the notes of your voice are like birds singing awake~ You're going to cancel the restraining order, and you'd even like to take me again!! Yes, of course I'll live with you in the new building in New York that your grandparents gave you! I actually got a job offer from a New York-based company a while ago, and it looks like I'm the best candidate!! I could easily ask what openings they have in New York. The pay for all the positions I qualify for are really high-paying with not many hours, so I could pretty much buy you anything and spend all the time there is with you in the Big Apple. You have some boys and girls who want to play over there? Damn fine by me, babe. This is all so exciting!!!

Plenty of problems

Many people look around themselves and think, "Everything is okay, or at least normal." If we always thought that something is wrong, we'd be very stressed. I'm talking beyond pessimism, more along the lines of paranoia. I recognize that, most of my recent time, everything is okay and normal. It's too bad that I don't care for that more.

How good my life is won't be the subject of this message, though. I want to talk about how, truly, everything is not okay. I know many people with many problems. They may seem like normal people who are doing okay, but how they feel inside is not at all ideal. Some of them are managing their problems. Some of them are covering up and denying their problems. They're not well, but they are or they act okay enough to get through the day. I don't particularly expect these people to have been working with such difficulties, but then again it doesn't surprise me. Looks can be deceiving; a look at how I was before this year wouldn't suggest to most people that I would be in the state that I am in now. And if, as I believe, nobody can every fully know another person, then of course it's easy to miss what is bothering another person. Consider how long it took me to identify your deal with depression.

I recently opened up to another person face-to-face about my situation. It turns out that this person was dealing with depression and heartbreak as well, and had much to relate to me. Now this conversation is open between us, where I expected only to be briefing the other person on my depression. It's mind-boggling, what stays hidden. We can only hope to discover things about people that we can understand.

The bottom line is, problems are the norm. Problems are not an excuse to turn away, because turning away from every problem means turning away from the world entirely. That shouldn't be acceptable. It's okay to see the world in a rosey tint, but it isn't okay to ignore the dark spots. There's a good lot of them.

I just walked off

I mentioned before that I had a horrible realization about my grandpa. That unveiling kept on today. Yesterday I asked if I could take Good Friday off to go to church, and my grandpa got very skeptical of my intentions. I told him that I wanted to go to church to help myself spiritually. He thought I just wanted to skip out on work. I've told him many times that I don't want to go to work with him, but I do it to keep myself doing something. I legitimately think spending Good Friday in church could do me good, but he thought I was just giving up on work for that day.

He's an okay person, really. He's really anxious, though. He's always full of lots of emotions, aggravated by his situation (which is much worse than mine, from a neutral perspective). The horrible part is that he projects his feelings on other people and usually refuses to acknowledge that he's feeling angry or acting irrationally. He says that everyone else is angry, when he's the one raging. I've said many times that I cannot be angry, but he doesn't consider what I say. Even when I'm letting my melancholy twist my lips into a frown and my brows crease my forehead up, he can't see anything but his own fury on my face.

So he yelled at me today, like usual. He ignored what I said, like usual. He said that I should just make myself feel better, like usual. What he added, though, was that he needed an actual laborer. So then what the hell was I doing there? I walked away. I took the keys to his house and walked far away. I took a cab back to his house, took my car keys, left his keys at his house, and drove in my car back home. All that for the price of wasted time, $24.60, gas, and potentially my pay for the job. None of that matters to me, so all in all it was worth it.

I kept going to work so that I could be moving and become suitable for you. But being at work with my grandpa made me feel too many times like I'm so worthless and should die. That's not where I want to head. I don't care how much more difficult it will be for him, how much money he would have given me, what my family will think. I'm not willing to trade in what little stability I have, not willing to stray away from being good enough for you.

Caught singing

I can drive well. I can sing well. I can sing while driving well. Today I was driving with the windows down and Cecilia and the Satellite blasting from the radio. I came to a stoplight while singing the chorus in a tenor range, and I randomly looked to the left. In the adjacent car sat an older lady, and the her window was slightly lowered. She was smiling at me, having heard me. I grinned at her and looked away, not singing any further. Kind of embarrassing, but it was the kind of embarrassment that you immediately take lightly. So I kept smiling a little.

The lady lowered her window. She said to me that I sounded good. I looked to her with another smile and thanked her. Then I looked forward, continuing to smile. This time I wasn't embarrassed, and my smile felt more genuine and full to me. It made me pretty happy that this stranger had randomly encouraged me like that.

