Not so much writing anymore

I had a chat with a friend of yours recently. Well, she had a chat with me. She didn't say very much. She said that your issues are not being worked through, which is sadly not a surprise. You know about Tell Her Before I Die, but you haven't really read it. You want me to stop writing this. I understand.

These messages have brought me through the worst months of my entire life. They represented my hope when I was lost within depression, when I had no idea what was going on or why. They have helped me to think about and understand myself and what has happened to me. They've allowed me to let caring people know just how I actually am, and those supporters have helped to get me through this. As I recovered, their help became more effective.

I needed to write these messages. They kept me alive and made me well. However, lately I've been inconsistent with writing. I thought this was a bad thing, but perhaps it simply is a symptom of the transition in my state of mind. I'm not near the fringe of death anymore. I'm not overwhelmed by thinking a few months into the future. Sometimes when I write now I can't help but feel like shit that you haven't read to try to understand. That wasn't something that bothered me in the throes of depression. I just held on and hoped you'd read eventually, as the title of this collection suggests.

You're not going to try to understand just yet. According to your friend, to you this blog is nothing more than a creepy display of obsession. Does that hurt me? Not exactly, because I think that ignorance is hard to break from, especially when you're surrounded by it. But I cannot dismiss your feelings, even if they're based on blindness. While I'm too afraid of regression to cease my writing altogether, I will stop writing regularly. Not writing may slow down my recovery, but I'm comfortable enough with where I am to sacrifice my recovery for your own. Besides, it's pointless for me to get better if you won't.

I'll still write occasionally. Expect a message on holidays. I'll likely continue to think of you on my outings, so I'll probably come home and write about them. Some days I'll feel like art or poetry or recommending some TV show I just watched. The point is, some days I'll just need to write. When I need to write, I won't hesitate to do it. Just as my recovery means nothing without yours, the vice verse applies.

Dear, I am scared. I have been scared all of these months, in different ways and for different reasons. You're scared. We can get better though, and that's what I will work toward. You inspire me to improve myself as much as I can in your absence. I pray that you find a reason to get better as well. All I can do is stay weak and pray for you.

Importance

One of the ways that I can define my experience is by what I saw importance in. At first, I only saw importance in our relationship. Later, I saw importance in your happiness. As I recovered, the people around me became more important. At this point, I'm finding myself to be important again. I want to explain all that.

The first night that I told you that I should just die. I felt that, without having my love for you returned, there wasn't any meaning for me or in anything. I only wanted to get back the future that we had going for us before. I wanted us to be as close as we could be, and I thought that meant as close as we'd ever been. You said we were best friends, and I tried to grip that as well as I could. But I still didn't feel that it was enough.

On that Monday, we texted. I cried about how I didn't think I could take it, how I still wanted to die. There was nothing left to say about that, so I changed the subject. Monty Oum had just died, and so I shared the news with you and mourned a bit. This was the point at which I realized that my darkness was burdening you. I stared at our conversation. Everything felt heavy and not right. I started thinking, scrolling through your words, what you'd texted and what you'd vocally said to me. I remembered that you said to see a therapist. I called in and scheduled for that evening. Because I realized once again that your happiness was important to me.

It was too late, though. By the time I'd finished my visit, you'd been told to leave me. You left me. I reverted, kept trying to talk to you, desperately held on to our relationship. You became scared of me, and I became scared of myself. In the wrong way, I began to care about your happiness again; if being with me would only scare you, and I only wanted you to be with me, then I had to die. I would die, terminating the possibility of burdening you. I thought that was an overwhelming possibility. That was when I had to learn weakness, to ensure your happiness. I kept going to therapy to restore our relationship.

Dying was the foolproof solution to never bothering you again. Desiring your happiness motivated me to learn from this tragedy, but it also urged me to disappear. It wasn't enough. I had to convince myself that other people mattered. As I struggled through, other people did begin to matter again. Not just the people that knowingly helped me, but also the ones who made things better without a clear idea of what I was going through. Not just those people, but also the ones I helped with their own situations. Very, very slowly, people aside from you became important to me again. These people certainly wouldn't benefit from my disappearance. They certainly didn't want me to die.

