Others are worse off

One person I know is the victim of child abuse, has been depressed for years, self-harms, and has attempted suicide several times in the last month.

I'm pretty well off, and I always have been. I have a caring family and concerned friends. I've only been depressed for a bit over a month. I don't self-harm, and I've never actually attempted suicide. I have food and clean water. I live in a stable household. I can drive wherever I need to in my car. I've got a computer and a smart phone for playing games and connecting to the world. Those things are great.

But I'm still depressed, and just because I don't have you anymore. Absolutism just doesn't apply to depression. I don't care about anything but you right now, so the pain of people whose depression is more justified doesn't matter to me. All I can feel is my sadness, emptiness, and longing, not theirs.

And I can't feel your anxiety and fear. But you are still the only thing that matters to me so, even if I can't feel your anxiety, it still matters to me. At least you're better off than I am; I care about nothing except you, while you care about everything except me.

Love harms

I say that I don't self-harm.
That isn't true.
I love you.
That hurts me more than any cut.

You better be getting better

I've been giving you your space for weeks now, and you still hadn't improved that last day that I saw you. Your anxiety must be just as deep as my depression... what's prolonging it for you, though? Not seeing you is what's keeping me down. Is it being around those people that's keeping you scared?

For what it's worth, this separation better be helping you. I'm suffering every day so that you will get better. Your welfare is so much more important than I am. For every day that I hate, I hope you've enjoyed it. For every second that I cry, I hope you've laughed. For every time I have to fake a smile, I hope you've held a genuine grin on your pretty face. For every message I leave here, I hope you've read or heard something that warms your heart. For every time our memories taunt me, I hope they've reminded you of better times.

I just don't want you to be killing yourself as much as you've killed me. And I want you to get better soon so that you can save me.

International women's day

It's International Women's Day! You probably didn't know that. Well, congratulations, you're being celebrated. What I've been wondering all day is whether the day celebrates the female sex, the female gender, or both. I'd really like to be a part of it. I identify as nongender, but I want to accept my male body while I also have a strong desire to be female. It's events like this day that keep me confused and even self-loathing.

Once I broke down and cried to you about being a boy. I told you how I was sick of being a boy, how much I wanted to be a girl. Some time later, when she visited, you even tried to say to her that I was a girl inside. But I said that I don't care about being male or female. Usually that's true, but I've been wanting to be a girl much more often since I became depressed. On top of all the things I've always envied women for, I feel that there are so many things that would have gone right in our relationship if I were a woman. Men are more easily seen as intimidating. Maybe I wouldn't have been seen as so much of a threat if I were a woman. I wouldn't have felt the need to be a strong, decisive man and break up with you. In the first place, she could have had affection for me if I were a woman, so there'd be no problem to break up over. Just... everything would have been right.

You're the woman I cherish on this International Women's Day. I hope you're enjoying yourself. I hope you're happy being exactly who you want to be. Whenever you come back... the person you called your baby girl will be waiting right here.

Don't be a hero

I learned something about fitting into society this past month. Don't be a hero. You don't have the right to be a hero. Society runs off of papers and subservience, you see. In some places, the fabric of authority is unraveling or nonexistent. Maybe being a hero is more appropriate in those places. I can't comment on that, because I have no experience there. All I can say is, where the law is the law and units can be dispatched to your location, don't be a hero. You can too easily become a victim, like I have.

In no way alone

I know that I'm not alone. There are so many people who want to help me; I can't be alone when all these people are reaching out to me. There are so many people I know that are struggling with depression just like I am; I can't be alone when all these people are in the same place that I am. Even some songs sing about my emotions and situation. All these connections ensure that I am not alone.

You aren't alone. You're a recluse, but there are people who love you. I'm crazy enough to believe that you can even feel me caring about you. In those silent moments when dark thoughts envelop you, you certainly aren't alone; I suffer now the same way, so I'm in the same place. If there isn't anyone else, then there's still me.

I never want you to feel like you are alone. Loneliness is a deadly thing. We're never alone, and some day we won't be so separated either.

Whenever you're ready

I understand that you still need to recover from the trauma of bearing my emotions. Take as much time as you need. I want this suffering to end, and the solutions are your affection or death. I'll avoid death, instead hoping that your affection for me will return to you. I can struggle as long as I have hope that you'll save me.

You'll be leaving town in a few months. I think that one thing you need is some time away from the people that you have trouble calling your family. Maybe you need some time away from this city after all. I wonder how your experience with the real, unsure, scary world all alone will be like. How will that compare to what happened between us? Maybe it will put this in perspective.

