Break the silence

Tell Her Before I Die officially supports the Suffering in Silence campaign for awareness of mental health and of suicide prevention.

After women's day

Last year, International Women's Day caused quite an upset in me. It didn't come out so much in my message about that observance as it did in the other message from that day. Even then, I failed to express my inner struggle regarding my identity. I remember how I felt then, and it was much different from how I feel now.

At the time, I chose to identify as nongender. I choose nowadays to identify as agender, simply because it's a more popular term that means just the same thing. I prefer to be called by either set of binary pronouns, and usually people choose "he" since I present as male. I have to admit, though, that I feel uncomfortable when people add maleness to me outside of pronouns. When they refer to me as a man instead of a person, for example, it bothers me. Even when the maleness is attached to a compliment, it pushes me off. I don't get angry. I just feel distanced. It's strange. I don't think I understand enough about this.

I felt alienated on International Women's Day last year. But then I'd been feeling alienated in general, because I was indeed alienated by you and others I cared for. No, it was more than alienation; it was rejection. I felt like a reject because I wasn't good enough to be celebrated that day. This year, though, I had a different perspective of International Women's Day. It isn't a day to celebrate femininity. I tweeted out who I myself dedicate Women's Day to: All the women who will not give in to sexism /from/ & \toward\ men, other women, & other genders. Yes, Women's Day should celebrate the victories of the female gender over sexism, even the everyday victories. From this view, I don't feel isolated. I feel proud. I am so proud of the women who achieve this.

And, as I mentioned last month, I found out that she isn't actually a lesbian. A year ago, that had been one of the things that had me loathing my own body. Now that I know the truth, my sex is a non-factor when remembering that incident. I have been able to instead reflect on my attitude and actions. I've realized that, somewhere along the line, I began to treat her only as if she owed me something, not as the dear friend I felt she was to me. After you and I are close again, if she wants to allow me to treat her differently then I will. Well, after all, it wouldn't do if I went through all this and didn't learn how I should change.

An online acquaintance of mine was very bitter on Women's Day. He was raped by a women, you see, and has not dealt well with his trauma; he doesn't act misogynistically, but he talks ferociously and angrily about women's movements as if they are inherently trying to oppress and reject men. I am glad that nothing so horrible happened to me, and that I am not so badly traumatized. However, it can be said that I shared the same view a year ago. Instead of lashing out, though, I turned on myself and reinforced those ideas of lowliness and worthlessness. I'm glad that those times are behind me. I wish they could be put behind for my acquaintance, too. I'm glad nothing as horrible as what happened to him has happened to me, and I'm glad that my trauma is not so terrible.

I am happy that I have been occasionally presenting femininely. For last Halloween, I crossdressed as my costume. (I walk well in heels!) At an event in January, I wore a dress for an evening, night, and morning. I felt very good expressing that part of myself. I look forward to doing more in the future. Thanks to the encouragement of others, I do not feel guilty about presenting femininely. I feel fantastic! I hope I can express this part of me around you, too.

In summary, my gender-related issues have been, to a large extent, resolved. Yes, I do still think my trauma has caused my change in sexuality, but I don't know where I'd start to reverse that and, really, it isn't bad in itself. I will try to understand my issues with being addressed as male, though. Writing here helped me to figure my depression out, so I think I should start writing frequently again to figure out that issue. Not daily, but whenever the issue appears in my life.

When you read this, I hope that you're at least happy that I'm trying to understand myself. And, like I said last year, the person you called your baby girl is still waiting here.