Loathing to my name

There's a girl who held my heart
Who swore with me we'd never part
But when my heart came tumbling down
She couldn't take it off the ground

So I had to grow again
Having lost my closest friend
With time and distance came regret
Replaced her thoughts of when we'd met

To fill the void, the demons came
To sew on loathing to my name
Close her ears to cherished past
All to let the poor girl last

Satan, Satan, let her go
The wrath in her will be no mo'
Knots of hatred will unfurl
Freedom for our little girl

God will let her feel the love
And smile 'cause she's done enough
A pretty smile that keeps me on
Been keeping me since she was gone

Thanks

Today was Thanksgiving. I heard you came into town to celebrate it. I made plans to visit my cousins out of town, and so there I am. I'm having a nice time here. I hope that you are doing well yourself.

There are many things that I want to talk about, while I'm talking here. I won't talk about them, though. I have one very important thing to state, in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for the time that you spent with me. When we were only friends, when we were a couple, when I tried to distance myself, and when I came to you for help. Thinking about it, all that time has culminated in me as the strength to recover. I feel that those days you stayed by me when I did nothing but emotionally drain you forged that strength into this will to keep going. The desire to live, to improve, and to hope... thank you for this.

I am always thankful for you. Today is just a good day to say it.

The moon wasn't so beautiful

I looked at the moon tonight. Supermoon lunar eclipse, won't happen like this again until 2033, all that. I walked out of the house and to the sidewalk to give it a look. It just didn't touch me. It doesn't feel like something I should care about at all. Despite that, I just kept staring at it. I kept looking out at the red rock. I barely looked away.

I wasn't really watching the moon. I was watching my memories. I was reminiscing on the time that we saw our lunar eclipse. Really, it was less looking back as it was letting those feelings I experienced with you return to me. My eyes remained fixated on the moon, while my heart went out to you. My skin against the cool night air felt instead the biting chill as I held you in the early morning. I stared at the moon as if it would soon understand what I need, as if that would bring you here. I let tears roll down my cheeks as if nobody could see me.

The moon tonight really wasn't so breathtaking. The only beautiful thing tonight, somehow, was you. Even after so much and so long, it was only you.

I've had this song in my playlist for a while now. Before I decided to let the moon be, I played it while I gazed at the sky.

Our day

If I hadn't broken up with you, today would have been our fourth anniversary. I'm not going to fantasize about what that would have been like. I didn't do anything special without you. I'm not going to write about the events leading up to my shyly asking you to the homecoming dance, which you immediately accepted. Even though keeping those memories makes me smile.

All that I want to say is that today I made an extra effort to be happy. For me, this is still our day. I can't let myself be sad that you aren't here. I can't let myself regret being unable to talk to you. The least I owe you and myself is to be happy on our day. This is one day of the year that we always celebrated our love, so this is the day that I need to recall even more that I'm still going because of that love. Today was never really about the passage of time. It's about looking forward to our future.

So, I did my best to be satisfied with what I have and with what you've helped me to hold on to. I can only hope that you had a good day yourself. Not just an alright day like I want all of your days to be at the least, but a day that was undeniably satisfying and made you smile. I hope that today you're looking forward to tomorrow, and that you sleep happily, feeling loved. You always are loved.

Let's keep going for love.

Descending a cliffside

What has helped me to get better is having the purpose of becoming better for you. I've wanted to become normal and more stable so that you'd feel that it's safe to come back. It's been like a path through these times. I walked and progressed along the trail, telling myself that everything must get better as I got better. It didn't matter just how much I could fix myself without you, as long as I kept going. Step after step, month after month, I have gotten much further than I imagined I would. Since meaning started seeping back into the world, the journey hasn't been lonely; many people have cheered me on and even walked with me along the way.

But I came across the end of that path. I feel that this is the best that I can get. That's alright. The path led me to the edge of a cliff, and I looked around to see where I needed to go next. This is when I saw that nothing had gotten better. Yes, I got better, but nothing aside from me had improved. There wasn't anywhere else to go, yet what I strived for wasn't there; you were still distant. There was this edge, and I looked over it, down the cliffside.

I knelt at the edge, and I said, "I won't die." I felt for footholds along the cliff's face. I found what I needed and swung my leg over, begginning to climb down. I am crawling down this cliff, but neither is there clear way down nor any way to tell how much I need to scale. I am desperately trying to find somewhere to plant my foot, knowing that I must proceed but having no idea how. I don't know what I'm doing, only why I'm doing it. It's so scary. I don't want to slip. I'm so scared.