After so many months of slowly seeing the value return to the people around me, I started caring about myself again. I stopped dieting to disappear and started dieting because I felt better to be lighter. I occasionally bought new clothes and wore outfits that made me feel like I stood out. I started enjoying myself not as a treatment but as a natural compulsion. I began to find meaning again in smiling and in my own happiness. Yes, I am important, and what I want should not always be thrown aside for the sake of others.

I don't think it's quite right to call this a progression; it's a culmination. I still feel that our relationship is important, though I know how our old bond needs to evolve. I still feel that your happiness is important, but it isn't worth my disappearance. I still feel that other people are important, yet I recognize issues that I have with them that I can't expect to sew up on my own. There are many moments when I feel normal, as if we were still together or as if we'd never met. There are many moments when I must acknowledge that I am hurt, and if I cannot be rid of it without you then I must manage it until it can be taken away. I'm not plunged into the waters of emotional trauma anymore, and I'm not the dry of its experiences which have soaked into my skin.

There are still many reasons that I feel unimportant. That's been the case for a very long time. There are still many things that I can't do for myself nor for others. The core things that I do are only for you and for us; for your happiness and our friendship. Perhaps it's just a fact of my life that its core is motivated by you and by us. Even when I'm finished recovering, even when you're back, this will still be the case. That isn't a bad thing. You're just incredibly important to me.

My hair

I love the new method I discovered of straightening my hair: putting it into a ponytail. My hair looks nice when my natural waviness is allowed, but I legitimately smiled at the mirror for ten seconds straight when I undid my ponytail today and threw my hair over my forehead. I just have always adored my hair being semi-straightened.

Objectively, I realize that my hair can be considered to look worse like this than let alone. It's kind of reminiscent of a small plant's thin roots brushed haphazardly. But I'm not really doing this for fashion's sake, I'm doing it just because it makes me happy. I like my hair being so bushy. I like how my bangs have a smaller tendency to fall into my eyes when I've done this. My hair even feels different on my head. Sure, my hair may look like a weave of tiny twigs, but I actually think that represents me pretty well right now!

I have had my hair properly ironed before. Just once, for my birthday, during high school, I went over to a friend's house and she straightened my hair meticulously. I've got a picture of it that I think I've shown you before. But whenever I iron my hair, I don't take enough time to really get it smooth. I like that look too, but the heat can damage your hair right? I stopped bothering to straighten my hair some time that same year. I do remember feeling very flattered when some guy in one of my classes said my straight hair made me look like a girl. I don't think my current hair makes me look like a girl.

I only came across this straightening trick because I actually wanted to try having a ponytail. I don't like the feel of that so much. When I'm sitting, it's not comfortable to push my ponytail against a headrest, which is a bother when I'm driving. Like, I already have to control a car, I don't want to control my posture too. I would just way prefer to lean back against the seat! And I like my hair in my face and around my head. It's not really a concern about my head being revealed, though I would want to trim the back of my neck if I were going out with ponytails more often. I don't fancy the feeling of my hair being strapped to my scalp. Finally, I'm constantly worrying about my hair getting loose. I can't help but imagine some rebellious hills of hair puffing away from my head. I just don't feel right when I'm wearing a ponytail.

I don't think you'd like me to wear a ponytail. One of my points of attraction to you is my hairstyle, after all. I wonder what you'd have to say about how I'm wearing my hair now. Also, can you relate? Anyway, I'm just happy to have my hair like it is. ^.^

First day of your summer

Yesterday was your graduation from high school; congratulations! You revealed some really crap news, sure, but it's past midnight and I think we should leave yesterday behind. Let's talk about new and great stuff, because it's summertime!!

You don't start college until the fall, so you've got a whole summer to enjoy just as any gradeschooler does. What will it consist of, I wonder? Hanging out with friends? Hitting the beach? A road trip? An amusement park? There are so many possible ways for you to enjoy your summer!

