I seem normal

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who see me.
I do what I need to do.
I carry on like the rest.
I keep my chin up.
But what are they seeing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who hear me.
I smile and laugh.
I give sympathies and advice.
I chat happily about little things.
But what are they hearing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who ask me.
I shrug, "I'm fine."
I nod, "Things are great."
I grin, "Thanks for asking."
But what are they asking?

Am I normal yet?
Now ask the ones who feel me.
No?
Then why would I act so?
And what could be wrong?
But I believe you know.

Do I seem normal yet?
I want to be normal enough.

I'm well but frustrated

Things are going well for me. I'm doing schoolwork as needed. I've got plans for this weekend with friends. Got a partner who seems pretty obsessed with me. I have all the necessities and I'm taking care of myself. I'm continuing to handle my situation safely, and that's really important. These may be things a normal person should manage with ease, but it feels like a lot to me. Thus, I feel fine in patting myself on the back.

Yet I'm frustrated. Being okay doesn't feel worth it. I can't see myself getting closer to my goal, to seeing you again. Now that I don't have death and poor life management to be as concerned about, I'm beginning to ask myself, "If she's not even looking, why would she come back?" The obvious answer is to visit you and show you that I'm okay. Best case scenario, you smile and accept that. But what if you still are unwell? I have no idea if you've gotten better yet. I have no idea if you'll ever get better on your own, especially because of the people who led us into this. That's why I'm frustrated; the safest answer is to wait for you to come to me, but you may never come.

This recovery is happening through weakness and strength. I use strength to improve myself. I employ weakness to wait out dangerous urges. Seeing you is dangerous because it could send you into a needless panic. That's what happened the last time I tried to visit you. That's what you showed when you walked into the courthouse. That's all I'm able to go off of. I don't know anything else, because you aren't letting me know anything.

I will just stay weak to keep from causing you trouble. I will stay strong to keep striding away from depression. However, I have to admit that, when I said I would do this for years or decades, I didn't realize how slowly and painfully time would pass in just these past months.

Playlist updates

I updated my YouTube playlist earlier, the one titled They Sing The Words I Couldn't Find. I did some rearrangement, and I added two songs: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, and Everything is Wrong by Interpol. The prior is now the start of the playlist. I've wanted to put Here Without You on the list for a long time. However, I chose to wait until this line was true: A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. It's actually only been a bit over 90 days, but the disappointment in realizing that it's almost been 100 days hit me hard and I just had to add it. Besides, that line will be true very soon (sadly).

The other song I've been neglecting to add for a while now. Right now, I don't feel that absolutely everything is wrong. However, that's certainly how I've felt for a long time. I certainly still do feel the lyrics. I doubt that you can relate, but I hope that you can enjoy it.

Again, there is a particular order to the playlist. I'll give one factor away: the songs at the top up to and including Sanctuary are songs I relate most to at the moment. The one that starts the playlist is pretty much a summary of my current feelings regarding you and my situation. Looking at my recent messages, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I chose Here Without You to be the starting song.

I truly wonder when these sounds will reach your ears. I don't know what to think if they already have.

Anything, anything

Is something wrong with me?

I really wish I knew.

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Anything, Anything as written by John Easdale and as performed by the band Dramarama.

Anything, everything, nothing

I was all you needed
when you just wanted anything.

You begged me to stay
as I threw away everything.

I left you with better
and to you I became nothing.

Not bragging about new partners

At the beginning of the year, I got a girlfriend to replace you. Except she couldn't. She lied about her age twice, kept me a secret from her family, and even had another boyfriend, so I dumped her. Sure, I loved her and my relationship with her felt special, but that couldn't nearly negate the lies. I can't remember right now how long it had lasted. I remember I told you when she and I first got together, and I told you about the breakup while you were showering.

So, I'm at it again, but I've learned from mistakes. First of all, I'm not thinking of my new partner as a replacement for you. What I have with this person is its own thing. I am preserving the mission of learning to have a healthy relationship. Despite that, ever since you my relationships have escalated pretty quickly. Maybe that's thanks to you, actually; we unlocked each others' confidence, so I'm probably being more attractive by being more confident. I think that this partner is honest; there's a few things, particularly age, that could have been lied about but weren't. I'm missing some considerably important information about this person, but I don't find it crucial.

I hope that this lasts a while. It seems like it will, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some things. Actually, that's even better; having a healthy relationship includes managing disagreements in a healthy way. I think I've already mentioned that my partner is super attentive, like you were. I'm sure this person would spend every moment with me if possible. Not sure if my computer would get hogged again. Probably. Ah well.

