Loathing to my name

There's a girl who held my heart
Who swore with me we'd never part
But when my heart came tumbling down
She couldn't take it off the ground

So I had to grow again
Having lost my closest friend
With time and distance came regret
Replaced her thoughts of when we'd met

To fill the void, the demons came
To sew on loathing to my name
Close her ears to cherished past
All to let the poor girl last

Satan, Satan, let her go
The wrath in her will be no mo'
Knots of hatred will unfurl
Freedom for our little girl

God will let her feel the love
And smile 'cause she's done enough
A pretty smile that keeps me on
Been keeping me since she was gone

Thanks

Today was Thanksgiving. I heard you came into town to celebrate it. I made plans to visit my cousins out of town, and so there I am. I'm having a nice time here. I hope that you are doing well yourself.

There are many things that I want to talk about, while I'm talking here. I won't talk about them, though. I have one very important thing to state, in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for the time that you spent with me. When we were only friends, when we were a couple, when I tried to distance myself, and when I came to you for help. Thinking about it, all that time has culminated in me as the strength to recover. I feel that those days you stayed by me when I did nothing but emotionally drain you forged that strength into this will to keep going. The desire to live, to improve, and to hope... thank you for this.

I am always thankful for you. Today is just a good day to say it.

The moon wasn't so beautiful

I looked at the moon tonight. Supermoon lunar eclipse, won't happen like this again until 2033, all that. I walked out of the house and to the sidewalk to give it a look. It just didn't touch me. It doesn't feel like something I should care about at all. Despite that, I just kept staring at it. I kept looking out at the red rock. I barely looked away.

I wasn't really watching the moon. I was watching my memories. I was reminiscing on the time that we saw our lunar eclipse. Really, it was less looking back as it was letting those feelings I experienced with you return to me. My eyes remained fixated on the moon, while my heart went out to you. My skin against the cool night air felt instead the biting chill as I held you in the early morning. I stared at the moon as if it would soon understand what I need, as if that would bring you here. I let tears roll down my cheeks as if nobody could see me.

The moon tonight really wasn't so breathtaking. The only beautiful thing tonight, somehow, was you. Even after so much and so long, it was only you.

I've had this song in my playlist for a while now. Before I decided to let the moon be, I played it while I gazed at the sky.

Our day

If I hadn't broken up with you, today would have been our fourth anniversary. I'm not going to fantasize about what that would have been like. I didn't do anything special without you. I'm not going to write about the events leading up to my shyly asking you to the homecoming dance, which you immediately accepted. Even though keeping those memories makes me smile.

All that I want to say is that today I made an extra effort to be happy. For me, this is still our day. I can't let myself be sad that you aren't here. I can't let myself regret being unable to talk to you. The least I owe you and myself is to be happy on our day. This is one day of the year that we always celebrated our love, so this is the day that I need to recall even more that I'm still going because of that love. Today was never really about the passage of time. It's about looking forward to our future.

So, I did my best to be satisfied with what I have and with what you've helped me to hold on to. I can only hope that you had a good day yourself. Not just an alright day like I want all of your days to be at the least, but a day that was undeniably satisfying and made you smile. I hope that today you're looking forward to tomorrow, and that you sleep happily, feeling loved. You always are loved.

Let's keep going for love.

Descending a cliffside

What has helped me to get better is having the purpose of becoming better for you. I've wanted to become normal and more stable so that you'd feel that it's safe to come back. It's been like a path through these times. I walked and progressed along the trail, telling myself that everything must get better as I got better. It didn't matter just how much I could fix myself without you, as long as I kept going. Step after step, month after month, I have gotten much further than I imagined I would. Since meaning started seeping back into the world, the journey hasn't been lonely; many people have cheered me on and even walked with me along the way.

But I came across the end of that path. I feel that this is the best that I can get. That's alright. The path led me to the edge of a cliff, and I looked around to see where I needed to go next. This is when I saw that nothing had gotten better. Yes, I got better, but nothing aside from me had improved. There wasn't anywhere else to go, yet what I strived for wasn't there; you were still distant. There was this edge, and I looked over it, down the cliffside.

I knelt at the edge, and I said, "I won't die." I felt for footholds along the cliff's face. I found what I needed and swung my leg over, begginning to climb down. I am crawling down this cliff, but neither is there clear way down nor any way to tell how much I need to scale. I am desperately trying to find somewhere to plant my foot, knowing that I must proceed but having no idea how. I don't know what I'm doing, only why I'm doing it. It's so scary. I don't want to slip. I'm so scared.