I'm stuck with school through the summer, but I will do my best to enjoy it was well. You can even say that attending that recital was the start of it, though I really hope more of my friends will be able to accompany me to whatever other summer powwows I plan. You know, I've never done a beach bonfire, so that is certainly a consideration. If I can find gelatin-free marshmallows, that seals the deal! Yeah, an evening beach party sounds fantastic. I'm already psyching myself out here!

But you don't have to go out to have fun with friends. You can always invite people over to play games and/or roleplay. Even simply having a little dinner party would be nice. Oh, and there's movie nights of course. Don't forget sleepovers! Obviously someone else can host, and you can adventure to their dwelling to enjoy their company. Should physical translocation be out of the question, there's the internet! I'm thinking internet-multiplayer videogames, video chats, and some movie streaming.

I kind of see you preferring to stay at home, most likely to employ the internet to hold summer events. Ya little hermit fox. Okay, to be more honest, I'm afraid you'll forget to talk to all your friends! Yes, you've got a number of them. Don't forget, everyone wants to hang out with you! Indulge them, indulge yourself, everyone will be happier for it. To note, you're welcome at any event I organize. Just come along if you think it'll be fun! At any rate, enjoy the people who love you this summer. Maybe you could even start today?

Your eviction

So I heard about your awful situation. You're getting booted out of your grandparents' house for two weeks. I heard your mom's house is more of a junkyard than I'd last seen, and unhygienic at that, so I assume that you do not want to go back there. You're asking friends if you can stay with them for those two weeks.

I've known that your grandparents have a twisted method of ensuring your wellbeing. Their method is not actually helpful; it's destructive. I've known that I can't trust them with your recovery. Yet I had to have faith that you could depend on them for at least your basic needs. With this decision, that faith is now shattered.

You know how I've been saying that I can't get angry? I'm angry. I'm going to pat myself on the back for recovering so much that I can now get angry. Alright, done, now I'm going to explain, I am very cross with your grandparents right now. On top of ruining my life by misguiding you, now they're dropping you for two weeks because they think you're a nuisance? I don't care what the details are. They can fucking afford to keep you under their roof until you move for college! In fact, after they removed me from your life, I think you're their damn responsibility!

That said, I'd be happy to house you. I'll take the responsibility for you back. I'd give all the diplomacy I've got to get my mom to let you stay. Forget about the restraining order. If you were staying with me, I know you wouldn't turn that on me for no reason, and I know that I have learned too much to give you a reason.

However, a friend of yours told me not to expect you to consider asking me. I guess that means that, unsurprisingly, you're not any better. Still, I pray that you will take the chance to talk to me if your options run out. I just want you to be safe and sound, whatever course of action you choose. Take care, dear.

Friends, flops, fabulousness, food

I went to that recital I've been planning to attend today. One of my friends canceled on me, so I'm glad my cousin replaced her. Despite all my planning I still got to the theater late! Between traffic and parking being unavailable near the theater, which should have been obvious issues from the start, I didn't quite catch the start of the show. We got back-row seats in front of two parents who wouldn't keep their chatter between dances, and glares back at them did not seem to shame them at all. I seriously need to learn to plan to come to these dance recitals insanely early.

The recital itself was amusing. The littler kids made some pretty bad mistakes, and the bigger kids danced as wonderfully as usual. As you should know, she danced, and she was great as always. The musical skit at the end was even worse than last year, but it didn't exactly fail any expectations that I had to be honest. Between the dance flops, the dance fabulousness, and desire to be charitable, I decided to go ahead and buy a DVD of the show. I'm planning to be mean and make GIFs of the fails, while genuinely enjoying the better performances whenever I'm bored. Actually, if you want the DVD I'd be happy to let you take it.

After the recital, we visited the Spanish Villa. I couldn't help but make some purchases! I got a ceramic sake set, more for the sake I didn't intend that pun when I typed it, I swear of having something to serve various juices with and into than for serving sake. I also bought a really cute present for you! I'll keep it a secret until I can give it to you, why not? Hint, I can't use this present. Given your intimate understanding of what I believe myself able to use, that should actually narrow things down much more than it would coming from a normal person.