Just as before, it isn't lonely. I'm being cheered and supported by wonderful people. But few feel that they can do anything to really help my situation; that is, to help us. I want people to help, dammit, not just cheer. There isn't a thing I can do toward that end, though. I don't know what to do, and I am so scared.

Chlorine

My mom is recovering from a shoulder surgery. She's going to physical therapy regularly, but I thought it would additionally be smart to get her into the water. Not just smart, but also fun, of course! We went to a community pool the weekend before last, planned to this past weekend but were rained out, and went today. It's proven to be a good idea after all!

My brother's swimming skill has diminished, though. He's still alright. What baffles me is that he can't swim to one end of the pool and back. He can run tons more than I can without running out of breath, but he has much less stamina in the water. One issue we resolved was that his armstrokes were too fast; when he slowed them down, he didn't have to hesitate to breathe, seamlessly breathing in the 4th stroke of each few. Next, I just think he's become uncomfortable with swimming. That uses up more oxygen, did you know that? Staying completely calm and still - the dead man's float - is the best way to conserve oxygen, but that's obviously not an option when you're swimming. Anyway, he just needs to rebuild the comfort to swim so that he can make use of his true endurance.

My mom has quickly been regaining strength in her left arm, the one that was operated on. She wasn't moving it much when we went to the pool the first time. She was able to move it a lot underwater though, of course. Being able to move it so much underwater probably encouraged her to move it more while on land, really, and that's probably what's led to her current strength. I nearly forget sometimes that her arm was injured. Except when I'm going in for a hug, because I screwed up and put pressure on her arm when she first got all the gauze off. Yeah, I got cussed and yelled at. I'm kinda glad you haven't around to make that mistake yourself, given how intimidated you are by my mom already.

The other week at the pool I didn't long for you too much, really. I was occupied enough by swimming around, monitoring my mom, and jumping off the diving board. I had also been in quite high spirits. Lately, I've been much more melancholy. Enough to feel bad, not enough to have too much of an impact on my normalcy. It was enough for me to bug my friends about it, not hide it from my family, and of course now to write a message. For a while, I floated in the water just remembering how we played in the pool. You being my fox leech and all, heehee. Wrapping your arms around my neck as I made futile, though usually half-assed, efforts to shake you off. I wanted that again, even without the sweet kisses you'd give me when I gave up. I was cheered up by a rousing game of tag with my brother. My mom wouldn't participate, so she became the base, offering immunity to tags and freezing the It person for a few seconds. It would have been even more fun with a third person, namely you, involved.

I'd include that cute photo of you rising along the wall from the depths of your pool, drenched hair concealing your face down to your lips, but I still want to keep the spirit of anonymity on Tell Her Before I Die. Given that you've put your pretty picture online recently, though, I think I'll post that image on my G+. Just tell me if you want me to take it down for some reason~ ^.^ Well, take care of yourself. Nothing for me to do but just keep swimming. I hope you're feeling well.

A dream that you held me

Last night I had a dream. I hardly remember what the dream was about or the places it occurred. All I remember is that, at various points in the dream, you came up behind me and hugged me. Not just a hug, really. You held me for minutes at a time. It felt so very nice.

In my dreams, I don't talk to you or meet your gaze. I try to pretend that you aren't there, because I don't want to reach out and unsettle you. Even when you talk to me or touch me, I stay quiet and avert my eyes. I've told myself that I would do this if I did run into you. I guess if I'm doing it in my dreams then I would successfully do it in life.

Despite that effort, though, I can't help the ways you make me feel happy in those dreams. I can't help laughing at the jokes you make, or smiling at the things you do. After some number of seconds sitting in a chair, you standing and holding me from behind, and having the biggest grin on my face, of course I couldn't help but rest my head back against you.

Could you make this dream come true soon? Honestly, it's the best one I've had in your stead.

Not so much writing anymore

I had a chat with a friend of yours recently. Well, she had a chat with me. She didn't say very much. She said that your issues are not being worked through, which is sadly not a surprise. You know about Tell Her Before I Die, but you haven't really read it. You want me to stop writing this. I understand.

These messages have brought me through the worst months of my entire life. They represented my hope when I was lost within depression, when I had no idea what was going on or why. They have helped me to think about and understand myself and what has happened to me. They've allowed me to let caring people know just how I actually am, and those supporters have helped to get me through this. As I recovered, their help became more effective.

