A clouded night

Halfway through the year
and I'm still not over you.
I still don't feel all better
and this just doesn't feel right.

Halfway through the year
and I see you're not with me.
Seems that I wasn't worth it
because you're nowhere in sight.

Start of a new month
but hardly a new beginning.
It's the same storm swirling
but it's not winning this fight.

Start of a new month
but I feel old and battered.
There's so much more to live through
because you are still my light.

A distant star. A clouded night.

Fear in okay

I'm cautious when I say that I'm okay, for two reasons. One reason is that I don't want to deceive people who would like to listen. If I don't actually feel well, those people who are bothering to understand should be given the truth. The other reason is that I don't want to deceive myself. Even if I do feel okay, I don't want to say it and then think that I can do without things that have helped me.

Yesterday, I wrote that I'm okay. While I think that still stands, I must admit that I don't feel as okay today. Maybe I see that statement as a relatively long-term consideration, reaching back into the recent past and extending into the near future. If I say that I'm okay, I believe that I've been okay, and I expect to continue being okay.

I'm not particularly worried about how I feel right now. I just had a few suicidal thoughts today. They weren't too intense. I didn't seriously consider them. Nothing happened today that should have triggered those thoughts, but there doesn't really have to be justification. Still, perhaps the justification is that those thoughts serve as reminders to take care of myself, after my declaration yesterday. Reminders that I can't get ahead of myself, or those sorts of thoughts may become more of an issue. That's all.

However, I'm still confident that I'm okay. I hope that doesn't change, but I will stay alert. For the most part, I've gone through this all hoping that I'll at least be just as well the next day. I seem to have passed that uncomfortable state I was in a month ago. I'm relieved and satisfied about that.

Move on is the wrong advice

That's what I've learned from all of this. It is hardly ever right to just move on. Maybe it's best to define what I think moving on means. I think it's leaving behind, moving away, forgetting, detaching. However, the fact is that nobody can truly move on from their past or their present. They can lie about it, but that doesn't change it. Maybe people can move on from their future. Perhaps that's the only type of moving on that I accept, because the future is prone to change.

I'm not sure that things necessarily happen for a reason. That doesn't mean that we should assume that events are meaningless or simply take them as tragedies. Life may be a big, written, sectioned, timed test. The best strategy is to first try to answer the question; if that takes too long, come back to it later. Other questions may even help reveal the answer to the one you've set aside. There are some questions that won't be given until you're given the next section. Try to answer all the questions in a section before you're handed the next, or the incomplete answers will pile up. As later questions can help to answer prior ones, prior questions often build up to later answers; don't assume that all answers will simply come in time.

I feel like that metaphor is more complicated than what I actually tried to get across. Instead of moving on from an event that you consider to be an issue, try to find the lessons in and solution to it. If you can't see the solutions now, set the issue aside but do not forget it. Consider the issue regularly, but not incessantly. There are other events that you need to tend to daily. Even if you've come to a conclusion, don't be afraid to reevaluate and reaffirm it. It is not a bad thing to think, especially with a wonderful mind like yours.

The biggest difference between life and a written test is that your answers to events in life, or lack thereof, affect other lives. When my answer was, "End it with her, because she's not loyal enough," it changed your life. When your answer was, "Don't stay by him, because he's making me worse," it changed my life. Learning from life takes a lot of effort. Resolving issues takes a lot of effort. Moving on can take effort, but without teaching nor resolving. It's a waste, leaving useless blanks.

Your solution to my distress is a huge blank that you left. I can't make you fill it in. I can only ask you to look at it.

I'm okay

When I was in high school, somebody came to me and asked, "Why are you always smiling?" I blinked and said I didn't know. I often saw a boy on campus who was always frowning. I wondered to myself, "What's he always frowning about?" I never talked to him, though. I figured it wasn't my business.

When I first took the plunge into depression, I stopped smiling. I wasn't comfortable with them anymore. I felt like every smile I gave was too ingenuine to exist. And I did fake many, many smiles. When I was being genuine, I was always frowning. I only felt comfortable while frowning. That must be the answer for those questions asked years ago. Why was I always smiling? Because that's what I felt comfortable with. Why was he always frowning? Because that's what he felt comfortable with. Those were our genuine expressions.

Saying that I was okay or fine was always a lie. I was afraid of lies. Even when I was faking a smile, I usually couldn't bring myself to say that I was fine or okay. I'd be very vague, even preferring other lies. "You know," I'd say to friends who I knew had no idea. There came a time when that passed, when I let myself handle the big lie.

