In previous message, I said that I'd been filled with an anxious energy. I titled the message Itchy. It's kind of absurd when you can so easily find a physical sensation to describe emotion, but it helps when there's physical symptoms of that emotion. That hand fidgeting, sometimes it was a scratching motion. Pretty direct link there to an itch.
There's two ways to get rid of an itch. Either you indulge it, by scratching it or bathing it or whatever else, or you ignore it. I did a tiny bit of indulgence, making pointless movements to oust energy. I mostly ignored it. An ideal of weakness got me through it. It wasn't a struggle, but a numbing. That apathy that had dried the meaning from my life drowns near everything, and that itch was no different. I still feel in creeping, but now it's something I can work with instead of being worked up by it.
I remember now that my true problem isn't with anxiety. What I manage is my depression. I am low, not high-strung. I'm closer to nowhere than I am to anywhere. But what's even more important is that I've never even had a problem with anxiety, depression or not. I'm going back to where I should be, neither nowhere nor anywhere but somewhere safe. That place where we'll smile together again.
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