This relationship might sound like replacement or like mere practice, but I again don't consider it that way. I love this person, I would be involved if I didn't. Of course I'm learning with this, like we should from life. It might end up being practice for another. This person and I might end up together until the end. There's no telling the future. At this time, I don't want to think about the future; there's too many possibilities to consider, and I want to focus on what I've got now. And I've got to go forward continuing to learn.

I can live without you

Turns out I can live without you, does not mean, I feel better without you.

Sad city

Sitting, rummaging through thought,
calling for words to come, and they take their time.
Or maybe they see my wishes all rot,
and most disappear, still I've got
some message with feeling in its chime.

It isn't so easy to make it known
when that's just what built the downward spiral.
Yet to keep inside this shit that I own
will make me believe that I'm all alone.
Let the cards drop, don't bother holding them all.

Though I'm coming back, they are still there:
the doubt, the regret, and still not you.
I should laugh just to take in air.
I'm so grateful to be given any care.
Still, I don't know what I'm walking to.

I can only guess at what you wanted,
how I should end up, and some guesses aren't pretty.
How the fuck would thoughts that only daunted
be a better companion on the road that haunted
this mind, this ghost town, this sad city?

Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.

Forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

A life forming again

Since my little freakout a few weeks ago about normalcy, I've bounced back better. I'm trying to get out and do more things that, well, I would do, as I would do them. I've got plans for next weekend to meet up with friends. I'm wearing clothes that I wanna wear, in part thanks to fitting into old jeans and in part thanks to buying fabulous tees. I'm doing some roleplay, keeping my heart open. Things feel pretty good.

There's this nagging feeling of somberness that come into my consciousness sometimes. I don't think I need to be afraid that it means something, though. This time around, I'll simply acknowledge it. Yeah, I'm not perfectly okay. I'll tell someone about it, otherwise I've got Tell Her Before I Die to talk about it. It's not something that's necessary to work around, though. I don't really have to go out of my way and take action in regards to that feeling. Just this paragraph is enough for today.

I'm starting to watch YouTube videos again. And one of our favorite YouTubers has started posting again, since last week. Daily videos, 20 minutes each, too! I honestly didn't expect that, so I've missed a lot of content now. That YouTuber personally welcomed me back to the channel when I commented. That fanbase feels kinda homely, you know? I think participating more over there could do me some good.

I'm trying my best not to make the same mistakes I made when we broke up. First and foremost, I'm not working against my feelings for you. There's no elation of, "Hey, I'm single, so now I can do whatever I want!" I'm not doing things to fill in a hole. This time, I'm working with my feelings. I'm building myself back up for when you come back. In addition, I'm not doing these things to distract myself from you, like I did when my depression was deepest. I'm actually doing something now, really working for tomorrow.

And, of course, there's that person that I'm interested in. On top of the schedule that's come together for me, I'm now trying to put effort toward that relationship. This person is as clingy as you, I swear, which is a thing that I admire. I don't know how clingy you'll still be during the time we're just friends again, but I'm sure being with this person will be good repreparation. Thing is, we haven't officially agreed on an elevated relationship status. You could call what we have right now a friendship with obvious mutual attraction. If we do decide to be partners, I imagine this person will become even clingier?

Dunno, I'll have to wait and see. That stands true for many things.

Looking for love

I decided a while ago to get better for when I see you again. Since I've gotten this far, I'm trying to find another partner. The person I'm interested in now isn't somebody that you know. Well, I kind of hope that you don't know this person. Maybe a streak of only two people isn't enough to confirm it, but you seem to ruin my advances. Anyway, like I said, my life is pretty stable so I'm considering the next goal: a healthy relationship.

There's one obvious problem: I still love you. It's a love that doesn't fade. You're a memory that can't be forgotten. That should be a turnoff for anyone checking me out. There's quite a few pages of discouragement that Tell Her Before I Die has to offer. But I've got attractive and admirable qualities, and I know someone could love them more than my hopeless attachment can deter. It's happened before, actually.

Honestly, what's kept me from giving my heart to others has been my concern for them. Gaping crevices were carved into my heart, the edges of each laceration being brutally sharp; I couldn't bring myself to let it cut into the palms of someone trying to hold it. I was too damaged to let myself be loved like that. However, I think those edges have softened and the gorges have closed considerably. As before, my love for one person doesn't diminish my love for another. So, now that I've healed this much, even though I love you so much, I can find love in someone else. Especially who's actually there for me.