However, I feel that saying that I'm okay is not so deceitful anymore. I can often say it and mean it. I can also truthfully say that I'm not okay. I know that I'm still not where I was when we were together. I don't expect to be that okay without you. I'm relieved that I am some part okay, though, and that part is big enough that saying so doesn't feel like a lie. I'm glad that my smiles feel genuine too, because I can be happy. It doesn't matter that my private frowns still ring true.

When I'm not paying attention, I still don't smile. However, I don't frown as severely as I used to. You can say that my expression is often neutral, even. Is such unhappiness the reason other people don't idly smile? Is it a part of life, inevitable even, to experience emotional trauma? Even as I regret losing you, I end up being thankful for this experience. I understand something entirely different. You can even say that I'm a person now. If I could change the past, I would still change it. Since what happened has happened, though, I have only our future to look toward. I will try to use everything I've learned.

Accidentally long shower

You know I take long baths. That's especially true when you're with me. Sorry, showers. You get mildly annoyed when I call it a bath. But yeah, I went in this evening around 9:00 and spent an hour and a half cleaning up. Forget climate change, I'm probably the main cause of the state drought.

Of course, you're not the only reason that I take long showers. That has been a habit of mine since long before I met you. Another reason today was because of my hair. For years I'd just let loose hair come out in the shower and down the drain, then be surprised and annoyed when the drain clogged. You taught me to stick the loose hair on the wall to dispose of later. Thoroughly removing my loose hair can take a while some days. You didn't have that problem because your hair is actually shorter than mine.

Since you don't have the aversion to loose hair that I do, you'd ball up our hair in your hand right after we showered. I used to use a paper towel to collect the hair. Wasteful, but that's how I felt comfortable doing it. Now I wait until the hair has dried and just wipe if off the wall into my hand.

I was also thinking. I was thinking about what I really wanted to say tonight, and how to say it. I did come up with a few topics, but as usual I don't know how to word most of them. Brainstorming was one of the main reasons I decided to step into the water now instead of midnight, actually. I probably should have taken an actual bath, for water efficiency. I do feel a bit bad about an hour and a half of wasted water. I didn't expect to take quite that long, though.

So, in a way, you can say that you're still a reason for me to take long showers. I wonder if you'll mind showering together when we're friends again? After we broke up, you once had me stay in your bathroom while you showered so we could chat, even undressing in front of me. Your reasoning was that I've done more than just see that body so there was nothing to hide. I love the way you think.

I wonder how reading this will make you feel. There isn't a particular way that I want you to feel about my little shower stories. There isn't a reason to write about this to begin with, but I don't see a good reason not to. Something brought you to this sentence, at any rate. If you bothered to read this, I'm sure you'll bother to read another message.

Both weakness and strength

Weak, to avoid death.
Strong, to embrace life.
Each at their own time,
in their rightful place.

I'm saving myself

Let me clear this up right now. I understand exactly why you're gone. You stayed by me for a short while, dragging me away from suicide. On the beach, you told me that we could be romantically involved again. You took that back. You told me we could be best friends. I tried to just accept that, but I doubted my will to live without your love. I realized that I was saying too much to you for nothing. I went to therapy. It helped me. But it was too late. That evening, you stopped talking to me.

You're gone because I didn't improve quickly enough. I thought I needed you to be even closer to even keep breathing. I was wrong. Look at me now, months later. I am alive, even though I'm probably dead to you. Look at me now. I'm managing and even enjoying life, even though you're not lessening my burdens. Look at me. The only place you are in my life is in my heart, yet I'm still using you to get better.

I think that perhaps I'm as well as I'll ever be without you here. I think I can push myself through this world without you here. However, I don't want to. The reason I'm still going is so that I'm well enough for you to take my side again. I'm aiming to be able enough that you can hold my hand without having me drag you down. This hurts. My feelings hurt.

I am bleeding from innumerable slices across the skin of my life. The apathy of depression is a drug that removes the pain, but also removes the grip from my hands. My will is a hot iron that I use to cauterize my wounds. To keep my life from bleeding out, I cannot just dose up on apathy. But endure too many burns at once and I'll black out, dropping the iron, while wounds open up again. Nobody else can hold that iron. Nobody else can close my wounds. The most anyone can do to help is keep me awake. The voice I hear loudest is yours.