I needed to write these messages. They kept me alive and made me well. However, lately I've been inconsistent with writing. I thought this was a bad thing, but perhaps it simply is a symptom of the transition in my state of mind. I'm not near the fringe of death anymore. I'm not overwhelmed by thinking a few months into the future. Sometimes when I write now I can't help but feel like shit that you haven't read to try to understand. That wasn't something that bothered me in the throes of depression. I just held on and hoped you'd read eventually, as the title of this collection suggests.

You're not going to try to understand just yet. According to your friend, to you this blog is nothing more than a creepy display of obsession. Does that hurt me? Not exactly, because I think that ignorance is hard to break from, especially when you're surrounded by it. But I cannot dismiss your feelings, even if they're based on blindness. While I'm too afraid of regression to cease my writing altogether, I will stop writing regularly. Not writing may slow down my recovery, but I'm comfortable enough with where I am to sacrifice my recovery for your own. Besides, it's pointless for me to get better if you won't.

I'll still write occasionally. Expect a message on holidays. I'll likely continue to think of you on my outings, so I'll probably come home and write about them. Some days I'll feel like art or poetry or recommending some TV show I just watched. The point is, some days I'll just need to write. When I need to write, I won't hesitate to do it. Just as my recovery means nothing without yours, the vice verse applies.

Dear, I am scared. I have been scared all of these months, in different ways and for different reasons. You're scared. We can get better though, and that's what I will work toward. You inspire me to improve myself as much as I can in your absence. I pray that you find a reason to get better as well. All I can do is stay weak and pray for you.

Importance

One of the ways that I can define my experience is by what I saw importance in. At first, I only saw importance in our relationship. Later, I saw importance in your happiness. As I recovered, the people around me became more important. At this point, I'm finding myself to be important again. I want to explain all that.

The first night that I told you that I should just die. I felt that, without having my love for you returned, there wasn't any meaning for me or in anything. I only wanted to get back the future that we had going for us before. I wanted us to be as close as we could be, and I thought that meant as close as we'd ever been. You said we were best friends, and I tried to grip that as well as I could. But I still didn't feel that it was enough.

On that Monday, we texted. I cried about how I didn't think I could take it, how I still wanted to die. There was nothing left to say about that, so I changed the subject. Monty Oum had just died, and so I shared the news with you and mourned a bit. This was the point at which I realized that my darkness was burdening you. I stared at our conversation. Everything felt heavy and not right. I started thinking, scrolling through your words, what you'd texted and what you'd vocally said to me. I remembered that you said to see a therapist. I called in and scheduled for that evening. Because I realized once again that your happiness was important to me.

It was too late, though. By the time I'd finished my visit, you'd been told to leave me. You left me. I reverted, kept trying to talk to you, desperately held on to our relationship. You became scared of me, and I became scared of myself. In the wrong way, I began to care about your happiness again; if being with me would only scare you, and I only wanted you to be with me, then I had to die. I would die, terminating the possibility of burdening you. I thought that was an overwhelming possibility. That was when I had to learn weakness, to ensure your happiness. I kept going to therapy to restore our relationship.

Dying was the foolproof solution to never bothering you again. Desiring your happiness motivated me to learn from this tragedy, but it also urged me to disappear. It wasn't enough. I had to convince myself that other people mattered. As I struggled through, other people did begin to matter again. Not just the people that knowingly helped me, but also the ones who made things better without a clear idea of what I was going through. Not just those people, but also the ones I helped with their own situations. Very, very slowly, people aside from you became important to me again. These people certainly wouldn't benefit from my disappearance. They certainly didn't want me to die.

After so many months of slowly seeing the value return to the people around me, I started caring about myself again. I stopped dieting to disappear and started dieting because I felt better to be lighter. I occasionally bought new clothes and wore outfits that made me feel like I stood out. I started enjoying myself not as a treatment but as a natural compulsion. I began to find meaning again in smiling and in my own happiness. Yes, I am important, and what I want should not always be thrown aside for the sake of others.

I don't think it's quite right to call this a progression; it's a culmination. I still feel that our relationship is important, though I know how our old bond needs to evolve. I still feel that your happiness is important, but it isn't worth my disappearance. I still feel that other people are important, yet I recognize issues that I have with them that I can't expect to sew up on my own. There are many moments when I feel normal, as if we were still together or as if we'd never met. There are many moments when I must acknowledge that I am hurt, and if I cannot be rid of it without you then I must manage it until it can be taken away. I'm not plunged into the waters of emotional trauma anymore, and I'm not the dry of its experiences which have soaked into my skin.

