Happy birthday to you

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Make a wish and blow out the candle!

Left you with love

I knew that you'd be okay because I left you with love.

At least you were there

If you'd abandoned me
right away,

I probably wouldn't be
here today.

I let my frailty take the wheel

But maybe I'm a little bit weak.
I let my frailty take the wheel.

She said,
"Maybe there's a better me waiting for a better you, baby."

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Middle of Nowhere as performed by the band Hot Hot Heat.

Not so bad for overcast

I haven't come down from feeling good. That's sure saying something, because normally having a blanket of light grey over my sun really bums me out! By normally, I mean before-all-this-shit normally. I'm really saying something here. I'm really satisfied with how I'm feeling.

Can't help but wonder if there's more to it than, "I just feel good." Not some ulterior motive, no, but some catalyst. Maybe all the good stuff in my life is finally having some effect on me. I mean, count it up: romance, friends, school, home, food, health, music. Yeah, I'm thinking even the music I've discovered lately has boosted my mood. I was thinking before that I just appreciate those things more now because I'm feeling better. Perhaps it's the other way around and those things are what helped me to finally feel better. After all, holding onto something meaningful that hasn't been here has dragged me through, so why shouldn't lots of things that are right around me help to push?

That sort of wondering doesn't hurt, but I wonder if it's not worth thought anyway. As with those days during depression when I'd inexplicably feel better for a run, should I just take it without questioning? For those days, the questioning was paranoia. For these days, the questioning is simply curiosity. Yet would it be better to redirect the little bit of effort away from wonder and toward enjoyment? My answer is yeah. If I have to ask about it, I can always do it here, with you.

Again extraordinary

Remember I used to talk about having extraordinary days? Those sorts of days are now very common for me, while bad days are not so common. The good days were always underlined with doubt and paranoia, but they were certainly better than the regular stream of depression. The only problem with having that every day is that the underline becomes more pronounced and frustrating, as I've mentioned recently.

Today was actually really great. I didn't feel doubtful or paranoid or frustrated. I laughed and didn't second-guess how genuine it was. I laughed easily, but I could tell that it was because I was giddy and not because I felt helpless. Do you know how great that difference in feeling is? It's fantastic.

Many days I feel okay I wonder, "How long is this going to last?" Today, no such concern. My only consideration is that I should keep helping myself, as always. My experience has made me pretty sensitive to how easy it is to neglect myself. It's easier to take care when I've already formed the habits to take care of myself, though. All things considered, no downsides!

I was singing a lot today too. On my way home, I sang along to a song I just freakin' love. It's so ridiculously upbeat, somewhat silly, just great! Maybe you've heard it? Here, courtesy video.

But yeah, totally jamming out to that in the car. Do you like it? ^.^ Gotta say the line that caught me was, The songs on the radio are okay... but my taste in music is your face! Hearing that line for the first time was what started me listening to the rest of the lyrics.

So, yeah, good day! And I think I post so many music videos on here that it deserves its own tag. On that now! I hope that this whole time you've been as well as I've been today. =3

I seem normal

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who see me.
I do what I need to do.
I carry on like the rest.
I keep my chin up.
But what are they seeing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who hear me.
I smile and laugh.
I give sympathies and advice.
I chat happily about little things.
But what are they hearing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who ask me.
I shrug, "I'm fine."
I nod, "Things are great."
I grin, "Thanks for asking."
But what are they asking?

Am I normal yet?
Now ask the ones who feel me.
No?
Then why would I act so?
And what could be wrong?
But I believe you know.

Do I seem normal yet?
I want to be normal enough.

I'm well but frustrated

Things are going well for me. I'm doing schoolwork as needed. I've got plans for this weekend with friends. Got a partner who seems pretty obsessed with me. I have all the necessities and I'm taking care of myself. I'm continuing to handle my situation safely, and that's really important. These may be things a normal person should manage with ease, but it feels like a lot to me. Thus, I feel fine in patting myself on the back.

Yet I'm frustrated. Being okay doesn't feel worth it. I can't see myself getting closer to my goal, to seeing you again. Now that I don't have death and poor life management to be as concerned about, I'm beginning to ask myself, "If she's not even looking, why would she come back?" The obvious answer is to visit you and show you that I'm okay. Best case scenario, you smile and accept that. But what if you still are unwell? I have no idea if you've gotten better yet. I have no idea if you'll ever get better on your own, especially because of the people who led us into this. That's why I'm frustrated; the safest answer is to wait for you to come to me, but you may never come.