The words from those who are placing themselves right next to me sound raspy and puny. Yet even just the echo of you in my heart chimes clearly, though distantly. If you were with me, holding my hand, I could stay awake, perhaps even burn all these wounds shut. If your echo has brought me this far, then maybe your presence would bring me the rest of the way. That's why I have this to say.

Please. I think I've done enough on my own.

I was her friend

There was a time when she and I texted comfortably. I don't have any of those texts anymore, since I had to reset my phone and the texts were too old for MightyText to keep in archive for free. There were a few topics we conversed on that I remember pretty clearly though.

We talked about religion. She told me that she is Wiccan, and I told her that I was Christian. Sounds like we have a huge difference in belief, but we don't. I believe it possible that she can light a candle with a snap of her fingers. More generally, we believe in magic. I think I brought up the time you threw a dalmation figurine at a glass and the figurine somehow ended up inside the glass. We both believe in spirits. I told her about the seance I held with you and our friends. She said that was more of a gypsy thing. What makes me particularly smile when remembering that conversation is that she thanked me for noting that it was a safe seance. Most Christians automatically label seances as unsafe and demonic regardless of method, and many teens who give seances a shot don't take precautions and do create a potentially dangerous situation. You can understand her relief in my position.

After you, my brother, and I watched Divergent in theaters, I remember texting her about it. As I recall, she's read the books. We talked about what factions we'd be in. She and I agreed that we'd fit into Erudite for our intelligence. However, I said that I probably wouldn't actually choose that faction. If Dauntless drops members through a series of rigorous tests of bravery and combat prowess, I'm sure Erudite would drop me for being lazy. I suggested that her laziness would threaten her too were she to join Erudite, especially because they'd probably have videogames available to them. She said the videogames would be seal the deal for her decision. Now I'm not sure whether I'd risk joining Erudite or give myself to Abnegation.

Finally, I remember a time when she confided in me. She told me that she was having an issue with how you were acting with her. I can't remember exactly what the issue was, but I don't want to remember precisely anyway. She talked to me about it at night while you were asleep. I listened to her, consoled her, talked about it. I fell asleep while texting, though. If you hadn't found out about that conversation, I probably wouldn't be talking about it now; I may have forgotten. But that morning, after having sex with me, you borrowed my phone to mess with some apps. The screen unlocked right to our conversation. You saw everything, even saw a text that she'd sent when I was asleep. You got very upset that we'd had this private conversation about you.

After we broke up, you tried to tell me that I didn't actually care about her. You said I was only interested in her body. No, she was a dear friend that I loved. She was a wonderful friend to me. Until the day she realized where her attractions lie. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised at what she kept from me. I shouldn't have been upset with her. I shouldn't have transformed it into a test of loyalty for you. I expect her to never regard me as a friend again. Sometimes I think terrible things about her, too. However, when I look at the relationship she and I had as a whole, I still see her as a friend. She is still a person that I care about. She isn't an enemy for being a liar. She's imperfect like any human, like myself. She deserves nothing less than kindred regard.

K project

As with Blue Exorcist, the first episode of K didn't quite catch me. However, I have to admit that a scene from the preview at the end of it convinced me to continue immediately.

That girl is a cat, simply called Neko. She belongs to a schoolboy named Yashiro Isana. Yashiro, or Shiro for short, lives on an islet at the boarding school that occupies it. Every student he comes across, often to mooch food off of, likes him. His personality is subdued and kindred. All is normal at the near-future Japanese campus, with its cleaning bots that yell at trash to die, but then Shiro is asked to run some errands in town. There, he's attacked by hoodlums wielding red flames, and saved by a swordsman who battles not with his blade but with arms of midnight-blue energy extended from his own hands.

Can I take a moment to say how adorable this scene is? You should see the Shiro's face in the previous shot! Anyway, once the ship has begun to sail and the two get to a safe rooftop, the swordsman, known as the Black Dog, draws his sword on Shiro. A video a person took one night ended up having recorded him being shot to death. The shooter is a man who claims to be Yashiro Isana, the seventh, colorless king. The shooter looks exactly like Shiro as well. Kuroh has come to the conclusion thus that Shiro is an evil king and, by his master's orders, is determined to execute Shiro. But Shiro doesn't remember committing the crime.