There are still many reasons that I feel unimportant. That's been the case for a very long time. There are still many things that I can't do for myself nor for others. The core things that I do are only for you and for us; for your happiness and our friendship. Perhaps it's just a fact of my life that its core is motivated by you and by us. Even when I'm finished recovering, even when you're back, this will still be the case. That isn't a bad thing. You're just incredibly important to me.

My hair

I love the new method I discovered of straightening my hair: putting it into a ponytail. My hair looks nice when my natural waviness is allowed, but I legitimately smiled at the mirror for ten seconds straight when I undid my ponytail today and threw my hair over my forehead. I just have always adored my hair being semi-straightened.

Objectively, I realize that my hair can be considered to look worse like this than let alone. It's kind of reminiscent of a small plant's thin roots brushed haphazardly. But I'm not really doing this for fashion's sake, I'm doing it just because it makes me happy. I like my hair being so bushy. I like how my bangs have a smaller tendency to fall into my eyes when I've done this. My hair even feels different on my head. Sure, my hair may look like a weave of tiny twigs, but I actually think that represents me pretty well right now!

I have had my hair properly ironed before. Just once, for my birthday, during high school, I went over to a friend's house and she straightened my hair meticulously. I've got a picture of it that I think I've shown you before. But whenever I iron my hair, I don't take enough time to really get it smooth. I like that look too, but the heat can damage your hair right? I stopped bothering to straighten my hair some time that same year. I do remember feeling very flattered when some guy in one of my classes said my straight hair made me look like a girl. I don't think my current hair makes me look like a girl.

I only came across this straightening trick because I actually wanted to try having a ponytail. I don't like the feel of that so much. When I'm sitting, it's not comfortable to push my ponytail against a headrest, which is a bother when I'm driving. Like, I already have to control a car, I don't want to control my posture too. I would just way prefer to lean back against the seat! And I like my hair in my face and around my head. It's not really a concern about my head being revealed, though I would want to trim the back of my neck if I were going out with ponytails more often. I don't fancy the feeling of my hair being strapped to my scalp. Finally, I'm constantly worrying about my hair getting loose. I can't help but imagine some rebellious hills of hair puffing away from my head. I just don't feel right when I'm wearing a ponytail.

I don't think you'd like me to wear a ponytail. One of my points of attraction to you is my hairstyle, after all. I wonder what you'd have to say about how I'm wearing my hair now. Also, can you relate? Anyway, I'm just happy to have my hair like it is. ^.^

First day of your summer

Yesterday was your graduation from high school; congratulations! You revealed some really crap news, sure, but it's past midnight and I think we should leave yesterday behind. Let's talk about new and great stuff, because it's summertime!!

You don't start college until the fall, so you've got a whole summer to enjoy just as any gradeschooler does. What will it consist of, I wonder? Hanging out with friends? Hitting the beach? A road trip? An amusement park? There are so many possible ways for you to enjoy your summer!

I'm stuck with school through the summer, but I will do my best to enjoy it was well. You can even say that attending that recital was the start of it, though I really hope more of my friends will be able to accompany me to whatever other summer powwows I plan. You know, I've never done a beach bonfire, so that is certainly a consideration. If I can find gelatin-free marshmallows, that seals the deal! Yeah, an evening beach party sounds fantastic. I'm already psyching myself out here!

But you don't have to go out to have fun with friends. You can always invite people over to play games and/or roleplay. Even simply having a little dinner party would be nice. Oh, and there's movie nights of course. Don't forget sleepovers! Obviously someone else can host, and you can adventure to their dwelling to enjoy their company. Should physical translocation be out of the question, there's the internet! I'm thinking internet-multiplayer videogames, video chats, and some movie streaming.

I kind of see you preferring to stay at home, most likely to employ the internet to hold summer events. Ya little hermit fox. Okay, to be more honest, I'm afraid you'll forget to talk to all your friends! Yes, you've got a number of them. Don't forget, everyone wants to hang out with you! Indulge them, indulge yourself, everyone will be happier for it. To note, you're welcome at any event I organize. Just come along if you think it'll be fun! At any rate, enjoy the people who love you this summer. Maybe you could even start today?

Your eviction

So I heard about your awful situation. You're getting booted out of your grandparents' house for two weeks. I heard your mom's house is more of a junkyard than I'd last seen, and unhygienic at that, so I assume that you do not want to go back there. You're asking friends if you can stay with them for those two weeks.

