This day's smiles

This day saw me smile.
This day saw you smile.

It did not see us smile.

Surprise visits

I managed to catch our favorite YouTuber's Twitch stream today. I was surprised. Firstly, I was sure his graphics card would be having some stupid problem, like it has the last few days I tried to tune in. Secondly, I arrived half an hour late. I thought it would have already been over, somehow forgetting how long League of Legends matches actually take. Participating in the streaming experience by viewing and chatting with him, his fellow players, and my fellow viewers was a new and fun experience for me. Ended up subbing to a girl whose hair I am totally jealous of. She's apparently known for streaming RuneScape, and I figure I might watch sometime for nostalgia's sake.

My cousins, including my favorite, decided to pop by today. They were supposed to come in the afternoon; as is the tendency of my family, they came I think around 4, in the late afternoon. Gave me plenty of time to prepare, to be sure, yet somehow I neglected to put on pants before they arrived. No, I wasn't strutting about pantsless, I just didn't come to the door right away. Better than some times when I hide in my room from visitors. I think I'm done with that habit, honestly. Part of that may be that I don't want anyone to visit my room in the state that it's in.

I invited my favorite cousin to watch some Netflix with me. Scrolling through my list, I came upon RWBY and prompted that as an option. I haven't seen the show in a while, and I like how the volumes are compiled on Netflix. We went ahead and watched, and she really likes the series! I didn't ask exactly what she liked, but then again, what's not to like? The answer to that would be moments of lazy animation, but I think you'll agree that everything else makes up for that.

She and I are both very quiet viewers. Sometimes I found myself questioning whether she was enjoying watching because she wouldn't really comment or laugh outright. However, there were certainly some chuckles, and she did want to catch every moment of the show. My aunt and uncle interrupted us a few times; they clearly haven't learned the etiquette that my little brother and I have taught our parents. My cousin specifically missed the scene where flustered Jaune badgers near-nude Ren for girl advice, because my aunt spontaneously wanted to chat. Had to rewind to rewatch that whole sequence over, which personally I don't mind. I like Ren's model~

Since my cousin is staying the night, I invited her to come with me to the recital tomorrow, and subsequent dining. Two of my friends have confirmed that they are coming with me. Actually, I leave to pick everyone up in a little over 12 hours. She said she'd like to go, which may kind of be a given since there isn't a whole ton for her to do otherwise. I'm excited to go, and I feel very comfortable going with these three people being with me. I'm sure it will be fun!

In the stream, that YouTuber said that he is tempted to do a 24-hour stream. His streams since he started back up have only been LoL and CoD, so I suggested that if he does do a day-long stream he should include a Minecraft segment. Obviously I had you in mind when I suggested this. I'm sure he'll throw that in, given how good of a fan you are! Since you're done with school soon, you'll be able to catch as much of the 24-hour stream as you can bear. If I could, I would specifically tell you when he's on his Minecraft segments. That's kinda illegal though.

Hope today's been as nice for you as it's been for me. I usually say that whenever I have a good day, don't I? Well, it's true, I always do hope that for you. Take care!

End of your birthday

Yesterday I got hit with a whole lot of missing you. You know, before that day I was actually considering buying some red velvet batter and baking an itty bitty cake for your birthday, just for me and my family to enjoy. Then I realized how sad it is to bake a cake for someone who's not even talking to you, fully expecting that person to never even see it. The words of a certain cat from a Dreamworks animation came to mind: "You are better than this!"

This is the first birthday of yours that I've been absent for since I met you. The months of just being starkly without you have given me time to accept that I won't be able to spend such days with you, but I still wish I hadn't screwed up. Nobody in my family bothered to wish you happy birthday. My little brother either is truly too shy or he blames you for what I've gone through and is too bitter about it. I figure my mom is afraid of stirring something up.

Yeah, my day wasn't great. To be honest, I don't even care about how I felt today. It looks like you enjoyed your birthday, and that matters to me. I'm only talking about how I felt here because I do need to acknowledge how I feel. Most of what I'm feeling in the end is happiness that you seem to be well. I'm not saying that ingenuinely. Knowing that you're happy does make me happy, at least to an extent.

So I hope you had a nice birthday, got neat presents, ate yummy cake, and got lots of birthday wishes from friends. I hope it was all so fun that you're plumb tuckered out and fast asleep right now. I hope that midnight marked the end of a happy birthday for you.

Happy birthday to you

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.~~~||~~~.
|        |
| ♥ HAPPY|
|BIRTHDAY|
|~~~~~~~~|
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'--------'

Make a wish and blow out the candle!

Left you with love

I knew that you'd be okay because I left you with love.

At least you were there

If you'd abandoned me
right away,

I probably wouldn't be
here today.

I let my frailty take the wheel

But maybe I'm a little bit weak.
I let my frailty take the wheel.

She said,
"Maybe there's a better me waiting for a better you, baby."

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Middle of Nowhere as performed by the band Hot Hot Heat.

Not so bad for overcast

I haven't come down from feeling good. That's sure saying something, because normally having a blanket of light grey over my sun really bums me out! By normally, I mean before-all-this-shit normally. I'm really saying something here. I'm really satisfied with how I'm feeling.