I'm glad that a cat convinced me to continue this series. Of course, the cat alone would have driven me away from it. Combined with beautiful (blushing) boys, supernatural abilities, and mystery, though, Neko heightened my curiosity just to the point that I couldn't just stop watching. Immediately after the first episode, much more humor becomes apparent, starting with Shiro's handling of his execution. Relationships develop and are revealed. The workings of these powers and the concept of the kings are brought out in stages. And the soundtrack is swanky, though at some places incorrectly applied. There's a track played during a helicopter scene that's just so perfect the first time! But I'll let you get to that on your own. I'd rather give you the opening!

Judging by the opening songs of other anime you like, I think this is your thing. ^.^ And as you can see there's a plentiful cast of pretty boys. I'm wondering if you did a double-take, "Was that Axel?" Because that was my first thought upon seeing the Red King. Guess it's inevitable when you've got crimson, spiky hair and flame powers. Another quick note on franchises I've been reminded of. Factions and flame powers? Couldn't help but have Katekyo Hitman Reborn! pop into my head. Not that K should be compared to those two, really. This action-mystery anime that dresses scifi as supernatural should be regarded in its own domain. I'm very sure that you'll enjoy this anime when you put some time aside for it!

God could be depressed

It can be argued that recent times have been godless. Who knows how far you want to stretch "recent times" to encompass. There doesn't seem to have been any sort of divine intervention on a biblical scale. You and I know that there have been miracles, but many feel that so-called blessings aren't widespread enough. The general consensus appears to be that, for an all-powerful creator, God doesn't care to do enough.

My response to that is that we don't understand God. We can't hope to understand God. He acts beyond the bounds of our wisdom and comprehension. But here's a thought: maybe that's a problem. Many reject God's will. Some are ambivalent to it. People of the Book accept it. Who is there to truly understand God's will? Nobody. How many supposed followers are truly doing good for their fellow humans? Arguably not enough. And how does He feel about that?

Nobody understands. Nobody helps enough. Nothing you do is enough. You waste everything you're given. You scare and burden people. You're a killer. It's all your fault. The world would be better off without you.

Depressed people have so much potential. They can do so much when their depression isn't getting the best of them. A depressed God would make a lot of sense. It wouldn't be that He can't help, or that He has some grand plan. He'd simply be terribly discouraged from doing anything. What's the point of doing anything? Something always goes wrong. Someone always drags the world back down. This isn't a theory I'm going to subscribe to, just an interesting thought to entertain. It came to me when I recalled these lyrics:

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is godliness, and God is empty just like me.

Netflix has those shows you love

After finishing another anime today, I went browsing through Netflix for new ones to watch when I've got time. One of the newer additions to the roster is Bill Nye the Science Guy, no kidding. Markiplier seems real excited about that. I'm only bringing that up because Marki brought it up, I know you're quite sick of that show. But Netflix also has some other lovely additions since you and I last bothered to search your favorites. I'll list 3 that I know you love.

Criminal Minds

When you searched with me, Netflix only had a movie. Sometime between then and now they got the actual show on their roster! Since I saw Gideon in the S1:E1 thumbnail I had reason to believe their archive starts at the beginning. A quick Google tells me that the first nine seasons have been up on Netflix since August of last year. Wow, we should have thought of looking twice! I love what I know of the show, so I know this is something I'll have to resist binge-watching now that I'm aware of its availability.

House, M.D.

Netflix has more than one of your favorite doctors. All 8 seasons of House and his adventures, medical and otherwise, have been available since April of last year. I've seen the beginning and I've seen the end, and I've certainly seen enough to be familiar with House and the characters who have been in his department. Now I can fill in the holes in my knowledge with my Netflix subscription. Since the series ended in 2012, there's absolutely no rush to fill in the holes in my series knowledge; it's not going anywhere, hopefully. I'll certainly have fun watching this on the occasion.

Psych

This show we did find before we separated, and we watched a few random episodes of it. You've seen absolutely every episode of this one. I have to admit that I haven't so adamantly been catching up on Psych, but I've watched one occasionally, hopping around. I believe in the last episode I saw Shawn and Gus infiltrated a posh facility for the mentally unstable. Shawn was a great nut, which comes as no surprise. Wasn't this also the last show we watched together? I think it was playing as I looked up places for us to dine at, before our last outing. Psych came up in my consciousness again recently as I discovered that it is one of the few shows that has referenced Supernatural. I'll pop a few more episodes soon, I'm sure.