It'd be the best for both of us if someone replaced you, but I'm not expecting that. And whoever I'm with isn't a filler, either. You've taught me that any romantic relationship should be treated as between only two people. My feelings for you aren't going to have anything to do with my feelings for anyone else. My feelings for anyone else aren't going to have anything to do with you. All those feelings will be there, though.

I won't stop writing to you. There's so many thoughts that I'll continue to want you to know. I don't know whether to feel sorry for someone who still wants me with all of that, or to simply be very grateful. I think I'll be selfish and grateful. I need a bit more selfishness. A new love would be nice.

Your solution

Your solution to my distress:

is a huge blank that you left

I can't make you fill it in

I can only ask you to look at it

Noise for work

I think my school is a bit noisy. There are few walls to dampen conversations and the ventilation whirs up occasionally. A friend of mine disagrees though. He says that the school is too quiet, at least for him to work. He prefers his home, because apparently he's more comfortable with the racket his family makes. Nighttime at his house is too quiet for him to work, too. When it's too quiet, he gets writers' block.

I brought you up when he mentioned this. When it's too quiet, you start thinking about other things and those thoughts distract you from work, I told him. He didn't really say whether that's his issue or not. Another little parallel is that he is a Marine. I didn't bother to bring that up. Besides, you're only in the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps to show that you have discipline and to get away from regular PE kids.

I could ask whether he goes to sleep with a radio or TV on, but that's a little bit creepy to ask. He's a guy who's slightly wider-eyed, talks with a bit more pep. I think that alone suggests that his reasons for avoiding quiet while working are different than yours. I suppose that if you're a flame then he's more of an electric current. And, of course, I'm water. I appreciate the rushing of waterfalls and crashing of waves as intense background noise. Well, not so literally. I listen to composed music, not nature sounds. I don't think any of the three of us listen to nature tracks regularly.

Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do in order to get through schoolwork.

A clouded night

Halfway through the year
and I'm still not over you.
I still don't feel all better
and this just doesn't feel right.

Halfway through the year
and I see you're not with me.
Seems that I wasn't worth it
because you're nowhere in sight.

Start of a new month
but hardly a new beginning.
It's the same storm swirling
but it's not winning this fight.

Start of a new month
but I feel old and battered.
There's so much more to live through
because you are still my light.

A distant star. A clouded night.

Fear in okay

I'm cautious when I say that I'm okay, for two reasons. One reason is that I don't want to deceive people who would like to listen. If I don't actually feel well, those people who are bothering to understand should be given the truth. The other reason is that I don't want to deceive myself. Even if I do feel okay, I don't want to say it and then think that I can do without things that have helped me.

Yesterday, I wrote that I'm okay. While I think that still stands, I must admit that I don't feel as okay today. Maybe I see that statement as a relatively long-term consideration, reaching back into the recent past and extending into the near future. If I say that I'm okay, I believe that I've been okay, and I expect to continue being okay.

I'm not particularly worried about how I feel right now. I just had a few suicidal thoughts today. They weren't too intense. I didn't seriously consider them. Nothing happened today that should have triggered those thoughts, but there doesn't really have to be justification. Still, perhaps the justification is that those thoughts serve as reminders to take care of myself, after my declaration yesterday. Reminders that I can't get ahead of myself, or those sorts of thoughts may become more of an issue. That's all.

However, I'm still confident that I'm okay. I hope that doesn't change, but I will stay alert. For the most part, I've gone through this all hoping that I'll at least be just as well the next day. I seem to have passed that uncomfortable state I was in a month ago. I'm relieved and satisfied about that.

Move on is the wrong advice

That's what I've learned from all of this. It is hardly ever right to just move on. Maybe it's best to define what I think moving on means. I think it's leaving behind, moving away, forgetting, detaching. However, the fact is that nobody can truly move on from their past or their present. They can lie about it, but that doesn't change it. Maybe people can move on from their future. Perhaps that's the only type of moving on that I accept, because the future is prone to change.

I'm not sure that things necessarily happen for a reason. That doesn't mean that we should assume that events are meaningless or simply take them as tragedies. Life may be a big, written, sectioned, timed test. The best strategy is to first try to answer the question; if that takes too long, come back to it later. Other questions may even help reveal the answer to the one you've set aside. There are some questions that won't be given until you're given the next section. Try to answer all the questions in a section before you're handed the next, or the incomplete answers will pile up. As later questions can help to answer prior ones, prior questions often build up to later answers; don't assume that all answers will simply come in time.