Given the purchase of the sake set, we just had to proceed to a Japanese diner. It's been a long time since I've used chopsticks, but I'm just as good with them now as ever. Turns out my cousin hadn't used chopsticks before, but she picked them up very quickly. Rather, picked them up and correctly used them very quickly. The food we chose was delicious and surprisingly inexpensive. The tofu in my food was very squishy though and most likely to split under the slightest pressure between my chopsticks. I wonder if there's a better way for me to have handled the tofu, or if I should exclude it the next time I visit. I'll leave that decision for another day.

My little brother accompanied me to drop my friend off at his house, sticking around with me to appreciate the $500 sounds of his new drum. We were also given a fantastic little performance to which my brother responded with much praise. You know he's impressed when he talks that much. Anyway, he just came to he could pick out a red velvet cake with me. I owed him and his friends red velvet cake, see, and they chose to have my debt paid on their last day of school: tomorrow. We put slices into little containers for him to take to school in the morning, then shared cake amongst ourselves and my cousins.

There's still a big chunk left, but I'm not even going to joke about saving it for you. Besides, your birthday was Friday and your graduation from gradeschool is tomorrow. I'm sure there's been and will continue to be a lot of celebration going on for you! Sleep tight for your big day!

This day's smiles

This day saw me smile.
This day saw you smile.

It did not see us smile.

Surprise visits

I managed to catch our favorite YouTuber's Twitch stream today. I was surprised. Firstly, I was sure his graphics card would be having some stupid problem, like it has the last few days I tried to tune in. Secondly, I arrived half an hour late. I thought it would have already been over, somehow forgetting how long League of Legends matches actually take. Participating in the streaming experience by viewing and chatting with him, his fellow players, and my fellow viewers was a new and fun experience for me. Ended up subbing to a girl whose hair I am totally jealous of. She's apparently known for streaming RuneScape, and I figure I might watch sometime for nostalgia's sake.

My cousins, including my favorite, decided to pop by today. They were supposed to come in the afternoon; as is the tendency of my family, they came I think around 4, in the late afternoon. Gave me plenty of time to prepare, to be sure, yet somehow I neglected to put on pants before they arrived. No, I wasn't strutting about pantsless, I just didn't come to the door right away. Better than some times when I hide in my room from visitors. I think I'm done with that habit, honestly. Part of that may be that I don't want anyone to visit my room in the state that it's in.

I invited my favorite cousin to watch some Netflix with me. Scrolling through my list, I came upon RWBY and prompted that as an option. I haven't seen the show in a while, and I like how the volumes are compiled on Netflix. We went ahead and watched, and she really likes the series! I didn't ask exactly what she liked, but then again, what's not to like? The answer to that would be moments of lazy animation, but I think you'll agree that everything else makes up for that.

She and I are both very quiet viewers. Sometimes I found myself questioning whether she was enjoying watching because she wouldn't really comment or laugh outright. However, there were certainly some chuckles, and she did want to catch every moment of the show. My aunt and uncle interrupted us a few times; they clearly haven't learned the etiquette that my little brother and I have taught our parents. My cousin specifically missed the scene where flustered Jaune badgers near-nude Ren for girl advice, because my aunt spontaneously wanted to chat. Had to rewind to rewatch that whole sequence over, which personally I don't mind. I like Ren's model~

Since my cousin is staying the night, I invited her to come with me to the recital tomorrow, and subsequent dining. Two of my friends have confirmed that they are coming with me. Actually, I leave to pick everyone up in a little over 12 hours. She said she'd like to go, which may kind of be a given since there isn't a whole ton for her to do otherwise. I'm excited to go, and I feel very comfortable going with these three people being with me. I'm sure it will be fun!

In the stream, that YouTuber said that he is tempted to do a 24-hour stream. His streams since he started back up have only been LoL and CoD, so I suggested that if he does do a day-long stream he should include a Minecraft segment. Obviously I had you in mind when I suggested this. I'm sure he'll throw that in, given how good of a fan you are! Since you're done with school soon, you'll be able to catch as much of the 24-hour stream as you can bear. If I could, I would specifically tell you when he's on his Minecraft segments. That's kinda illegal though.