So visit me, visit her, or get your own subscription and you can enjoy any episode of any of these shows that you'd like. And, of course, there's much more to watch, too. I've got a few more anime to try on Netflix, then I've got Criminal Minds in my sights. All the while I've got to make sure to keep to my responsibilities. I'm relieved to be able to live so normally now.

I'm not angry for this

I'm not angry at you for not staying by me. I know you were led into this course of action. I can't feel anger during this depression anyway. It should be clear that I wouldn't be angry at you right now. What might be questionable is whether I was ever angry at you since we broke up.

I was angry at you once. Surely you remember that. I was trying to find another relationship, with the person I could trust most. I told you who that person was. She was already in a relationship, so you told her about my interest before I was able to confess. That was to keep her from being "blindsided". When you told me that you'd already told her, we three were driving to hang out at my house. I had planned to confess to her there. Instead, I was the one blindsided. I was so angry that I yelled at you to get out of my car. You insisted on at least being taken to your mom. I dropped you off there.

I was angry, but that didn't quite have to do with not staying by me. When I gave you the ultimatum between your two loves and you let me down, I wasn't angry at you. As we went along being friends, I often acted like a jerk, but that wasn't to vent anger. It was to create distance while you became independent and I looked for a healthy relationship. I wasn't angry when you stopped talking to me, either. I was scared for my well-being. Ever since you stopped listening, I've been scared.

This doesn't make me angry. This scares me. Maybe if you knew that you would act like the best friend you said you were to me.

Precipitation unheard

Droplets float lightly;
precipitation, unheard,
felt only outside.

Tengen toppa gurren lagann

Pierce the Heavens, Gurren Lagann!

Above is Shimón, whose name is suspiciously close to that of everyone's favorite Disney meerkat. Like the meerkat, he lives in an underground village and his place in that village is to dig holes. He's largely an outcast, particularly unattractive to the girls. He has a hand in causing quite a bit of trouble for the village. That's where most of the similarities end, though. Unlike our meerkat, Shimón is the best digger in the village. He's only dragged into the mischief of his buddy and older-brother-figure Kamina. The poor boy's parents aren't alive to be concerned about how he's treated by the village. The existence of a surface is treated as a myth by the village.

One last difference: Shimón's adventure begins at home. He often discovers neat knicknacks while digging, such as the little drill above. That's just one part of the find, though; he also excavates a big metal head in the ground. Before he can show his bro Kamina, a much bigger metal head crashes through the ceiling of the village, flooding it with sunlight. This face isn't inactive, though, and it starts to wreck the village. A girl with an energy rifle swings in by rope to help, adding to the confusion. After brief introductions - the girl is named Yoko - Shimón brings Kamina and Yoko to the face he found. His drill begins to glow, and he's able to activate the face with it; the three jet out of the tunnels inside atop the mech-head and manage to flying-uppercut the enemy head right back up to the surface. Shimón and Kamina see a view like they have never seen before.

This post-apocalyptic scifi anime just gets better from there, as Shimón leaves his home with Pumba and Simba Kamina and Yoko, adventuring into the big, wide world. This anime both expounds on stereotypes and blasts expectations away, providing a commendable balance of moments that you totally saw coming and moments that will likely blindside you. The world of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is slowly unearthed with each episode, the methodical madness woven into an impressive tapestry. Your biggest question may be, "Giant face robots, what the hell?" That actually does get answered, don't worry.

If you're still not sure whether to watch, how about giving the intro a play? I just love it.

So, that's all my words of praise! Watch this anime and I guarantee you'll be pleasantly surprised by it!

Memorial day

It sounds wrong to say, "Happy Memorial Day!" It's specifically a day commemorating our soldiers' deaths. Can't really be happy about that unless you're an anarchist or have no regard for a warrior's life. Makes sense to be proud, but Memorial Day celebrations aren't usually stoic in nature. Cookouts, alcohol, et cetera. Then again, perhaps indulging in the freedoms that the armed forces protect is an appropriate way to appreciate the lives given for it.

Mom grilled up some steak. We also slapped steak sauce on some veggie patties for me and cooked them on tin foil above the grill. When the patties were cooked, Mom set them on the actual grill to give them racing stripes. It's really crazy how much the flavor of the meat I used to eat was actually just the sauce! The patties were delicious. My brother enjoyed his fill of steak, so I'd say it was delicious too. Also had some white rice with peas and carrots. I've been avoiding white rice, but I piggily grabbed a few servings of the stuff. Mom also made a medley of vegetables, main ingredient being string beans. I ate that right up, too. Yeah, I didn't really limit my plate today. Heheh.