You can always talk to me. I just can't talk to you, unless you ask the courts to let me. I actually feel that I'm talking enough by writing for this blog. What will make me truly happy are your responses.

Two years

until I can speak to you again
until you can hold me again
until we can hang out with our friends again
until I can know where you are again
until we can do our favorite things together again
until I can do your chores again
until I can make you laugh again
until I can stay happy again
for me to keep holding on

Guess the song

How about we play a guessing game? Below are some lyrics from different songs. Guess what songs they're from! You can just Google them, whatever XP

1. I know that I just need you like I've never done before.
2. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.
3. I would wait forever, exalted in the sea; as long as I am with you, my heart continues to be.
4. You show me how to see that nothing is whole and nothing is broken.

Made sure to use lines that didn't have the song title in them, just for extra challenge~ If you didn't search them up, leave a comment on this post with your best guesses!

Memorizing sobs

When I'm not lying to and distracting myself, I listen to a YouTube playlist of songs that describe my feelings and situation quite accurately. I titled it They Sing the Words I Can't Find. Sometimes I try to memorize their lyrics so that I can sing them to you someday. But I've encountered a pretty big problem in doing that: while I'm singing the lyrics, I get too emotional. I lose my concentration, and my singing becomes more of a wail. Sometimes I have to stop and cry. Other times I continue singing badly because tears refuse to come. Every time, I just give up on memorizing lyrics.

Well, maybe eventually I'll memorize them. Eventually I'll be able to sing them without breaking down.

The legal threat doesn't really matter

I realized the most peculiar thing. I don't really care about all this restraining order bullshit. While I'm running around filing legal papers, I don't feel any worse than I normally do. Filling out those legal forms hasn't really tossed me for an emotional beatdown. I was filling my ears with electro while typing my statement, but that's more the pain of recounting what's been done wrong. And that's probably the reason for the one typo I made.

Though, as the hearing draws nearer, I am anxious. I want to say the right things. I want you and the judge to hear and care. At the same time, I'm scared that I'll say things that will only worsen things for me, like when I talked to the police. I'm not looking forward to the continued suffering, but I know that it will probably occur whatever the ruling is. Most likely, you still won't be ready to fix this on Friday. I just don't want a restraining order to get in the way when you are ready.

I'm concerned for me. I'm concerned for you. The legal stuff on its own honestly hardly concerns me. I just want us to be okay.

Depressed isn't the worst thing

I'm somewhat relieved that I'm primarily depressed. It's better than, for example, being primarily irritable. I surely wouldn't be able to keep a smile with strangers if I were primarily irritable. And it's much better that I'm not primarily murderous. I mean, then I would actually be a threat. One more example? I'm glad that I'm not primarily vicious. There are fates worse than death, and I have no desire to bind people to those fates.

Being depressed is harmful to the people around me, but it certainly isn't the worst thing. I said I'd lie to people, and I am lying, but my mask slips away very easily. I've trained myself so well to open up to people that covering up is now difficult. Still, my efforts have helped the people around me. They're happier when they see me acting happy, laughing, indulging myself. You'd be happy around me, too; since being with me helps me overcome my depression, my coverup would be more effective.

All in all, I'm somewhat satisfied that I'm only depressed. That means that I'm not a threat. And that means that I can be with you.

How much do you see

Since you don't interact with me at all now and you don't often post anything online, I hardly know anything about how you are right now. But to know how I'm doing takes only a few clicks. I have no idea whether you're actually reading this. I have no idea whether you bother to look at your Google+ stream and see me there. It's not too hard to know my state offline, either. I talk to two of our friends in particular quite a bit, so a few inquiries to them about me would inform you.

Before I started this blog, I sent you an SMS once saying that I'd gone and visited one of those friends. He told me last week that you actually contacted him asking about my visit. But that was when you weren't so determined to show utter disregard for me. That was when you weren't afraid to +1 a GIF of a tiny turtle dancing under a stream of tap water. When I told you that you'd made me happy by +1ing that, you stopped interacting with me completely. You even blocked me on G+. It seems as if you think my suffering is a good thing.

But you unblocked me soon after. Do you not really want to hurt me? Where is the line drawn? How much are you keeping yourself from caring about me? With all these questions, there's just one thing I'm pretty sure of: you do still care about me.

Thank you for caring.

I wish to be like that

Today, I passed by a guy who was bicycling while walking his dog. He tried to extend a friendly greeting to an older couple, but they stared at him and didn't respond. I decided to comment to him, "Cute dog!" He replied, "Thanks! How's it going, man?" "Pretty good," I said as we passed each other. "Yeah, I wish I could be like you," he told me as he and his dog traveled on.