Hope today's been as nice for you as it's been for me. I usually say that whenever I have a good day, don't I? Well, it's true, I always do hope that for you. Take care!

End of your birthday

Yesterday I got hit with a whole lot of missing you. You know, before that day I was actually considering buying some red velvet batter and baking an itty bitty cake for your birthday, just for me and my family to enjoy. Then I realized how sad it is to bake a cake for someone who's not even talking to you, fully expecting that person to never even see it. The words of a certain cat from a Dreamworks animation came to mind: "You are better than this!"

This is the first birthday of yours that I've been absent for since I met you. The months of just being starkly without you have given me time to accept that I won't be able to spend such days with you, but I still wish I hadn't screwed up. Nobody in my family bothered to wish you happy birthday. My little brother either is truly too shy or he blames you for what I've gone through and is too bitter about it. I figure my mom is afraid of stirring something up.

Yeah, my day wasn't great. To be honest, I don't even care about how I felt today. It looks like you enjoyed your birthday, and that matters to me. I'm only talking about how I felt here because I do need to acknowledge how I feel. Most of what I'm feeling in the end is happiness that you seem to be well. I'm not saying that ingenuinely. Knowing that you're happy does make me happy, at least to an extent.

So I hope you had a nice birthday, got neat presents, ate yummy cake, and got lots of birthday wishes from friends. I hope it was all so fun that you're plumb tuckered out and fast asleep right now. I hope that midnight marked the end of a happy birthday for you.

Happy birthday to you

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| ♥ HAPPY|
|BIRTHDAY|
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Make a wish and blow out the candle!

Left you with love

I knew that you'd be okay because I left you with love.

At least you were there

If you'd abandoned me
right away,

I probably wouldn't be
here today.

I let my frailty take the wheel

But maybe I'm a little bit weak.
I let my frailty take the wheel.

She said,
"Maybe there's a better me waiting for a better you, baby."

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Middle of Nowhere as performed by the band Hot Hot Heat.

Not so bad for overcast

I haven't come down from feeling good. That's sure saying something, because normally having a blanket of light grey over my sun really bums me out! By normally, I mean before-all-this-shit normally. I'm really saying something here. I'm really satisfied with how I'm feeling.

Can't help but wonder if there's more to it than, "I just feel good." Not some ulterior motive, no, but some catalyst. Maybe all the good stuff in my life is finally having some effect on me. I mean, count it up: romance, friends, school, home, food, health, music. Yeah, I'm thinking even the music I've discovered lately has boosted my mood. I was thinking before that I just appreciate those things more now because I'm feeling better. Perhaps it's the other way around and those things are what helped me to finally feel better. After all, holding onto something meaningful that hasn't been here has dragged me through, so why shouldn't lots of things that are right around me help to push?

That sort of wondering doesn't hurt, but I wonder if it's not worth thought anyway. As with those days during depression when I'd inexplicably feel better for a run, should I just take it without questioning? For those days, the questioning was paranoia. For these days, the questioning is simply curiosity. Yet would it be better to redirect the little bit of effort away from wonder and toward enjoyment? My answer is yeah. If I have to ask about it, I can always do it here, with you.

Again extraordinary

Remember I used to talk about having extraordinary days? Those sorts of days are now very common for me, while bad days are not so common. The good days were always underlined with doubt and paranoia, but they were certainly better than the regular stream of depression. The only problem with having that every day is that the underline becomes more pronounced and frustrating, as I've mentioned recently.

Today was actually really great. I didn't feel doubtful or paranoid or frustrated. I laughed and didn't second-guess how genuine it was. I laughed easily, but I could tell that it was because I was giddy and not because I felt helpless. Do you know how great that difference in feeling is? It's fantastic.

