Today I didn't have lecture in my class, so I drove to the bay and walked. It's been a while since I did that. You know how I stayed up all Monday morning but it wasn't the same because of my depression? Well, ever since I started walking the bay I've never felt burdened by traversing 6 miles over the course of a few hours, but today I did. On the way back, I started to regret walking so far. I wanted to stop somewhere, take another break. I wanted to go home. I blame the fact that my depression has been more mild.
When I first started walking, I was suicidal. I was so close to the edge. Walking that distance gave me something. It held my attention. I can't say that I'm unhappy with not being suicidal anymore. Trust me, I'm glad that I feel safe from myself. But I'm disappointed that I couldn't have the same dedication today as I did then. Where did that dedication go? Towards watching TV shows?
I hate being in this limbo. I'm not enough of myself to be as I was before we became friends. I'm not empty enough to easily disregard my desires. I'm even questioning whether I'll now pull up and out of this depression or, like I thought before, I'll dive back down until I catch the next extraordinary mood. In the meanwhile, I'm parts useless, pained, and self-loathing. I'd rather be closer to nothing again. But I think being like this is better than my depression is for the people around me.
Stated more blunt and direct, you've accepted the pain?
ReplyDeleteAs in, you've got accustomed to it? It is only in pain and sadness in where we truly the value the desire for happiness.
I'm not so sure I'm with you on valuing the desire for happiness, but other than that I think that's a good way of putting it. It's not so much that I care for wanting happy. I care about seeing meaning in my world again. She happens to both mean the most out of anything to me and bring me happiness.
DeleteThank you very much for the comment. =]
In pain, we gain experiences after all.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have just read about these things and learned, like I hope others do through my writing. I suppose someone has to suffer for anyone to learn, though.
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