Just as before, it isn't lonely. I'm being cheered and supported by wonderful people. But few feel that they can do anything to really help my situation; that is, to help us. I want people to help, dammit, not just cheer. There isn't a thing I can do toward that end, though. I don't know what to do, and I am so scared.

Chlorine

My mom is recovering from a shoulder surgery. She's going to physical therapy regularly, but I thought it would additionally be smart to get her into the water. Not just smart, but also fun, of course! We went to a community pool the weekend before last, planned to this past weekend but were rained out, and went today. It's proven to be a good idea after all!

My brother's swimming skill has diminished, though. He's still alright. What baffles me is that he can't swim to one end of the pool and back. He can run tons more than I can without running out of breath, but he has much less stamina in the water. One issue we resolved was that his armstrokes were too fast; when he slowed them down, he didn't have to hesitate to breathe, seamlessly breathing in the 4th stroke of each few. Next, I just think he's become uncomfortable with swimming. That uses up more oxygen, did you know that? Staying completely calm and still - the dead man's float - is the best way to conserve oxygen, but that's obviously not an option when you're swimming. Anyway, he just needs to rebuild the comfort to swim so that he can make use of his true endurance.

My mom has quickly been regaining strength in her left arm, the one that was operated on. She wasn't moving it much when we went to the pool the first time. She was able to move it a lot underwater though, of course. Being able to move it so much underwater probably encouraged her to move it more while on land, really, and that's probably what's led to her current strength. I nearly forget sometimes that her arm was injured. Except when I'm going in for a hug, because I screwed up and put pressure on her arm when she first got all the gauze off. Yeah, I got cussed and yelled at. I'm kinda glad you haven't around to make that mistake yourself, given how intimidated you are by my mom already.

The other week at the pool I didn't long for you too much, really. I was occupied enough by swimming around, monitoring my mom, and jumping off the diving board. I had also been in quite high spirits. Lately, I've been much more melancholy. Enough to feel bad, not enough to have too much of an impact on my normalcy. It was enough for me to bug my friends about it, not hide it from my family, and of course now to write a message. For a while, I floated in the water just remembering how we played in the pool. You being my fox leech and all, heehee. Wrapping your arms around my neck as I made futile, though usually half-assed, efforts to shake you off. I wanted that again, even without the sweet kisses you'd give me when I gave up. I was cheered up by a rousing game of tag with my brother. My mom wouldn't participate, so she became the base, offering immunity to tags and freezing the It person for a few seconds. It would have been even more fun with a third person, namely you, involved.

I'd include that cute photo of you rising along the wall from the depths of your pool, drenched hair concealing your face down to your lips, but I still want to keep the spirit of anonymity on Tell Her Before I Die. Given that you've put your pretty picture online recently, though, I think I'll post that image on my G+. Just tell me if you want me to take it down for some reason~ ^.^ Well, take care of yourself. Nothing for me to do but just keep swimming. I hope you're feeling well.

A dream that you held me

Last night I had a dream. I hardly remember what the dream was about or the places it occurred. All I remember is that, at various points in the dream, you came up behind me and hugged me. Not just a hug, really. You held me for minutes at a time. It felt so very nice.

In my dreams, I don't talk to you or meet your gaze. I try to pretend that you aren't there, because I don't want to reach out and unsettle you. Even when you talk to me or touch me, I stay quiet and avert my eyes. I've told myself that I would do this if I did run into you. I guess if I'm doing it in my dreams then I would successfully do it in life.

Despite that effort, though, I can't help the ways you make me feel happy in those dreams. I can't help laughing at the jokes you make, or smiling at the things you do. After some number of seconds sitting in a chair, you standing and holding me from behind, and having the biggest grin on my face, of course I couldn't help but rest my head back against you.

Could you make this dream come true soon? Honestly, it's the best one I've had in your stead.

Not so much writing anymore

I had a chat with a friend of yours recently. Well, she had a chat with me. She didn't say very much. She said that your issues are not being worked through, which is sadly not a surprise. You know about Tell Her Before I Die, but you haven't really read it. You want me to stop writing this. I understand.

These messages have brought me through the worst months of my entire life. They represented my hope when I was lost within depression, when I had no idea what was going on or why. They have helped me to think about and understand myself and what has happened to me. They've allowed me to let caring people know just how I actually am, and those supporters have helped to get me through this. As I recovered, their help became more effective.