I've known that your grandparents have a twisted method of ensuring your wellbeing. Their method is not actually helpful; it's destructive. I've known that I can't trust them with your recovery. Yet I had to have faith that you could depend on them for at least your basic needs. With this decision, that faith is now shattered.

You know how I've been saying that I can't get angry? I'm angry. I'm going to pat myself on the back for recovering so much that I can now get angry. Alright, done, now I'm going to explain, I am very cross with your grandparents right now. On top of ruining my life by misguiding you, now they're dropping you for two weeks because they think you're a nuisance? I don't care what the details are. They can fucking afford to keep you under their roof until you move for college! In fact, after they removed me from your life, I think you're their damn responsibility!

That said, I'd be happy to house you. I'll take the responsibility for you back. I'd give all the diplomacy I've got to get my mom to let you stay. Forget about the restraining order. If you were staying with me, I know you wouldn't turn that on me for no reason, and I know that I have learned too much to give you a reason.

However, a friend of yours told me not to expect you to consider asking me. I guess that means that, unsurprisingly, you're not any better. Still, I pray that you will take the chance to talk to me if your options run out. I just want you to be safe and sound, whatever course of action you choose. Take care, dear.

Friends, flops, fabulousness, food

I went to that recital I've been planning to attend today. One of my friends canceled on me, so I'm glad my cousin replaced her. Despite all my planning I still got to the theater late! Between traffic and parking being unavailable near the theater, which should have been obvious issues from the start, I didn't quite catch the start of the show. We got back-row seats in front of two parents who wouldn't keep their chatter between dances, and glares back at them did not seem to shame them at all. I seriously need to learn to plan to come to these dance recitals insanely early.

The recital itself was amusing. The littler kids made some pretty bad mistakes, and the bigger kids danced as wonderfully as usual. As you should know, she danced, and she was great as always. The musical skit at the end was even worse than last year, but it didn't exactly fail any expectations that I had to be honest. Between the dance flops, the dance fabulousness, and desire to be charitable, I decided to go ahead and buy a DVD of the show. I'm planning to be mean and make GIFs of the fails, while genuinely enjoying the better performances whenever I'm bored. Actually, if you want the DVD I'd be happy to let you take it.

After the recital, we visited the Spanish Villa. I couldn't help but make some purchases! I got a ceramic sake set, more for the sake I didn't intend that pun when I typed it, I swear of having something to serve various juices with and into than for serving sake. I also bought a really cute present for you! I'll keep it a secret until I can give it to you, why not? Hint, I can't use this present. Given your intimate understanding of what I believe myself able to use, that should actually narrow things down much more than it would coming from a normal person.

Given the purchase of the sake set, we just had to proceed to a Japanese diner. It's been a long time since I've used chopsticks, but I'm just as good with them now as ever. Turns out my cousin hadn't used chopsticks before, but she picked them up very quickly. Rather, picked them up and correctly used them very quickly. The food we chose was delicious and surprisingly inexpensive. The tofu in my food was very squishy though and most likely to split under the slightest pressure between my chopsticks. I wonder if there's a better way for me to have handled the tofu, or if I should exclude it the next time I visit. I'll leave that decision for another day.

My little brother accompanied me to drop my friend off at his house, sticking around with me to appreciate the $500 sounds of his new drum. We were also given a fantastic little performance to which my brother responded with much praise. You know he's impressed when he talks that much. Anyway, he just came to he could pick out a red velvet cake with me. I owed him and his friends red velvet cake, see, and they chose to have my debt paid on their last day of school: tomorrow. We put slices into little containers for him to take to school in the morning, then shared cake amongst ourselves and my cousins.

There's still a big chunk left, but I'm not even going to joke about saving it for you. Besides, your birthday was Friday and your graduation from gradeschool is tomorrow. I'm sure there's been and will continue to be a lot of celebration going on for you! Sleep tight for your big day!

This day's smiles

This day saw me smile.
This day saw you smile.

It did not see us smile.

Surprise visits

I managed to catch our favorite YouTuber's Twitch stream today. I was surprised. Firstly, I was sure his graphics card would be having some stupid problem, like it has the last few days I tried to tune in. Secondly, I arrived half an hour late. I thought it would have already been over, somehow forgetting how long League of Legends matches actually take. Participating in the streaming experience by viewing and chatting with him, his fellow players, and my fellow viewers was a new and fun experience for me. Ended up subbing to a girl whose hair I am totally jealous of. She's apparently known for streaming RuneScape, and I figure I might watch sometime for nostalgia's sake.