I'd said that I felt pretty good. I wish I hadn't been lying.

Who can hurt me

One person I talked to today thought that he should leave Google+ in order to avoid hurting his friends. Something like a more broad, less extreme version of my past desire to die to avoid hurting you. I convinced him to stay, telling him that communication is key. He told me that he foresaw me cursing him out and telling him to die sometime before I quit G+ myself. Can you guess why that won't happen?

The only thing that can hurt me right now is you. You're the sole reason and cure for my suffering. What other people do to damage me doesn't deeply affect me. I get frustrated when they suggest that our separation is a positive thing, because it should be quite clear that it isn't. Nowadays I'll be quite blunt with people when I'm upset, since I've been pretty blunt about my feelings in general. But, once I've finished talking to the other person, that anger disappears pretty instantly. Just as I can't stay happy for long, I can't stay upset for long. It's like sadness is the only feeling that is meaningful enough to persist. All in all, I wouldn't be able to value my wrath enough to say those things to him.

The next part is that I won't quit G+. I understand the value of communication now more than anyone else. Having people to support me adds up to let me bear my life without you. By quitting G+, I would isolate myself and simply deteriorate. I don't want that. If I were to want to die again, I wouldn't bother quitting G+ and making myself suffer further. I'd leave everything up and simply go die. I don't really want to hurt myself.

It's almost comforting to know that you're the only one who can hurt me. I know that you'd never truly want to hurt me, even if you have put me through the worst month of my life.

I love the rain

My window is open right now. I can hear the rain falling. I can hear the wet sounds of the drenched day. I've always told you that I love the rain. I understand why some wouldn't like it: it is cold, makes everything soggy, increases the chance that one will slip, splotches up glasses. But despite all that, I love the rain. There are practical reasons to like it, such as the fact that it keeps wild plants hydrated. That's fine, but I love the rain for much more than that. There's the beauty of its presence and the comfort of its sounds. There's the way that it gives purpose to a grey sky. There's the way that it transforms our dry world into something renewed. I feel like a haiku, so here is one to close this post.

From grey skies, falling,
your droplets transform my world
into what I love.

Empty indulgence

To keep up this whole lie that I'm okay, I have to not fret about the future. I'd like to have a plan, but when I try to think one up the possible failures pop up too. In my state, those thoughts of failure really rattle me. So I indulge myself completely in the present, and that's not really healthy either. Well, I've accepted that I can't really be healthy in this situation, so that's not so much of a concern. Whatever gets me by goes right now.

Indulging myself in something inconsequential feels pretty empty when you're not involved. I feel like a little kid, aimless and distracted. Better than letting myself feel my depression and stress, I guess.

A month

One month has passed since my emotions began to flare. On the first day of last month, I spent much of my time with you. When I am by your side, I feel well. I cling to you because you make me feel safe from myself. You once told me that, when you're alone and everything is silent, dark thoughts consume you. If being with me quieted those thoughts, now I completely understand why you held on to me so tightly. Holding you clears my thoughts. I love having nothing but your presence in my mind.

I didn't want to leave you, but the promise of seeing you the next day left me able to cope with being away from you. Today, the next day is much further away than it should be.

The game

I lost The Game.

Well, I had to get you back somehow for all of my suffering. That's pretty much the extent of my revenge, though. I almost feel sorry for all my readers who are going to lose The Game just because of this silly post. Then again, this sort of thing is truly unexpected on this sort of blog, so do I earn brownie points for that?

This lightheartedness is really wearing me down but, again, I'll deal with that in a few days. This isn't a game to me, but I'll go ahead and have my fun for now. It's better than dwelling on how helpless I am.

Who is there

I'm there for other people. I'm telling them not to commit suicide. I'm urging them to talk to people. I relate to them that depression is hard to overcome, and there is no one perfect way to recover from it. I prompt them to accept their feelings, like I've accepted mine, but to not use them as motivation to kill themselves.

Other people are there for me. They also give me reasons not to die. They offer to talk to me if I ever need to discuss my feelings and situation with them. A lot of them say to stay strong, not really knowing that I'm already weak and intend to stay weak, but I know they mean well. Most of them only know how depression works on the surface, and I almost don't want them to understand how it works deep inside.

I keep lying to myself and saying that you're there. Honestly, you abandoned me. You know better than to do that; you stayed with me at first, and you've stayed with others to support them. But I scared you out of your wits, and the situation seems to most like it has passed the point of recovery. I still have hope to fix this all. You'll be there in less than a week. I hope what I say sinks past your fear and into your heart.