Habits are difficult

To sustain a habit takes motivation. You have to really feel comfortable, good, or otherwise pushed to keep doing something. Yeah, there are some things that we do regularly that we hate. But there's something underneath that hate for those habits that keeps us doing them. We could be comfortable with the fact that at least everything is in order. We could be relieved that at least we're avoiding doing something that would pain us. We could be doing it because it'll pay off one day.

Then there's depression. Apathy and emptiness are my favorite words to associate with the condition. And do you know what that means for habits? Well, let me discuss something else. The phrase "old habits die hard" means that breaking a habit can have difficult repercussions, which can motivate a person to pick up the habit again. However, when I think of something dying hard, I imagine it dying quickly, brutally, and even irreversibly. Not quite what the phrase means. Applying that meaning to that phrase is pretty appropriate for a person in the throes of depression, though. Nothing really feels comfortable, or good, or motivating, because nothing really feels meaningful.

So, all those habits? The good and the bad, they just drop like flies. My habits all dropped, I remember that. It took time to start picking them up again, to make more habits. New habits can come up from things that can bring temporary and false relief, such as substances or self-harm. This blog became that habit that relieves me from my depression. Yes, sifting through and sharing my thoughts here is such a relief, no matter how much the urge to disappear tells me it's a burden. Disappearing is the true burden, though, and communication is my salvation. Keep talking, and eventually I'll get to keep talking to you, after all. You're my meaning behind all this.