Can't help but wonder if there's more to it than, "I just feel good." Not some ulterior motive, no, but some catalyst. Maybe all the good stuff in my life is finally having some effect on me. I mean, count it up: romance, friends, school, home, food, health, music. Yeah, I'm thinking even the music I've discovered lately has boosted my mood. I was thinking before that I just appreciate those things more now because I'm feeling better. Perhaps it's the other way around and those things are what helped me to finally feel better. After all, holding onto something meaningful that hasn't been here has dragged me through, so why shouldn't lots of things that are right around me help to push?

That sort of wondering doesn't hurt, but I wonder if it's not worth thought anyway. As with those days during depression when I'd inexplicably feel better for a run, should I just take it without questioning? For those days, the questioning was paranoia. For these days, the questioning is simply curiosity. Yet would it be better to redirect the little bit of effort away from wonder and toward enjoyment? My answer is yeah. If I have to ask about it, I can always do it here, with you.

Again extraordinary

Remember I used to talk about having extraordinary days? Those sorts of days are now very common for me, while bad days are not so common. The good days were always underlined with doubt and paranoia, but they were certainly better than the regular stream of depression. The only problem with having that every day is that the underline becomes more pronounced and frustrating, as I've mentioned recently.

Today was actually really great. I didn't feel doubtful or paranoid or frustrated. I laughed and didn't second-guess how genuine it was. I laughed easily, but I could tell that it was because I was giddy and not because I felt helpless. Do you know how great that difference in feeling is? It's fantastic.

Many days I feel okay I wonder, "How long is this going to last?" Today, no such concern. My only consideration is that I should keep helping myself, as always. My experience has made me pretty sensitive to how easy it is to neglect myself. It's easier to take care when I've already formed the habits to take care of myself, though. All things considered, no downsides!

I was singing a lot today too. On my way home, I sang along to a song I just freakin' love. It's so ridiculously upbeat, somewhat silly, just great! Maybe you've heard it? Here, courtesy video.

But yeah, totally jamming out to that in the car. Do you like it? ^.^ Gotta say the line that caught me was, The songs on the radio are okay... but my taste in music is your face! Hearing that line for the first time was what started me listening to the rest of the lyrics.

So, yeah, good day! And I think I post so many music videos on here that it deserves its own tag. On that now! I hope that this whole time you've been as well as I've been today. =3

I seem normal

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who see me.
I do what I need to do.
I carry on like the rest.
I keep my chin up.
But what are they seeing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who hear me.
I smile and laugh.
I give sympathies and advice.
I chat happily about little things.
But what are they hearing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who ask me.
I shrug, "I'm fine."
I nod, "Things are great."
I grin, "Thanks for asking."
But what are they asking?

Am I normal yet?
Now ask the ones who feel me.
No?
Then why would I act so?
And what could be wrong?
But I believe you know.

Do I seem normal yet?
I want to be normal enough.

I'm well but frustrated

Things are going well for me. I'm doing schoolwork as needed. I've got plans for this weekend with friends. Got a partner who seems pretty obsessed with me. I have all the necessities and I'm taking care of myself. I'm continuing to handle my situation safely, and that's really important. These may be things a normal person should manage with ease, but it feels like a lot to me. Thus, I feel fine in patting myself on the back.

Yet I'm frustrated. Being okay doesn't feel worth it. I can't see myself getting closer to my goal, to seeing you again. Now that I don't have death and poor life management to be as concerned about, I'm beginning to ask myself, "If she's not even looking, why would she come back?" The obvious answer is to visit you and show you that I'm okay. Best case scenario, you smile and accept that. But what if you still are unwell? I have no idea if you've gotten better yet. I have no idea if you'll ever get better on your own, especially because of the people who led us into this. That's why I'm frustrated; the safest answer is to wait for you to come to me, but you may never come.

This recovery is happening through weakness and strength. I use strength to improve myself. I employ weakness to wait out dangerous urges. Seeing you is dangerous because it could send you into a needless panic. That's what happened the last time I tried to visit you. That's what you showed when you walked into the courthouse. That's all I'm able to go off of. I don't know anything else, because you aren't letting me know anything.

I will just stay weak to keep from causing you trouble. I will stay strong to keep striding away from depression. However, I have to admit that, when I said I would do this for years or decades, I didn't realize how slowly and painfully time would pass in just these past months.

Playlist updates

I updated my YouTube playlist earlier, the one titled They Sing The Words I Couldn't Find. I did some rearrangement, and I added two songs: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, and Everything is Wrong by Interpol. The prior is now the start of the playlist. I've wanted to put Here Without You on the list for a long time. However, I chose to wait until this line was true: A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. It's actually only been a bit over 90 days, but the disappointment in realizing that it's almost been 100 days hit me hard and I just had to add it. Besides, that line will be true very soon (sadly).

The other song I've been neglecting to add for a while now. Right now, I don't feel that absolutely everything is wrong. However, that's certainly how I've felt for a long time. I certainly still do feel the lyrics. I doubt that you can relate, but I hope that you can enjoy it.