I needed to write these messages. They kept me alive and made me well. However, lately I've been inconsistent with writing. I thought this was a bad thing, but perhaps it simply is a symptom of the transition in my state of mind. I'm not near the fringe of death anymore. I'm not overwhelmed by thinking a few months into the future. Sometimes when I write now I can't help but feel like shit that you haven't read to try to understand. That wasn't something that bothered me in the throes of depression. I just held on and hoped you'd read eventually, as the title of this collection suggests.

You're not going to try to understand just yet. According to your friend, to you this blog is nothing more than a creepy display of obsession. Does that hurt me? Not exactly, because I think that ignorance is hard to break from, especially when you're surrounded by it. But I cannot dismiss your feelings, even if they're based on blindness. While I'm too afraid of regression to cease my writing altogether, I will stop writing regularly. Not writing may slow down my recovery, but I'm comfortable enough with where I am to sacrifice my recovery for your own. Besides, it's pointless for me to get better if you won't.

I'll still write occasionally. Expect a message on holidays. I'll likely continue to think of you on my outings, so I'll probably come home and write about them. Some days I'll feel like art or poetry or recommending some TV show I just watched. The point is, some days I'll just need to write. When I need to write, I won't hesitate to do it. Just as my recovery means nothing without yours, the vice verse applies.

Dear, I am scared. I have been scared all of these months, in different ways and for different reasons. You're scared. We can get better though, and that's what I will work toward. You inspire me to improve myself as much as I can in your absence. I pray that you find a reason to get better as well. All I can do is stay weak and pray for you.

Importance

One of the ways that I can define my experience is by what I saw importance in. At first, I only saw importance in our relationship. Later, I saw importance in your happiness. As I recovered, the people around me became more important. At this point, I'm finding myself to be important again. I want to explain all that.

The first night that I told you that I should just die. I felt that, without having my love for you returned, there wasn't any meaning for me or in anything. I only wanted to get back the future that we had going for us before. I wanted us to be as close as we could be, and I thought that meant as close as we'd ever been. You said we were best friends, and I tried to grip that as well as I could. But I still didn't feel that it was enough.

On that Monday, we texted. I cried about how I didn't think I could take it, how I still wanted to die. There was nothing left to say about that, so I changed the subject. Monty Oum had just died, and so I shared the news with you and mourned a bit. This was the point at which I realized that my darkness was burdening you. I stared at our conversation. Everything felt heavy and not right. I started thinking, scrolling through your words, what you'd texted and what you'd vocally said to me. I remembered that you said to see a therapist. I called in and scheduled for that evening. Because I realized once again that your happiness was important to me.

It was too late, though. By the time I'd finished my visit, you'd been told to leave me. You left me. I reverted, kept trying to talk to you, desperately held on to our relationship. You became scared of me, and I became scared of myself. In the wrong way, I began to care about your happiness again; if being with me would only scare you, and I only wanted you to be with me, then I had to die. I would die, terminating the possibility of burdening you. I thought that was an overwhelming possibility. That was when I had to learn weakness, to ensure your happiness. I kept going to therapy to restore our relationship.

Dying was the foolproof solution to never bothering you again. Desiring your happiness motivated me to learn from this tragedy, but it also urged me to disappear. It wasn't enough. I had to convince myself that other people mattered. As I struggled through, other people did begin to matter again. Not just the people that knowingly helped me, but also the ones who made things better without a clear idea of what I was going through. Not just those people, but also the ones I helped with their own situations. Very, very slowly, people aside from you became important to me again. These people certainly wouldn't benefit from my disappearance. They certainly didn't want me to die.

After so many months of slowly seeing the value return to the people around me, I started caring about myself again. I stopped dieting to disappear and started dieting because I felt better to be lighter. I occasionally bought new clothes and wore outfits that made me feel like I stood out. I started enjoying myself not as a treatment but as a natural compulsion. I began to find meaning again in smiling and in my own happiness. Yes, I am important, and what I want should not always be thrown aside for the sake of others.

I don't think it's quite right to call this a progression; it's a culmination. I still feel that our relationship is important, though I know how our old bond needs to evolve. I still feel that your happiness is important, but it isn't worth my disappearance. I still feel that other people are important, yet I recognize issues that I have with them that I can't expect to sew up on my own. There are many moments when I feel normal, as if we were still together or as if we'd never met. There are many moments when I must acknowledge that I am hurt, and if I cannot be rid of it without you then I must manage it until it can be taken away. I'm not plunged into the waters of emotional trauma anymore, and I'm not the dry of its experiences which have soaked into my skin.