The only special part we made of today was making the food, though. We didn't all sit together to eat. Sorry, we're not that patriotic. Actually, it was my brother's idea to cook today. And he's supposed to be the unsentimental one! My mom thinks he was just thinking of the food, not the holiday. Probably true, but I'll choose to think he cared about the day. I finished yet another anime, Samurai Champloo. I really liked it, especially the soundtrack, but I don't think you'd care enough to watch. So I won't be writing up a recommendation for that one. I've still got Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann to write up, after all!

What'd you do today? It wasn't too sunny, but did your uncle invite you for a get-together anyway? I hope you ate as much delicious food as I did and enjoyed time you spent with your family. Even sans family, you got today off from school. It's always nice to get time off school. It's been nice for me because for once I haven't had school assignment to worry about. Yep, it happens once every 10 weeks, haha. I get right back into another module tomorrow, though. Since my bro's back to school too, I'm assuming you are. Hope you've been able to relax!

Another outing with bro and mom

The passed day, my little brother and I took my mom out for shopping! First stop was the mall downtown and, within that, the food court. My brother neglected to eat before we left, so he was starving. I wasn't opposed; it'd been a few hours since I'd eaten, so whatever. First thing I noticed is that the Wetzel's Pretzels there was shuttered, its outside stripped! I instantly regretted not getting pretzels there while it was open just last month. I know that's sad news for you too. Let us mourn the loss of the dear store together. =[

My bro got some crispy shrimp, which he liked the taste of but which gave him a stomach ache. I had my first Panda Express ever: mixed vegetables with eggplant tofu and two veggie spring rolls. Well, that was the order. At first they didn't have fresh mixed vegetables, so I waited on that. When they got the vegetables, they only had one spring roll left over. I decided, what the heck, I'd wait some more. And so I waited such a long time that they gave me these cheese-filled scrumps apologetically. I ended up just taking the last spring roll. The food was delicious, even if the frying pans didn't align for me, haha.

Hitting up Hot Topic, I snagged a two shirts I liked on clearance. One has 12 of the Doctor's mugs lined up on it. I could have gotten a snazzy shirt with Clara and on it accompanied by words of mystique and praise in French. But you know that neither Clara nor French are my favorites. In retrospect, I feel bad that none of those shirts had Capaldi on it. I need to get a shirt with him on it as soon as I can, because I am really satisfied with his Doctor.

The other says "smile, your life is tolerable" (sans comma). I hope it's true for anyone that sees me wearing it. It's definitely more acceptable than saying life's good, and at the least it's funny in a slightly dark way. The shirt is more advice for myself than for anyone else, though. My little brother got a soft, light scarf decorated with police boxes. My mom got a pocket mirror with Arial on it. While the mirror is cute, why get something like that when you can use your smart phone screen these days? Anyway, there were a lot of other options, but we didn't want to drain Mom's purse too much.

Unsurprisingly, the World of Warcraft merch my mom was hoping for was absent at Hot Topic. Physical WoW products were also absent from the GameStop next door. We could have checked out a store called Comics and Stuff, but by that time my mom was too discouraged. Sorry Mom, I should have gotten you into a game that was actually cool. Haha. Anyway, we had more parking garage adventures. You'd think I'd have the structure down by now, but no. While we didn't get lost per se, we didn't really make our way straight back to the car. The thing is that we started in a weird place, but I made our way to somewhere I recognized from my previous excursions. All was well!

We went to Costco to pick up food for today, Memorial Day. We'll be making a nice little dinner, you see. My mom got really uptight about me riding in the shopping cart, so if I can help it I will no longer take her with me and my brother to places with shopping carts. >.> We also went to the bakery for sweetbread and donuts. Since I rejected sweetbread for myself, I instead indulged in a slice of carrot cake. When I opened the container, the carrot-shaped icing popped right off the cake and stuck to the lid. That was just somehow funny. The carrot had a weird texture! The cake was yummy, anyway, and everyone at home at least liked it. Sorry you didn't get a bite.