I feel like that metaphor is more complicated than what I actually tried to get across. Instead of moving on from an event that you consider to be an issue, try to find the lessons in and solution to it. If you can't see the solutions now, set the issue aside but do not forget it. Consider the issue regularly, but not incessantly. There are other events that you need to tend to daily. Even if you've come to a conclusion, don't be afraid to reevaluate and reaffirm it. It is not a bad thing to think, especially with a wonderful mind like yours.

The biggest difference between life and a written test is that your answers to events in life, or lack thereof, affect other lives. When my answer was, "End it with her, because she's not loyal enough," it changed your life. When your answer was, "Don't stay by him, because he's making me worse," it changed my life. Learning from life takes a lot of effort. Resolving issues takes a lot of effort. Moving on can take effort, but without teaching nor resolving. It's a waste, leaving useless blanks.

Your solution to my distress is a huge blank that you left. I can't make you fill it in. I can only ask you to look at it.

I'm okay

When I was in high school, somebody came to me and asked, "Why are you always smiling?" I blinked and said I didn't know. I often saw a boy on campus who was always frowning. I wondered to myself, "What's he always frowning about?" I never talked to him, though. I figured it wasn't my business.

When I first took the plunge into depression, I stopped smiling. I wasn't comfortable with them anymore. I felt like every smile I gave was too ingenuine to exist. And I did fake many, many smiles. When I was being genuine, I was always frowning. I only felt comfortable while frowning. That must be the answer for those questions asked years ago. Why was I always smiling? Because that's what I felt comfortable with. Why was he always frowning? Because that's what he felt comfortable with. Those were our genuine expressions.

Saying that I was okay or fine was always a lie. I was afraid of lies. Even when I was faking a smile, I usually couldn't bring myself to say that I was fine or okay. I'd be very vague, even preferring other lies. "You know," I'd say to friends who I knew had no idea. There came a time when that passed, when I let myself handle the big lie.

However, I feel that saying that I'm okay is not so deceitful anymore. I can often say it and mean it. I can also truthfully say that I'm not okay. I know that I'm still not where I was when we were together. I don't expect to be that okay without you. I'm relieved that I am some part okay, though, and that part is big enough that saying so doesn't feel like a lie. I'm glad that my smiles feel genuine too, because I can be happy. It doesn't matter that my private frowns still ring true.

When I'm not paying attention, I still don't smile. However, I don't frown as severely as I used to. You can say that my expression is often neutral, even. Is such unhappiness the reason other people don't idly smile? Is it a part of life, inevitable even, to experience emotional trauma? Even as I regret losing you, I end up being thankful for this experience. I understand something entirely different. You can even say that I'm a person now. If I could change the past, I would still change it. Since what happened has happened, though, I have only our future to look toward. I will try to use everything I've learned.

Accidentally long shower

You know I take long baths. That's especially true when you're with me. Sorry, showers. You get mildly annoyed when I call it a bath. But yeah, I went in this evening around 9:00 and spent an hour and a half cleaning up. Forget climate change, I'm probably the main cause of the state drought.

Of course, you're not the only reason that I take long showers. That has been a habit of mine since long before I met you. Another reason today was because of my hair. For years I'd just let loose hair come out in the shower and down the drain, then be surprised and annoyed when the drain clogged. You taught me to stick the loose hair on the wall to dispose of later. Thoroughly removing my loose hair can take a while some days. You didn't have that problem because your hair is actually shorter than mine.

Since you don't have the aversion to loose hair that I do, you'd ball up our hair in your hand right after we showered. I used to use a paper towel to collect the hair. Wasteful, but that's how I felt comfortable doing it. Now I wait until the hair has dried and just wipe if off the wall into my hand.

I was also thinking. I was thinking about what I really wanted to say tonight, and how to say it. I did come up with a few topics, but as usual I don't know how to word most of them. Brainstorming was one of the main reasons I decided to step into the water now instead of midnight, actually. I probably should have taken an actual bath, for water efficiency. I do feel a bit bad about an hour and a half of wasted water. I didn't expect to take quite that long, though.

So, in a way, you can say that you're still a reason for me to take long showers. I wonder if you'll mind showering together when we're friends again? After we broke up, you once had me stay in your bathroom while you showered so we could chat, even undressing in front of me. Your reasoning was that I've done more than just see that body so there was nothing to hide. I love the way you think.

I wonder how reading this will make you feel. There isn't a particular way that I want you to feel about my little shower stories. There isn't a reason to write about this to begin with, but I don't see a good reason not to. Something brought you to this sentence, at any rate. If you bothered to read this, I'm sure you'll bother to read another message.

Both weakness and strength

Weak, to avoid death.
Strong, to embrace life.
Each at their own time,
in their rightful place.