There are still many reasons that I feel unimportant. That's been the case for a very long time. There are still many things that I can't do for myself nor for others. The core things that I do are only for you and for us; for your happiness and our friendship. Perhaps it's just a fact of my life that its core is motivated by you and by us. Even when I'm finished recovering, even when you're back, this will still be the case. That isn't a bad thing. You're just incredibly important to me.

My hair

I love the new method I discovered of straightening my hair: putting it into a ponytail. My hair looks nice when my natural waviness is allowed, but I legitimately smiled at the mirror for ten seconds straight when I undid my ponytail today and threw my hair over my forehead. I just have always adored my hair being semi-straightened.

Objectively, I realize that my hair can be considered to look worse like this than let alone. It's kind of reminiscent of a small plant's thin roots brushed haphazardly. But I'm not really doing this for fashion's sake, I'm doing it just because it makes me happy. I like my hair being so bushy. I like how my bangs have a smaller tendency to fall into my eyes when I've done this. My hair even feels different on my head. Sure, my hair may look like a weave of tiny twigs, but I actually think that represents me pretty well right now!

I have had my hair properly ironed before. Just once, for my birthday, during high school, I went over to a friend's house and she straightened my hair meticulously. I've got a picture of it that I think I've shown you before. But whenever I iron my hair, I don't take enough time to really get it smooth. I like that look too, but the heat can damage your hair right? I stopped bothering to straighten my hair some time that same year. I do remember feeling very flattered when some guy in one of my classes said my straight hair made me look like a girl. I don't think my current hair makes me look like a girl.

I only came across this straightening trick because I actually wanted to try having a ponytail. I don't like the feel of that so much. When I'm sitting, it's not comfortable to push my ponytail against a headrest, which is a bother when I'm driving. Like, I already have to control a car, I don't want to control my posture too. I would just way prefer to lean back against the seat! And I like my hair in my face and around my head. It's not really a concern about my head being revealed, though I would want to trim the back of my neck if I were going out with ponytails more often. I don't fancy the feeling of my hair being strapped to my scalp. Finally, I'm constantly worrying about my hair getting loose. I can't help but imagine some rebellious hills of hair puffing away from my head. I just don't feel right when I'm wearing a ponytail.

I don't think you'd like me to wear a ponytail. One of my points of attraction to you is my hairstyle, after all. I wonder what you'd have to say about how I'm wearing my hair now. Also, can you relate? Anyway, I'm just happy to have my hair like it is. ^.^

First day of your summer

Yesterday was your graduation from high school; congratulations! You revealed some really crap news, sure, but it's past midnight and I think we should leave yesterday behind. Let's talk about new and great stuff, because it's summertime!!

You don't start college until the fall, so you've got a whole summer to enjoy just as any gradeschooler does. What will it consist of, I wonder? Hanging out with friends? Hitting the beach? A road trip? An amusement park? There are so many possible ways for you to enjoy your summer!

I'm stuck with school through the summer, but I will do my best to enjoy it was well. You can even say that attending that recital was the start of it, though I really hope more of my friends will be able to accompany me to whatever other summer powwows I plan. You know, I've never done a beach bonfire, so that is certainly a consideration. If I can find gelatin-free marshmallows, that seals the deal! Yeah, an evening beach party sounds fantastic. I'm already psyching myself out here!

But you don't have to go out to have fun with friends. You can always invite people over to play games and/or roleplay. Even simply having a little dinner party would be nice. Oh, and there's movie nights of course. Don't forget sleepovers! Obviously someone else can host, and you can adventure to their dwelling to enjoy their company. Should physical translocation be out of the question, there's the internet! I'm thinking internet-multiplayer videogames, video chats, and some movie streaming.

I kind of see you preferring to stay at home, most likely to employ the internet to hold summer events. Ya little hermit fox. Okay, to be more honest, I'm afraid you'll forget to talk to all your friends! Yes, you've got a number of them. Don't forget, everyone wants to hang out with you! Indulge them, indulge yourself, everyone will be happier for it. To note, you're welcome at any event I organize. Just come along if you think it'll be fun! At any rate, enjoy the people who love you this summer. Maybe you could even start today?

Your eviction

So I heard about your awful situation. You're getting booted out of your grandparents' house for two weeks. I heard your mom's house is more of a junkyard than I'd last seen, and unhygienic at that, so I assume that you do not want to go back there. You're asking friends if you can stay with them for those two weeks.

I've known that your grandparents have a twisted method of ensuring your wellbeing. Their method is not actually helpful; it's destructive. I've known that I can't trust them with your recovery. Yet I had to have faith that you could depend on them for at least your basic needs. With this decision, that faith is now shattered.