Many days I feel okay I wonder, "How long is this going to last?" Today, no such concern. My only consideration is that I should keep helping myself, as always. My experience has made me pretty sensitive to how easy it is to neglect myself. It's easier to take care when I've already formed the habits to take care of myself, though. All things considered, no downsides!

I was singing a lot today too. On my way home, I sang along to a song I just freakin' love. It's so ridiculously upbeat, somewhat silly, just great! Maybe you've heard it? Here, courtesy video.

But yeah, totally jamming out to that in the car. Do you like it? ^.^ Gotta say the line that caught me was, The songs on the radio are okay... but my taste in music is your face! Hearing that line for the first time was what started me listening to the rest of the lyrics.

So, yeah, good day! And I think I post so many music videos on here that it deserves its own tag. On that now! I hope that this whole time you've been as well as I've been today. =3

I seem normal

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who see me.
I do what I need to do.
I carry on like the rest.
I keep my chin up.
But what are they seeing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who hear me.
I smile and laugh.
I give sympathies and advice.
I chat happily about little things.
But what are they hearing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who ask me.
I shrug, "I'm fine."
I nod, "Things are great."
I grin, "Thanks for asking."
But what are they asking?

Am I normal yet?
Now ask the ones who feel me.
No?
Then why would I act so?
And what could be wrong?
But I believe you know.

Do I seem normal yet?
I want to be normal enough.

I'm well but frustrated

Things are going well for me. I'm doing schoolwork as needed. I've got plans for this weekend with friends. Got a partner who seems pretty obsessed with me. I have all the necessities and I'm taking care of myself. I'm continuing to handle my situation safely, and that's really important. These may be things a normal person should manage with ease, but it feels like a lot to me. Thus, I feel fine in patting myself on the back.

Yet I'm frustrated. Being okay doesn't feel worth it. I can't see myself getting closer to my goal, to seeing you again. Now that I don't have death and poor life management to be as concerned about, I'm beginning to ask myself, "If she's not even looking, why would she come back?" The obvious answer is to visit you and show you that I'm okay. Best case scenario, you smile and accept that. But what if you still are unwell? I have no idea if you've gotten better yet. I have no idea if you'll ever get better on your own, especially because of the people who led us into this. That's why I'm frustrated; the safest answer is to wait for you to come to me, but you may never come.

This recovery is happening through weakness and strength. I use strength to improve myself. I employ weakness to wait out dangerous urges. Seeing you is dangerous because it could send you into a needless panic. That's what happened the last time I tried to visit you. That's what you showed when you walked into the courthouse. That's all I'm able to go off of. I don't know anything else, because you aren't letting me know anything.

I will just stay weak to keep from causing you trouble. I will stay strong to keep striding away from depression. However, I have to admit that, when I said I would do this for years or decades, I didn't realize how slowly and painfully time would pass in just these past months.

Playlist updates

I updated my YouTube playlist earlier, the one titled They Sing The Words I Couldn't Find. I did some rearrangement, and I added two songs: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, and Everything is Wrong by Interpol. The prior is now the start of the playlist. I've wanted to put Here Without You on the list for a long time. However, I chose to wait until this line was true: A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. It's actually only been a bit over 90 days, but the disappointment in realizing that it's almost been 100 days hit me hard and I just had to add it. Besides, that line will be true very soon (sadly).

The other song I've been neglecting to add for a while now. Right now, I don't feel that absolutely everything is wrong. However, that's certainly how I've felt for a long time. I certainly still do feel the lyrics. I doubt that you can relate, but I hope that you can enjoy it.

Again, there is a particular order to the playlist. I'll give one factor away: the songs at the top up to and including Sanctuary are songs I relate most to at the moment. The one that starts the playlist is pretty much a summary of my current feelings regarding you and my situation. Looking at my recent messages, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I chose Here Without You to be the starting song.

I truly wonder when these sounds will reach your ears. I don't know what to think if they already have.

Anything, anything

Is something wrong with me?

I really wish I knew.

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Anything, Anything as written by John Easdale and as performed by the band Dramarama.

Anything, everything, nothing

I was all you needed
when you just wanted anything.