That's it for yesterday. I've been watching Samurai Champloo, and I didn't leave myself enough time for two messages. I started on the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann recommendation, but I realized that I wouldn't get it done so I switched over to this. That recommendation will come out today, promise. By the way, today is also International Towel Day, so I hope you know where your towel is! Take care~

All is wrong

In this mind, all is wrong.
The truth is sadness, wrong.	My lie is blind faith, wrong.
This pain is nothing, wrong.	A smile is short-lived, wrong.
To embrace demise, wrong.	To pursue lost love, wrong.
Which wrong will make it right?

11-hour sleep

I went to bed at midnight last night. Woke up nearly at midday! That's to be expected when you stay awake for so long. I actually feel pretty fantastic having done that. It definitely doesn't feel like I went a full day without sleeping! Maybe I should do that more often, who knows? Maybe that was a good choice out of the ones I made the past few days.

It would be pretty radical to choose not to sleep every day. There isn't even a good reason to do it except that I can. Isn't it unhealthy, anyway? I'll think more about it, and I'm not set on staying up tonight. Could go either way. I might be feeling effects after all, because I forgot to put the proper permalink on my last message and some Blogger stupidness won't let me put the right one on this message either. I wish I could automate the permalinking on Blogger as I like it, or have not such a permanent link and be able to change it if I mess up, but that's one of the few things I can't do here.

The dogs were a topic that deserved its own message, but there are other little things that I'd like to share right now. One of those things is that my grandma found a little device the other day. It looks like the quesadilla maker, but its inside is deep and flat and the device is really quite small. Whatever the cooker's intended purpose is, it is great for toasting sandwiches! I put together a sandwich yesterday, popped it in the powered little thing, and closed the lid. After a few minutes, I opened the cooker up to find the bread toasted and the contents nice and warm. And, of course, the sandwich was delicious! Thinking about it makes me want to make another this instant.

However, I have another bread-encased meal in mind. We have been getting bolio loafs lately and I haven't bothered to eat many. It's a bit of a hassle to slice and fill them, and a whole loaf is bigger than what I should be eating anyway. I've been watching an anime named Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and it's got a lot to do with drills. The shape of a drill reminded me of half of a bolio. Half of a bolio reminded me of bread bowls. And thus I came at my next meal idea: cut the bolio in half, push open a cavity in the bolio, and stuff the bolio with whatever! I chose cheese and beans as my filling. I stuck the bolio in the toaster oven, wedging it upright in the grill. It got burnt at the top, but it didn't fall over or spill in any way, it was easy to hold, and it was yummy. I'll use that other half when I'm finished writing here, heat it at a lower temperature, and use shredded cheese instead of string cheese. I feel like I should give this meal a name, to differentiate it from a stuffed full-size bolio.

I was considering calling it Tengen Toppa. That translates to pierce the heavens. I feel like my meal isn't worthy of such a name, though, even if it is in reference to the anime. Could just call it a drill, but is it conical enough to be worthy of such a name? Anyway, I finished watching Gurren Lagann today. It is fantabulous! And now I understand that one of the first jokes made in Lucky Star was a reference to Gurren Lagann. The joke was hilarious on its own, but it's even funnier knowing that the punchline was a reference to an actual anime. The Lucky Star anime is only 7 days older than Gurren Lagann, actually; they aired at the same time. That must have been absolutely hilarious for viewers who watched as the series were first aired! I almost feel like I missed out 8 years ago, but hey, better late than never.

I'll write about Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann tomorrow. This is an anime definitely worth publicly recommending. I would have written about it today, but there were too many other things that I wanted to say. Guess that bit of silence did me some good, made me want to open up again! I'm refreshed and pretty happy. I hope you're feeling well too!

Dog updates

I have three adorable little dogs. That statement is more for my supporters than for you. You know my dogs very well, two boys and a girl. I'm going to keep even them anonymous on here. Anyway, stuff has been up with the dogs lately, and I certainly think you'd like to hear about it.

First of all, our little girl isn't feeling so well. Yesterday her lower jaw was completely matted in gooey saliva. When given a treat, she would take it into her mouth but not chew, dropping it back out of her mouth covered in slobber. I washed her head and cut her chin fur short. The fur on her chin looks better short, but the reason for cutting it was so that it'd be easier to clean the drool off. We had no idea what's keeping the poor girl from keeping her mouth shut and from eating. Today I'm told that she had bled from her mouth while I was asleep. That finally prompted my mom to take her, accompanied by my brother, to the vet.