Again, there is a particular order to the playlist. I'll give one factor away: the songs at the top up to and including Sanctuary are songs I relate most to at the moment. The one that starts the playlist is pretty much a summary of my current feelings regarding you and my situation. Looking at my recent messages, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I chose Here Without You to be the starting song.

I truly wonder when these sounds will reach your ears. I don't know what to think if they already have.

Anything, anything

Is something wrong with me?

I really wish I knew.

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Anything, Anything as written by John Easdale and as performed by the band Dramarama.

Anything, everything, nothing

I was all you needed
when you just wanted anything.

You begged me to stay
as I threw away everything.

I left you with better
and to you I became nothing.

Not bragging about new partners

At the beginning of the year, I got a girlfriend to replace you. Except she couldn't. She lied about her age twice, kept me a secret from her family, and even had another boyfriend, so I dumped her. Sure, I loved her and my relationship with her felt special, but that couldn't nearly negate the lies. I can't remember right now how long it had lasted. I remember I told you when she and I first got together, and I told you about the breakup while you were showering.

So, I'm at it again, but I've learned from mistakes. First of all, I'm not thinking of my new partner as a replacement for you. What I have with this person is its own thing. I am preserving the mission of learning to have a healthy relationship. Despite that, ever since you my relationships have escalated pretty quickly. Maybe that's thanks to you, actually; we unlocked each others' confidence, so I'm probably being more attractive by being more confident. I think that this partner is honest; there's a few things, particularly age, that could have been lied about but weren't. I'm missing some considerably important information about this person, but I don't find it crucial.

I hope that this lasts a while. It seems like it will, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some things. Actually, that's even better; having a healthy relationship includes managing disagreements in a healthy way. I think I've already mentioned that my partner is super attentive, like you were. I'm sure this person would spend every moment with me if possible. Not sure if my computer would get hogged again. Probably. Ah well.

This relationship might sound like replacement or like mere practice, but I again don't consider it that way. I love this person, I would be involved if I didn't. Of course I'm learning with this, like we should from life. It might end up being practice for another. This person and I might end up together until the end. There's no telling the future. At this time, I don't want to think about the future; there's too many possibilities to consider, and I want to focus on what I've got now. And I've got to go forward continuing to learn.

I can live without you

Turns out I can live without you, does not mean, I feel better without you.

Sad city

Sitting, rummaging through thought,
calling for words to come, and they take their time.
Or maybe they see my wishes all rot,
and most disappear, still I've got
some message with feeling in its chime.

It isn't so easy to make it known
when that's just what built the downward spiral.
Yet to keep inside this shit that I own
will make me believe that I'm all alone.
Let the cards drop, don't bother holding them all.

Though I'm coming back, they are still there:
the doubt, the regret, and still not you.
I should laugh just to take in air.
I'm so grateful to be given any care.
Still, I don't know what I'm walking to.

I can only guess at what you wanted,
how I should end up, and some guesses aren't pretty.
How the fuck would thoughts that only daunted
be a better companion on the road that haunted
this mind, this ghost town, this sad city?

Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.

Forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

A life forming again

Since my little freakout a few weeks ago about normalcy, I've bounced back better. I'm trying to get out and do more things that, well, I would do, as I would do them. I've got plans for next weekend to meet up with friends. I'm wearing clothes that I wanna wear, in part thanks to fitting into old jeans and in part thanks to buying fabulous tees. I'm doing some roleplay, keeping my heart open. Things feel pretty good.

There's this nagging feeling of somberness that come into my consciousness sometimes. I don't think I need to be afraid that it means something, though. This time around, I'll simply acknowledge it. Yeah, I'm not perfectly okay. I'll tell someone about it, otherwise I've got Tell Her Before I Die to talk about it. It's not something that's necessary to work around, though. I don't really have to go out of my way and take action in regards to that feeling. Just this paragraph is enough for today.

I'm starting to watch YouTube videos again. And one of our favorite YouTubers has started posting again, since last week. Daily videos, 20 minutes each, too! I honestly didn't expect that, so I've missed a lot of content now. That YouTuber personally welcomed me back to the channel when I commented. That fanbase feels kinda homely, you know? I think participating more over there could do me some good.

I'm trying my best not to make the same mistakes I made when we broke up. First and foremost, I'm not working against my feelings for you. There's no elation of, "Hey, I'm single, so now I can do whatever I want!" I'm not doing things to fill in a hole. This time, I'm working with my feelings. I'm building myself back up for when you come back. In addition, I'm not doing these things to distract myself from you, like I did when my depression was deepest. I'm actually doing something now, really working for tomorrow.

And, of course, there's that person that I'm interested in. On top of the schedule that's come together for me, I'm now trying to put effort toward that relationship. This person is as clingy as you, I swear, which is a thing that I admire. I don't know how clingy you'll still be during the time we're just friends again, but I'm sure being with this person will be good repreparation. Thing is, we haven't officially agreed on an elevated relationship status. You could call what we have right now a friendship with obvious mutual attraction. If we do decide to be partners, I imagine this person will become even clingier?

Dunno, I'll have to wait and see. That stands true for many things.