Oh woah, state of abnormality

I've been awake for nearly 30 hours straight. I'm not trying to brag or something, just stating the fact. I could go to sleep right now, and I could have at any point in the passed day. I just didn't go to sleep. I didn't care enough to go to sleep. I've just been up, either programming or watching shows. There were some times when I let myself nearly doze off during a show, but I could continue to be up.

Things aren't normal with me, obviously. Maybe it's better to think of normality as less of a single state and more as several states, each with a certain degree of normalcy and comfort, a certain blend and structure of activity. What's different? First off, I'm not going out of my way to help people. I'm hardly even going out of my way to talk to people. Instead, I've been programming pretty intensely. I mostly haven't even been coding with the goal of creating a system or program. I've been coding just to implement concepts, to make very non-specific stuff that has a lot of potential uses. You can call them utilities. For the things that I'm doing that aren't uncommon, I feel like I'm doing them in strange proportions. Programming, watching anime, preparing and eating food, and sleeping are habits that haven't manifested in the correct ratios. Like I said, intense programming and no sleep. Food-making has been less frequent and efforted for me. I'm not iterating through so many episodes of anime in a sitting.

Not all of that immediately appears bad. In many ways, I don't really think any of that is particularly bad. I just don't want to feel lost. I want to stop changing in ways that matter only enough to make life feel different, that don't matter enough to improve living. It's weird to think outside the axis of getting better and getting worse. The easiest way to compare today to a year ago is to say that it's worse, so I expect things to become better again or stay worse. It isn't surprising that the current changes hardly mean anything to me. The surprise to me is that they don't actually do anything to me.

Because of all this, I've decided to revert. No more doing what I feel like. I should regain the structure and composure that I had just a few days ago. Very importantly, that means restoring my writing frequency. I won't try to make up for the posts I've missed. One can't take back time, only use more time to pretend to do it over. This experience isn't worth so little that I would try to cover it up by writing in the stead of what should have been written. Two posts each day again, starting tomorrow.

No all-nighter. I should say hi to my friends. Less programming, more effort into food, a bit more anime-watching, and a good night's sleep. Let's see if I can pull it off, being more normal tonight.