Apparently a cut on the inside of the doggy's mouth was the cause of all this. We and the vet are hoping that her gums aren't infected, but I think her inability to keep her mouth shut means her gums are inflamed and that's a sign of infection. It's a good sign, though, that she isn't drooling as much today. She isn't eating solids, however. I gave her a bath when she came back from the vet. The boys found their way into the bathroom and started sniffing her, even though I turned the water on their faces. The older one actually jumped in with her, so I gave him a bath too. Silly dog.

Speaking of that dog, look what he did to me this evening.

My stepdad was getting some serious growls when trying to take burrs out of that boy's paw. As I'm more respected by those dogs than anyone else in the house, I decided to give it a try. More growls from the impudent dog, plus teeth-baring, and finally the attack. It's not the first time he's bitten me. Partially out of the knowledge that moving your hand worsens a bite and partly to show him how little his biting affected me, I held my hand still until he let go. My mom and stepdad tried to make some point about leaving the dogs alone, but I was half expecting him to bite me anyway so I didn't care at all.

After sternly delivering reprimanding words to the pup, I left to wash my hands. Then I returned to removing the burrs. This time, he stayed relatively quiet. He didn't give me any more trouble. The reason he thinks he's got a place to growl and attack is because my mom and stepdad give him that place. When he doesn't want to be touched or moved, and he starts to bare his fangs, they just back off. With domesticated animals it seems that you have to stand your ground. They won't respect you if they can scare you. That dog takes effort.

The third dog is doing just fine. The boys are very concerned for our girl, and of course this one's way of showing it is by licking her incessantly. Sometimes she's been in the mood to spook him off though. You should see him when she growls at him. When the other boy growls at him, he approaches slowly and fearlessly, growling back. When the girl growls, he jumps back a foot. He's too concerned to run away but too spooked to get near, so he makes quick hops around interrupted by his intense staring at her. That furball gets so intensely jerked around when he feels two different ways about something. The dog even whines with indecision and fear. Can't blame him, you know how scary the little girl looks when she bares her teeth. Scarier than the boys, to be sure.

Well, that's how they're doing. I'm not horrible myself, just my skin hurts a bit from the bites. I'm sure the puppies would be very happy to see you walk through the door again. Someday you'll let them jump on your legs again, won't you?

Oh woah, state of abnormality

I've been awake for nearly 30 hours straight. I'm not trying to brag or something, just stating the fact. I could go to sleep right now, and I could have at any point in the passed day. I just didn't go to sleep. I didn't care enough to go to sleep. I've just been up, either programming or watching shows. There were some times when I let myself nearly doze off during a show, but I could continue to be up.

Things aren't normal with me, obviously. Maybe it's better to think of normality as less of a single state and more as several states, each with a certain degree of normalcy and comfort, a certain blend and structure of activity. What's different? First off, I'm not going out of my way to help people. I'm hardly even going out of my way to talk to people. Instead, I've been programming pretty intensely. I mostly haven't even been coding with the goal of creating a system or program. I've been coding just to implement concepts, to make very non-specific stuff that has a lot of potential uses. You can call them utilities. For the things that I'm doing that aren't uncommon, I feel like I'm doing them in strange proportions. Programming, watching anime, preparing and eating food, and sleeping are habits that haven't manifested in the correct ratios. Like I said, intense programming and no sleep. Food-making has been less frequent and efforted for me. I'm not iterating through so many episodes of anime in a sitting.

Not all of that immediately appears bad. In many ways, I don't really think any of that is particularly bad. I just don't want to feel lost. I want to stop changing in ways that matter only enough to make life feel different, that don't matter enough to improve living. It's weird to think outside the axis of getting better and getting worse. The easiest way to compare today to a year ago is to say that it's worse, so I expect things to become better again or stay worse. It isn't surprising that the current changes hardly mean anything to me. The surprise to me is that they don't actually do anything to me.

Because of all this, I've decided to revert. No more doing what I feel like. I should regain the structure and composure that I had just a few days ago. Very importantly, that means restoring my writing frequency. I won't try to make up for the posts I've missed. One can't take back time, only use more time to pretend to do it over. This experience isn't worth so little that I would try to cover it up by writing in the stead of what should have been written. Two posts each day again, starting tomorrow.

No all-nighter. I should say hi to my friends. Less programming, more effort into food, a bit more anime-watching, and a good night's sleep. Let's see if I can pull it off, being more normal tonight.