You begged me to stay
as I threw away everything.

I left you with better
and to you I became nothing.

Not bragging about new partners

At the beginning of the year, I got a girlfriend to replace you. Except she couldn't. She lied about her age twice, kept me a secret from her family, and even had another boyfriend, so I dumped her. Sure, I loved her and my relationship with her felt special, but that couldn't nearly negate the lies. I can't remember right now how long it had lasted. I remember I told you when she and I first got together, and I told you about the breakup while you were showering.

So, I'm at it again, but I've learned from mistakes. First of all, I'm not thinking of my new partner as a replacement for you. What I have with this person is its own thing. I am preserving the mission of learning to have a healthy relationship. Despite that, ever since you my relationships have escalated pretty quickly. Maybe that's thanks to you, actually; we unlocked each others' confidence, so I'm probably being more attractive by being more confident. I think that this partner is honest; there's a few things, particularly age, that could have been lied about but weren't. I'm missing some considerably important information about this person, but I don't find it crucial.

I hope that this lasts a while. It seems like it will, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some things. Actually, that's even better; having a healthy relationship includes managing disagreements in a healthy way. I think I've already mentioned that my partner is super attentive, like you were. I'm sure this person would spend every moment with me if possible. Not sure if my computer would get hogged again. Probably. Ah well.

This relationship might sound like replacement or like mere practice, but I again don't consider it that way. I love this person, I would be involved if I didn't. Of course I'm learning with this, like we should from life. It might end up being practice for another. This person and I might end up together until the end. There's no telling the future. At this time, I don't want to think about the future; there's too many possibilities to consider, and I want to focus on what I've got now. And I've got to go forward continuing to learn.

I can live without you

Turns out I can live without you, does not mean, I feel better without you.

Sad city

Sitting, rummaging through thought,
calling for words to come, and they take their time.
Or maybe they see my wishes all rot,
and most disappear, still I've got
some message with feeling in its chime.

It isn't so easy to make it known
when that's just what built the downward spiral.
Yet to keep inside this shit that I own
will make me believe that I'm all alone.
Let the cards drop, don't bother holding them all.

Though I'm coming back, they are still there:
the doubt, the regret, and still not you.
I should laugh just to take in air.
I'm so grateful to be given any care.
Still, I don't know what I'm walking to.

I can only guess at what you wanted,
how I should end up, and some guesses aren't pretty.
How the fuck would thoughts that only daunted
be a better companion on the road that haunted
this mind, this ghost town, this sad city?

Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.

Forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

A life forming again

Since my little freakout a few weeks ago about normalcy, I've bounced back better. I'm trying to get out and do more things that, well, I would do, as I would do them. I've got plans for next weekend to meet up with friends. I'm wearing clothes that I wanna wear, in part thanks to fitting into old jeans and in part thanks to buying fabulous tees. I'm doing some roleplay, keeping my heart open. Things feel pretty good.

There's this nagging feeling of somberness that come into my consciousness sometimes. I don't think I need to be afraid that it means something, though. This time around, I'll simply acknowledge it. Yeah, I'm not perfectly okay. I'll tell someone about it, otherwise I've got Tell Her Before I Die to talk about it. It's not something that's necessary to work around, though. I don't really have to go out of my way and take action in regards to that feeling. Just this paragraph is enough for today.

I'm starting to watch YouTube videos again. And one of our favorite YouTubers has started posting again, since last week. Daily videos, 20 minutes each, too! I honestly didn't expect that, so I've missed a lot of content now. That YouTuber personally welcomed me back to the channel when I commented. That fanbase feels kinda homely, you know? I think participating more over there could do me some good.

I'm trying my best not to make the same mistakes I made when we broke up. First and foremost, I'm not working against my feelings for you. There's no elation of, "Hey, I'm single, so now I can do whatever I want!" I'm not doing things to fill in a hole. This time, I'm working with my feelings. I'm building myself back up for when you come back. In addition, I'm not doing these things to distract myself from you, like I did when my depression was deepest. I'm actually doing something now, really working for tomorrow.