You know how I've been saying that I can't get angry? I'm angry. I'm going to pat myself on the back for recovering so much that I can now get angry. Alright, done, now I'm going to explain, I am very cross with your grandparents right now. On top of ruining my life by misguiding you, now they're dropping you for two weeks because they think you're a nuisance? I don't care what the details are. They can fucking afford to keep you under their roof until you move for college! In fact, after they removed me from your life, I think you're their damn responsibility!

That said, I'd be happy to house you. I'll take the responsibility for you back. I'd give all the diplomacy I've got to get my mom to let you stay. Forget about the restraining order. If you were staying with me, I know you wouldn't turn that on me for no reason, and I know that I have learned too much to give you a reason.

However, a friend of yours told me not to expect you to consider asking me. I guess that means that, unsurprisingly, you're not any better. Still, I pray that you will take the chance to talk to me if your options run out. I just want you to be safe and sound, whatever course of action you choose. Take care, dear.

Friends, flops, fabulousness, food

I went to that recital I've been planning to attend today. One of my friends canceled on me, so I'm glad my cousin replaced her. Despite all my planning I still got to the theater late! Between traffic and parking being unavailable near the theater, which should have been obvious issues from the start, I didn't quite catch the start of the show. We got back-row seats in front of two parents who wouldn't keep their chatter between dances, and glares back at them did not seem to shame them at all. I seriously need to learn to plan to come to these dance recitals insanely early.

The recital itself was amusing. The littler kids made some pretty bad mistakes, and the bigger kids danced as wonderfully as usual. As you should know, she danced, and she was great as always. The musical skit at the end was even worse than last year, but it didn't exactly fail any expectations that I had to be honest. Between the dance flops, the dance fabulousness, and desire to be charitable, I decided to go ahead and buy a DVD of the show. I'm planning to be mean and make GIFs of the fails, while genuinely enjoying the better performances whenever I'm bored. Actually, if you want the DVD I'd be happy to let you take it.

After the recital, we visited the Spanish Villa. I couldn't help but make some purchases! I got a ceramic sake set, more for the sake I didn't intend that pun when I typed it, I swear of having something to serve various juices with and into than for serving sake. I also bought a really cute present for you! I'll keep it a secret until I can give it to you, why not? Hint, I can't use this present. Given your intimate understanding of what I believe myself able to use, that should actually narrow things down much more than it would coming from a normal person.

Given the purchase of the sake set, we just had to proceed to a Japanese diner. It's been a long time since I've used chopsticks, but I'm just as good with them now as ever. Turns out my cousin hadn't used chopsticks before, but she picked them up very quickly. Rather, picked them up and correctly used them very quickly. The food we chose was delicious and surprisingly inexpensive. The tofu in my food was very squishy though and most likely to split under the slightest pressure between my chopsticks. I wonder if there's a better way for me to have handled the tofu, or if I should exclude it the next time I visit. I'll leave that decision for another day.

My little brother accompanied me to drop my friend off at his house, sticking around with me to appreciate the $500 sounds of his new drum. We were also given a fantastic little performance to which my brother responded with much praise. You know he's impressed when he talks that much. Anyway, he just came to he could pick out a red velvet cake with me. I owed him and his friends red velvet cake, see, and they chose to have my debt paid on their last day of school: tomorrow. We put slices into little containers for him to take to school in the morning, then shared cake amongst ourselves and my cousins.

There's still a big chunk left, but I'm not even going to joke about saving it for you. Besides, your birthday was Friday and your graduation from gradeschool is tomorrow. I'm sure there's been and will continue to be a lot of celebration going on for you! Sleep tight for your big day!

This day's smiles

This day saw me smile.
This day saw you smile.

It did not see us smile.

Surprise visits

I managed to catch our favorite YouTuber's Twitch stream today. I was surprised. Firstly, I was sure his graphics card would be having some stupid problem, like it has the last few days I tried to tune in. Secondly, I arrived half an hour late. I thought it would have already been over, somehow forgetting how long League of Legends matches actually take. Participating in the streaming experience by viewing and chatting with him, his fellow players, and my fellow viewers was a new and fun experience for me. Ended up subbing to a girl whose hair I am totally jealous of. She's apparently known for streaming RuneScape, and I figure I might watch sometime for nostalgia's sake.

