Wounds

I've been a bit of a jerk to the people around me. I think I've been letting my indifference to people combine with my frustration. The way I'm acting now kind of reminds me of the way I was throughout elementary and middle school. So, what is it? Now that I've been broken, is it my true self that's showing? Or is this some sort of scab that protects my wound while I heal back into the person I became? I feel like it's the latter; my true self was the person who showed you everything. Not someone who was out to get others, but someone who was deeply hurt with self-inflicted lies as wounds.

If the emotional and psychological wounds could manifest on my body, what would they look like? Would they be bruises, bone fractures, lashes, stabs? Let's start with the lies I made myself believe. I think an appropriate manifestation for those lies would be bleeding out of my mouth. I feel empty when I make those lies, after all, and they flow up from my gut and out through my mouth. The pain of knowing that there is someone else who you share a love with but that she can't love me? I'll assign that to bruises swelling under much of my skin. The guilt of thinking about you when you refuse to acknowledge me is like a pointed rod stabbed into my lung, leaving my breath shallow and discouraged.

Behind every hateful, insensitive, and terrible person is a wound that has not healed. If you saw me with those wounds, I'm sure you'd be scared out of your wits. Actually, you were scared out of your wits when I revealed what I was dealing with. So I wonder whether you would have been better off experiencing my hurt as you did, or seeing it on my body? I think that, had you seen me with physical wounds, it would have been more obvious that abandoning me is not the correct course of action. You would have probably taken me to a hospital and stayed by my side as much as you could. Maybe you're gone because you can't see how my state deteriorates without you, and how I heal when I feel that I'm with you.