And, of course, there's that person that I'm interested in. On top of the schedule that's come together for me, I'm now trying to put effort toward that relationship. This person is as clingy as you, I swear, which is a thing that I admire. I don't know how clingy you'll still be during the time we're just friends again, but I'm sure being with this person will be good repreparation. Thing is, we haven't officially agreed on an elevated relationship status. You could call what we have right now a friendship with obvious mutual attraction. If we do decide to be partners, I imagine this person will become even clingier?

Dunno, I'll have to wait and see. That stands true for many things.

Looking for love

I decided a while ago to get better for when I see you again. Since I've gotten this far, I'm trying to find another partner. The person I'm interested in now isn't somebody that you know. Well, I kind of hope that you don't know this person. Maybe a streak of only two people isn't enough to confirm it, but you seem to ruin my advances. Anyway, like I said, my life is pretty stable so I'm considering the next goal: a healthy relationship.

There's one obvious problem: I still love you. It's a love that doesn't fade. You're a memory that can't be forgotten. That should be a turnoff for anyone checking me out. There's quite a few pages of discouragement that Tell Her Before I Die has to offer. But I've got attractive and admirable qualities, and I know someone could love them more than my hopeless attachment can deter. It's happened before, actually.

Honestly, what's kept me from giving my heart to others has been my concern for them. Gaping crevices were carved into my heart, the edges of each laceration being brutally sharp; I couldn't bring myself to let it cut into the palms of someone trying to hold it. I was too damaged to let myself be loved like that. However, I think those edges have softened and the gorges have closed considerably. As before, my love for one person doesn't diminish my love for another. So, now that I've healed this much, even though I love you so much, I can find love in someone else. Especially who's actually there for me.

It'd be the best for both of us if someone replaced you, but I'm not expecting that. And whoever I'm with isn't a filler, either. You've taught me that any romantic relationship should be treated as between only two people. My feelings for you aren't going to have anything to do with my feelings for anyone else. My feelings for anyone else aren't going to have anything to do with you. All those feelings will be there, though.

I won't stop writing to you. There's so many thoughts that I'll continue to want you to know. I don't know whether to feel sorry for someone who still wants me with all of that, or to simply be very grateful. I think I'll be selfish and grateful. I need a bit more selfishness. A new love would be nice.

Your solution

Your solution to my distress:

is a huge blank that you left

I can't make you fill it in

I can only ask you to look at it

Noise for work

I think my school is a bit noisy. There are few walls to dampen conversations and the ventilation whirs up occasionally. A friend of mine disagrees though. He says that the school is too quiet, at least for him to work. He prefers his home, because apparently he's more comfortable with the racket his family makes. Nighttime at his house is too quiet for him to work, too. When it's too quiet, he gets writers' block.

I brought you up when he mentioned this. When it's too quiet, you start thinking about other things and those thoughts distract you from work, I told him. He didn't really say whether that's his issue or not. Another little parallel is that he is a Marine. I didn't bother to bring that up. Besides, you're only in the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps to show that you have discipline and to get away from regular PE kids.

I could ask whether he goes to sleep with a radio or TV on, but that's a little bit creepy to ask. He's a guy who's slightly wider-eyed, talks with a bit more pep. I think that alone suggests that his reasons for avoiding quiet while working are different than yours. I suppose that if you're a flame then he's more of an electric current. And, of course, I'm water. I appreciate the rushing of waterfalls and crashing of waves as intense background noise. Well, not so literally. I listen to composed music, not nature sounds. I don't think any of the three of us listen to nature tracks regularly.

Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do in order to get through schoolwork.

A clouded night

Halfway through the year
and I'm still not over you.
I still don't feel all better
and this just doesn't feel right.

Halfway through the year
and I see you're not with me.
Seems that I wasn't worth it
because you're nowhere in sight.

Start of a new month
but hardly a new beginning.
It's the same storm swirling
but it's not winning this fight.

Start of a new month
but I feel old and battered.
There's so much more to live through
because you are still my light.

A distant star. A clouded night.