My cousins, including my favorite, decided to pop by today. They were supposed to come in the afternoon; as is the tendency of my family, they came I think around 4, in the late afternoon. Gave me plenty of time to prepare, to be sure, yet somehow I neglected to put on pants before they arrived. No, I wasn't strutting about pantsless, I just didn't come to the door right away. Better than some times when I hide in my room from visitors. I think I'm done with that habit, honestly. Part of that may be that I don't want anyone to visit my room in the state that it's in.

I invited my favorite cousin to watch some Netflix with me. Scrolling through my list, I came upon RWBY and prompted that as an option. I haven't seen the show in a while, and I like how the volumes are compiled on Netflix. We went ahead and watched, and she really likes the series! I didn't ask exactly what she liked, but then again, what's not to like? The answer to that would be moments of lazy animation, but I think you'll agree that everything else makes up for that.

She and I are both very quiet viewers. Sometimes I found myself questioning whether she was enjoying watching because she wouldn't really comment or laugh outright. However, there were certainly some chuckles, and she did want to catch every moment of the show. My aunt and uncle interrupted us a few times; they clearly haven't learned the etiquette that my little brother and I have taught our parents. My cousin specifically missed the scene where flustered Jaune badgers near-nude Ren for girl advice, because my aunt spontaneously wanted to chat. Had to rewind to rewatch that whole sequence over, which personally I don't mind. I like Ren's model~

Since my cousin is staying the night, I invited her to come with me to the recital tomorrow, and subsequent dining. Two of my friends have confirmed that they are coming with me. Actually, I leave to pick everyone up in a little over 12 hours. She said she'd like to go, which may kind of be a given since there isn't a whole ton for her to do otherwise. I'm excited to go, and I feel very comfortable going with these three people being with me. I'm sure it will be fun!

In the stream, that YouTuber said that he is tempted to do a 24-hour stream. His streams since he started back up have only been LoL and CoD, so I suggested that if he does do a day-long stream he should include a Minecraft segment. Obviously I had you in mind when I suggested this. I'm sure he'll throw that in, given how good of a fan you are! Since you're done with school soon, you'll be able to catch as much of the 24-hour stream as you can bear. If I could, I would specifically tell you when he's on his Minecraft segments. That's kinda illegal though.

Hope today's been as nice for you as it's been for me. I usually say that whenever I have a good day, don't I? Well, it's true, I always do hope that for you. Take care!

End of your birthday

Yesterday I got hit with a whole lot of missing you. You know, before that day I was actually considering buying some red velvet batter and baking an itty bitty cake for your birthday, just for me and my family to enjoy. Then I realized how sad it is to bake a cake for someone who's not even talking to you, fully expecting that person to never even see it. The words of a certain cat from a Dreamworks animation came to mind: "You are better than this!"

This is the first birthday of yours that I've been absent for since I met you. The months of just being starkly without you have given me time to accept that I won't be able to spend such days with you, but I still wish I hadn't screwed up. Nobody in my family bothered to wish you happy birthday. My little brother either is truly too shy or he blames you for what I've gone through and is too bitter about it. I figure my mom is afraid of stirring something up.

Yeah, my day wasn't great. To be honest, I don't even care about how I felt today. It looks like you enjoyed your birthday, and that matters to me. I'm only talking about how I felt here because I do need to acknowledge how I feel. Most of what I'm feeling in the end is happiness that you seem to be well. I'm not saying that ingenuinely. Knowing that you're happy does make me happy, at least to an extent.

So I hope you had a nice birthday, got neat presents, ate yummy cake, and got lots of birthday wishes from friends. I hope it was all so fun that you're plumb tuckered out and fast asleep right now. I hope that midnight marked the end of a happy birthday for you.

Happy birthday to you

ǜ
λ
.~~~||~~~.
|        |
| ♥ HAPPY|
|BIRTHDAY|
|~~~~~~~~|
|-@@--@@-|
'--------'

Make a wish and blow out the candle!

Left you with love

I knew that you'd be okay because I left you with love.

At least you were there

If you'd abandoned me
right away,

I probably wouldn't be
here today.

I let my frailty take the wheel

But maybe I'm a little bit weak.
I let my frailty take the wheel.

She said,
"Maybe there's a better me waiting for a better you, baby."

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Middle of Nowhere as performed by the band Hot Hot Heat.

Not so bad for overcast

I haven't come down from feeling good. That's sure saying something, because normally having a blanket of light grey over my sun really bums me out! By normally, I mean before-all-this-shit normally. I'm really saying something here. I'm really satisfied with how I'm feeling.