This recovery is happening through weakness and strength. I use strength to improve myself. I employ weakness to wait out dangerous urges. Seeing you is dangerous because it could send you into a needless panic. That's what happened the last time I tried to visit you. That's what you showed when you walked into the courthouse. That's all I'm able to go off of. I don't know anything else, because you aren't letting me know anything.

I will just stay weak to keep from causing you trouble. I will stay strong to keep striding away from depression. However, I have to admit that, when I said I would do this for years or decades, I didn't realize how slowly and painfully time would pass in just these past months.

Playlist updates

I updated my YouTube playlist earlier, the one titled They Sing The Words I Couldn't Find. I did some rearrangement, and I added two songs: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, and Everything is Wrong by Interpol. The prior is now the start of the playlist. I've wanted to put Here Without You on the list for a long time. However, I chose to wait until this line was true: A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. It's actually only been a bit over 90 days, but the disappointment in realizing that it's almost been 100 days hit me hard and I just had to add it. Besides, that line will be true very soon (sadly).

The other song I've been neglecting to add for a while now. Right now, I don't feel that absolutely everything is wrong. However, that's certainly how I've felt for a long time. I certainly still do feel the lyrics. I doubt that you can relate, but I hope that you can enjoy it.

Again, there is a particular order to the playlist. I'll give one factor away: the songs at the top up to and including Sanctuary are songs I relate most to at the moment. The one that starts the playlist is pretty much a summary of my current feelings regarding you and my situation. Looking at my recent messages, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I chose Here Without You to be the starting song.

I truly wonder when these sounds will reach your ears. I don't know what to think if they already have.

Anything, anything

Is something wrong with me?

I really wish I knew.

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Anything, Anything as written by John Easdale and as performed by the band Dramarama.

Anything, everything, nothing

I was all you needed
when you just wanted anything.

You begged me to stay
as I threw away everything.

I left you with better
and to you I became nothing.

Not bragging about new partners

At the beginning of the year, I got a girlfriend to replace you. Except she couldn't. She lied about her age twice, kept me a secret from her family, and even had another boyfriend, so I dumped her. Sure, I loved her and my relationship with her felt special, but that couldn't nearly negate the lies. I can't remember right now how long it had lasted. I remember I told you when she and I first got together, and I told you about the breakup while you were showering.

So, I'm at it again, but I've learned from mistakes. First of all, I'm not thinking of my new partner as a replacement for you. What I have with this person is its own thing. I am preserving the mission of learning to have a healthy relationship. Despite that, ever since you my relationships have escalated pretty quickly. Maybe that's thanks to you, actually; we unlocked each others' confidence, so I'm probably being more attractive by being more confident. I think that this partner is honest; there's a few things, particularly age, that could have been lied about but weren't. I'm missing some considerably important information about this person, but I don't find it crucial.

I hope that this lasts a while. It seems like it will, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some things. Actually, that's even better; having a healthy relationship includes managing disagreements in a healthy way. I think I've already mentioned that my partner is super attentive, like you were. I'm sure this person would spend every moment with me if possible. Not sure if my computer would get hogged again. Probably. Ah well.

This relationship might sound like replacement or like mere practice, but I again don't consider it that way. I love this person, I would be involved if I didn't. Of course I'm learning with this, like we should from life. It might end up being practice for another. This person and I might end up together until the end. There's no telling the future. At this time, I don't want to think about the future; there's too many possibilities to consider, and I want to focus on what I've got now. And I've got to go forward continuing to learn.

I can live without you

Turns out I can live without you, does not mean, I feel better without you.

Sad city

Sitting, rummaging through thought,
calling for words to come, and they take their time.
Or maybe they see my wishes all rot,
and most disappear, still I've got
some message with feeling in its chime.

It isn't so easy to make it known
when that's just what built the downward spiral.
Yet to keep inside this shit that I own
will make me believe that I'm all alone.
Let the cards drop, don't bother holding them all.

Though I'm coming back, they are still there:
the doubt, the regret, and still not you.
I should laugh just to take in air.
I'm so grateful to be given any care.
Still, I don't know what I'm walking to.

I can only guess at what you wanted,
how I should end up, and some guesses aren't pretty.
How the fuck would thoughts that only daunted
be a better companion on the road that haunted
this mind, this ghost town, this sad city?

Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.

Forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

A life forming again

Since my little freakout a few weeks ago about normalcy, I've bounced back better. I'm trying to get out and do more things that, well, I would do, as I would do them. I've got plans for next weekend to meet up with friends. I'm wearing clothes that I wanna wear, in part thanks to fitting into old jeans and in part thanks to buying fabulous tees. I'm doing some roleplay, keeping my heart open. Things feel pretty good.