Somebody ended up hearing me, so I guess even singing to myself is communication. The exchange of glances and grins was funny, and receiving her compliment was pleasant. Communication is just a wonderful thing, even in the smallest bits, especially as it builds up like that.

Easily frustrated

I came to a point where I easily accepted that nobody could fully understand me. I accepted that people can say the wrong things. I shrugged off that some people refuse to listen.

Now, I'm hypersensitive about it. When I try to explain something and they just don't get it, I panic because I feel like I can never say what I mean. When they respond with all the wrong things, it's hard not to feel like they're attacking me. When they don't listen, I try to repeat what I said a few times. Then I turn around, sit down, and simply feel upset... if not physically, then at least in my mind.

This isn't just how I am about talking about my depression. My little brother suggested yesterday that, since I was hungry right before we left to the bay, I grab a donut. I yelled at him (partly because I was in another room), why would I eat something so unhealthy when I'm at the lowest weight that I've been in years!? I ended up eating a cream-filled sweetbread. I got frustrated too easily over a stupid little suggestion. I think that one example is enough.

Sometimes, I'm still apathetic. My grandpa gets frustrated that I'm texting my suicidal friend when I don't have a moment of respite on the job. I don't give a shit. I tried to explain my situation to him, and he still can't get off the fact that I'm texting. He even refused to answer whether or not he cared about my friend. Knowing that he cares more about a minute of work than for the life of my friend did make me extremely sad. It made me cry a little behind his back... I mentioned that previously. I'm not sure that was frustration as much as a horrible realization that brought those tears.

When they don't listen, I ramble on until I lose hope. So, it's a good sign when a message goes up here.

Long paths

We have long paths ahead of us. Yours is likely to be pretty pleasant and easy. Mine has been very uneven, much too thin at many points, with barren landscape surrounding me. I don't see that changing. But I know that the paths will cross, and I'll keep hiking along for that. Maybe my path will get better by that time, too. I can't rule that out.

On this path, I have to keep looking at the ground. Looking at the horizon is too intimidating. Looking around is pointless to me. I can't help but listen to anything that chatters in this devoid place. Those chatters can be support, distraction, something to get me by. But it can also be horribly debilitating. I can't help it. The only thing I can do is to not give up. I need to stay on this path, not lose myself. It doesn't even matter what the path is going to be become, or how long I will walk it alone, or even what it will be like when our paths join again.

I won't stare into the distance trying to figure that out. I'll watch the steps immediately ahead of me, just making sure to keep my balance as I travel.

With close support

Today I went walking at the bay again. This time, it was with my little brother and my mom. I always like to just listen to the ambience, but they listened to music the whole time. Still, I was able to chat with them a bit. The conversation was enjoyable, even though my brother's definitely lost some hearing for blasting music from his headphones. They didn't want to walk as long as I usually do, but we still walked quite a while and saw pretty things. My mom has now realized why I prefer walking in the evening/night to walking during the day: it's got a completely different aesthetic, and it's nice to avoid the sun beating down on you. My brother made me realize how horrible you get at jogging if you don't keep it up when your P.E. classes are done; we went for an extra little jog after the walk, and I could only actually jog for about half of it. There's this bridge we walked across with rails are also lamps, and it's pretty neat. Even though some of the lamps were out or flickering, and the homes nearby are unimpressive.

When we got home, my brother and I decided to watch 3 episodes of the first season of Pokémon. They only have the dub on Netflix, like they only have the sub of Digimon, but that's fine because nostalgia of course. He bets that I won't memorize the Pokérap by the end of the Indigo League. He's probably right, and I'm already discouraged actually, heh. It seems pointless when there's much more than 150 Pokémon now. Maybe I'll still give it a shot, though.

Meanwhile, you're apparently on Spring Break out-of-state. It's good to know that you're doing something outside the norm, too. I hope you're spending your break with people that support you. Communication is key, I've said many times now. Maybe your big sister is with you, for example? In that case, I hope that she's being chill right now. I'm sure you aren't mentioning Minecraft to her, because I don't believe you've played it in quite a while, so it's easy to avoid strife with her on that front. I hope you have a lot to talk about, and you're enjoying every word of your conversations. I also hope that you're very comfortable wherever you are.