Can't help but wonder if there's more to it than, "I just feel good." Not some ulterior motive, no, but some catalyst. Maybe all the good stuff in my life is finally having some effect on me. I mean, count it up: romance, friends, school, home, food, health, music. Yeah, I'm thinking even the music I've discovered lately has boosted my mood. I was thinking before that I just appreciate those things more now because I'm feeling better. Perhaps it's the other way around and those things are what helped me to finally feel better. After all, holding onto something meaningful that hasn't been here has dragged me through, so why shouldn't lots of things that are right around me help to push?

That sort of wondering doesn't hurt, but I wonder if it's not worth thought anyway. As with those days during depression when I'd inexplicably feel better for a run, should I just take it without questioning? For those days, the questioning was paranoia. For these days, the questioning is simply curiosity. Yet would it be better to redirect the little bit of effort away from wonder and toward enjoyment? My answer is yeah. If I have to ask about it, I can always do it here, with you.

Again extraordinary

Remember I used to talk about having extraordinary days? Those sorts of days are now very common for me, while bad days are not so common. The good days were always underlined with doubt and paranoia, but they were certainly better than the regular stream of depression. The only problem with having that every day is that the underline becomes more pronounced and frustrating, as I've mentioned recently.

Today was actually really great. I didn't feel doubtful or paranoid or frustrated. I laughed and didn't second-guess how genuine it was. I laughed easily, but I could tell that it was because I was giddy and not because I felt helpless. Do you know how great that difference in feeling is? It's fantastic.

Many days I feel okay I wonder, "How long is this going to last?" Today, no such concern. My only consideration is that I should keep helping myself, as always. My experience has made me pretty sensitive to how easy it is to neglect myself. It's easier to take care when I've already formed the habits to take care of myself, though. All things considered, no downsides!

I was singing a lot today too. On my way home, I sang along to a song I just freakin' love. It's so ridiculously upbeat, somewhat silly, just great! Maybe you've heard it? Here, courtesy video.

But yeah, totally jamming out to that in the car. Do you like it? ^.^ Gotta say the line that caught me was, The songs on the radio are okay... but my taste in music is your face! Hearing that line for the first time was what started me listening to the rest of the lyrics.

So, yeah, good day! And I think I post so many music videos on here that it deserves its own tag. On that now! I hope that this whole time you've been as well as I've been today. =3

I seem normal

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who see me.
I do what I need to do.
I carry on like the rest.
I keep my chin up.
But what are they seeing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who hear me.
I smile and laugh.
I give sympathies and advice.
I chat happily about little things.
But what are they hearing?

Do I seem normal yet?
Ask the ones who ask me.
I shrug, "I'm fine."
I nod, "Things are great."
I grin, "Thanks for asking."
But what are they asking?

Am I normal yet?
Now ask the ones who feel me.
No?
Then why would I act so?
And what could be wrong?
But I believe you know.

Do I seem normal yet?
I want to be normal enough.

I'm well but frustrated

Things are going well for me. I'm doing schoolwork as needed. I've got plans for this weekend with friends. Got a partner who seems pretty obsessed with me. I have all the necessities and I'm taking care of myself. I'm continuing to handle my situation safely, and that's really important. These may be things a normal person should manage with ease, but it feels like a lot to me. Thus, I feel fine in patting myself on the back.

Yet I'm frustrated. Being okay doesn't feel worth it. I can't see myself getting closer to my goal, to seeing you again. Now that I don't have death and poor life management to be as concerned about, I'm beginning to ask myself, "If she's not even looking, why would she come back?" The obvious answer is to visit you and show you that I'm okay. Best case scenario, you smile and accept that. But what if you still are unwell? I have no idea if you've gotten better yet. I have no idea if you'll ever get better on your own, especially because of the people who led us into this. That's why I'm frustrated; the safest answer is to wait for you to come to me, but you may never come.

This recovery is happening through weakness and strength. I use strength to improve myself. I employ weakness to wait out dangerous urges. Seeing you is dangerous because it could send you into a needless panic. That's what happened the last time I tried to visit you. That's what you showed when you walked into the courthouse. That's all I'm able to go off of. I don't know anything else, because you aren't letting me know anything.

I will just stay weak to keep from causing you trouble. I will stay strong to keep striding away from depression. However, I have to admit that, when I said I would do this for years or decades, I didn't realize how slowly and painfully time would pass in just these past months.