There's this nagging feeling of somberness that come into my consciousness sometimes. I don't think I need to be afraid that it means something, though. This time around, I'll simply acknowledge it. Yeah, I'm not perfectly okay. I'll tell someone about it, otherwise I've got Tell Her Before I Die to talk about it. It's not something that's necessary to work around, though. I don't really have to go out of my way and take action in regards to that feeling. Just this paragraph is enough for today.

I'm starting to watch YouTube videos again. And one of our favorite YouTubers has started posting again, since last week. Daily videos, 20 minutes each, too! I honestly didn't expect that, so I've missed a lot of content now. That YouTuber personally welcomed me back to the channel when I commented. That fanbase feels kinda homely, you know? I think participating more over there could do me some good.

I'm trying my best not to make the same mistakes I made when we broke up. First and foremost, I'm not working against my feelings for you. There's no elation of, "Hey, I'm single, so now I can do whatever I want!" I'm not doing things to fill in a hole. This time, I'm working with my feelings. I'm building myself back up for when you come back. In addition, I'm not doing these things to distract myself from you, like I did when my depression was deepest. I'm actually doing something now, really working for tomorrow.

And, of course, there's that person that I'm interested in. On top of the schedule that's come together for me, I'm now trying to put effort toward that relationship. This person is as clingy as you, I swear, which is a thing that I admire. I don't know how clingy you'll still be during the time we're just friends again, but I'm sure being with this person will be good repreparation. Thing is, we haven't officially agreed on an elevated relationship status. You could call what we have right now a friendship with obvious mutual attraction. If we do decide to be partners, I imagine this person will become even clingier?

Dunno, I'll have to wait and see. That stands true for many things.

Looking for love

I decided a while ago to get better for when I see you again. Since I've gotten this far, I'm trying to find another partner. The person I'm interested in now isn't somebody that you know. Well, I kind of hope that you don't know this person. Maybe a streak of only two people isn't enough to confirm it, but you seem to ruin my advances. Anyway, like I said, my life is pretty stable so I'm considering the next goal: a healthy relationship.

There's one obvious problem: I still love you. It's a love that doesn't fade. You're a memory that can't be forgotten. That should be a turnoff for anyone checking me out. There's quite a few pages of discouragement that Tell Her Before I Die has to offer. But I've got attractive and admirable qualities, and I know someone could love them more than my hopeless attachment can deter. It's happened before, actually.

Honestly, what's kept me from giving my heart to others has been my concern for them. Gaping crevices were carved into my heart, the edges of each laceration being brutally sharp; I couldn't bring myself to let it cut into the palms of someone trying to hold it. I was too damaged to let myself be loved like that. However, I think those edges have softened and the gorges have closed considerably. As before, my love for one person doesn't diminish my love for another. So, now that I've healed this much, even though I love you so much, I can find love in someone else. Especially who's actually there for me.

It'd be the best for both of us if someone replaced you, but I'm not expecting that. And whoever I'm with isn't a filler, either. You've taught me that any romantic relationship should be treated as between only two people. My feelings for you aren't going to have anything to do with my feelings for anyone else. My feelings for anyone else aren't going to have anything to do with you. All those feelings will be there, though.

I won't stop writing to you. There's so many thoughts that I'll continue to want you to know. I don't know whether to feel sorry for someone who still wants me with all of that, or to simply be very grateful. I think I'll be selfish and grateful. I need a bit more selfishness. A new love would be nice.

Your solution

Your solution to my distress:

is a huge blank that you left

I can't make you fill it in

I can only ask you to look at it

Noise for work

I think my school is a bit noisy. There are few walls to dampen conversations and the ventilation whirs up occasionally. A friend of mine disagrees though. He says that the school is too quiet, at least for him to work. He prefers his home, because apparently he's more comfortable with the racket his family makes. Nighttime at his house is too quiet for him to work, too. When it's too quiet, he gets writers' block.

I brought you up when he mentioned this. When it's too quiet, you start thinking about other things and those thoughts distract you from work, I told him. He didn't really say whether that's his issue or not. Another little parallel is that he is a Marine. I didn't bother to bring that up. Besides, you're only in the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps to show that you have discipline and to get away from regular PE kids.

I could ask whether he goes to sleep with a radio or TV on, but that's a little bit creepy to ask. He's a guy who's slightly wider-eyed, talks with a bit more pep. I think that alone suggests that his reasons for avoiding quiet while working are different than yours. I suppose that if you're a flame then he's more of an electric current. And, of course, I'm water. I appreciate the rushing of waterfalls and crashing of waves as intense background noise. Well, not so literally. I listen to composed music, not nature sounds. I don't think any of the three of us listen to nature tracks regularly.

Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do in order to get through schoolwork.