My cousins, including my favorite, decided to pop by today. They were supposed to come in the afternoon; as is the tendency of my family, they came I think around 4, in the late afternoon. Gave me plenty of time to prepare, to be sure, yet somehow I neglected to put on pants before they arrived. No, I wasn't strutting about pantsless, I just didn't come to the door right away. Better than some times when I hide in my room from visitors. I think I'm done with that habit, honestly. Part of that may be that I don't want anyone to visit my room in the state that it's in.

I invited my favorite cousin to watch some Netflix with me. Scrolling through my list, I came upon RWBY and prompted that as an option. I haven't seen the show in a while, and I like how the volumes are compiled on Netflix. We went ahead and watched, and she really likes the series! I didn't ask exactly what she liked, but then again, what's not to like? The answer to that would be moments of lazy animation, but I think you'll agree that everything else makes up for that.

She and I are both very quiet viewers. Sometimes I found myself questioning whether she was enjoying watching because she wouldn't really comment or laugh outright. However, there were certainly some chuckles, and she did want to catch every moment of the show. My aunt and uncle interrupted us a few times; they clearly haven't learned the etiquette that my little brother and I have taught our parents. My cousin specifically missed the scene where flustered Jaune badgers near-nude Ren for girl advice, because my aunt spontaneously wanted to chat. Had to rewind to rewatch that whole sequence over, which personally I don't mind. I like Ren's model~

Since my cousin is staying the night, I invited her to come with me to the recital tomorrow, and subsequent dining. Two of my friends have confirmed that they are coming with me. Actually, I leave to pick everyone up in a little over 12 hours. She said she'd like to go, which may kind of be a given since there isn't a whole ton for her to do otherwise. I'm excited to go, and I feel very comfortable going with these three people being with me. I'm sure it will be fun!

In the stream, that YouTuber said that he is tempted to do a 24-hour stream. His streams since he started back up have only been LoL and CoD, so I suggested that if he does do a day-long stream he should include a Minecraft segment. Obviously I had you in mind when I suggested this. I'm sure he'll throw that in, given how good of a fan you are! Since you're done with school soon, you'll be able to catch as much of the 24-hour stream as you can bear. If I could, I would specifically tell you when he's on his Minecraft segments. That's kinda illegal though.

Hope today's been as nice for you as it's been for me. I usually say that whenever I have a good day, don't I? Well, it's true, I always do hope that for you. Take care!

End of your birthday

Yesterday I got hit with a whole lot of missing you. You know, before that day I was actually considering buying some red velvet batter and baking an itty bitty cake for your birthday, just for me and my family to enjoy. Then I realized how sad it is to bake a cake for someone who's not even talking to you, fully expecting that person to never even see it. The words of a certain cat from a Dreamworks animation came to mind: "You are better than this!"

This is the first birthday of yours that I've been absent for since I met you. The months of just being starkly without you have given me time to accept that I won't be able to spend such days with you, but I still wish I hadn't screwed up. Nobody in my family bothered to wish you happy birthday. My little brother either is truly too shy or he blames you for what I've gone through and is too bitter about it. I figure my mom is afraid of stirring something up.

Yeah, my day wasn't great. To be honest, I don't even care about how I felt today. It looks like you enjoyed your birthday, and that matters to me. I'm only talking about how I felt here because I do need to acknowledge how I feel. Most of what I'm feeling in the end is happiness that you seem to be well. I'm not saying that ingenuinely. Knowing that you're happy does make me happy, at least to an extent.

So I hope you had a nice birthday, got neat presents, ate yummy cake, and got lots of birthday wishes from friends. I hope it was all so fun that you're plumb tuckered out and fast asleep right now. I hope that midnight marked the end of a happy birthday for you.

Happy birthday to you

ǜ
λ
.~~~||~~~.
|        |
| ♥ HAPPY|
|BIRTHDAY|
|~~~~~~~~|
|-@@--@@-|
'--------'

Make a wish and blow out the candle!

Left you with love

I knew that you'd be okay because I left you with love.

At least you were there

If you'd abandoned me
right away,

I probably wouldn't be
here today.

I let my frailty take the wheel

But maybe I'm a little bit weak.
I let my frailty take the wheel.

She said,
"Maybe there's a better me waiting for a better you, baby."

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Middle of Nowhere as performed by the band Hot Hot Heat.