Playlist updates

I updated my YouTube playlist earlier, the one titled They Sing The Words I Couldn't Find. I did some rearrangement, and I added two songs: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down, and Everything is Wrong by Interpol. The prior is now the start of the playlist. I've wanted to put Here Without You on the list for a long time. However, I chose to wait until this line was true: A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face. It's actually only been a bit over 90 days, but the disappointment in realizing that it's almost been 100 days hit me hard and I just had to add it. Besides, that line will be true very soon (sadly).

The other song I've been neglecting to add for a while now. Right now, I don't feel that absolutely everything is wrong. However, that's certainly how I've felt for a long time. I certainly still do feel the lyrics. I doubt that you can relate, but I hope that you can enjoy it.

Again, there is a particular order to the playlist. I'll give one factor away: the songs at the top up to and including Sanctuary are songs I relate most to at the moment. The one that starts the playlist is pretty much a summary of my current feelings regarding you and my situation. Looking at my recent messages, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I chose Here Without You to be the starting song.

I truly wonder when these sounds will reach your ears. I don't know what to think if they already have.

Anything, anything

Is something wrong with me?

I really wish I knew.

The words are lyrics excerpted from the song Anything, Anything as written by John Easdale and as performed by the band Dramarama.

Anything, everything, nothing

I was all you needed
when you just wanted anything.

You begged me to stay
as I threw away everything.

I left you with better
and to you I became nothing.

Not bragging about new partners

At the beginning of the year, I got a girlfriend to replace you. Except she couldn't. She lied about her age twice, kept me a secret from her family, and even had another boyfriend, so I dumped her. Sure, I loved her and my relationship with her felt special, but that couldn't nearly negate the lies. I can't remember right now how long it had lasted. I remember I told you when she and I first got together, and I told you about the breakup while you were showering.

So, I'm at it again, but I've learned from mistakes. First of all, I'm not thinking of my new partner as a replacement for you. What I have with this person is its own thing. I am preserving the mission of learning to have a healthy relationship. Despite that, ever since you my relationships have escalated pretty quickly. Maybe that's thanks to you, actually; we unlocked each others' confidence, so I'm probably being more attractive by being more confident. I think that this partner is honest; there's a few things, particularly age, that could have been lied about but weren't. I'm missing some considerably important information about this person, but I don't find it crucial.

I hope that this lasts a while. It seems like it will, even though we don't see eye-to-eye on some things. Actually, that's even better; having a healthy relationship includes managing disagreements in a healthy way. I think I've already mentioned that my partner is super attentive, like you were. I'm sure this person would spend every moment with me if possible. Not sure if my computer would get hogged again. Probably. Ah well.

This relationship might sound like replacement or like mere practice, but I again don't consider it that way. I love this person, I would be involved if I didn't. Of course I'm learning with this, like we should from life. It might end up being practice for another. This person and I might end up together until the end. There's no telling the future. At this time, I don't want to think about the future; there's too many possibilities to consider, and I want to focus on what I've got now. And I've got to go forward continuing to learn.

I can live without you

Turns out I can live without you, does not mean, I feel better without you.

Sad city

Sitting, rummaging through thought,
calling for words to come, and they take their time.
Or maybe they see my wishes all rot,
and most disappear, still I've got
some message with feeling in its chime.

It isn't so easy to make it known
when that's just what built the downward spiral.
Yet to keep inside this shit that I own
will make me believe that I'm all alone.
Let the cards drop, don't bother holding them all.

Though I'm coming back, they are still there:
the doubt, the regret, and still not you.
I should laugh just to take in air.
I'm so grateful to be given any care.
Still, I don't know what I'm walking to.

I can only guess at what you wanted,
how I should end up, and some guesses aren't pretty.
How the fuck would thoughts that only daunted
be a better companion on the road that haunted
this mind, this ghost town, this sad city?

Few days out

When I share THBID on Google+ I used to mention, "New messages written twice-daily!" I've given up on publicizing that; obviously, I've been terrible at keeping to it, and I feel that it's almost deceiving when I post both of them within 2 hours of midnight. And, in the end, writing regularly isn't a commitment to you; I'm very sure that you don't care.

So, I neglected to write for the past two days. I was managing some changes in my life. The most important of those changes is that I've officially got a partner. I think that's a topic deserving its own message. Another change is adjusting to new classes. I've got 3 classes this module, which started last week, and this was the first week I had to turn stuff in. It certainly threw me off. I've been distracted with catching up on YouTube. You work harder hearing that British accent chat away in the background. Well, to be fair, it can be any accent for you. But I just gotta watch the video, I can't think all work-like in those conditions.

Excuses, excuses. Point is, I feel like I have to wreck a habit whenever I try to make new ones. I think the first most vulnerable of those habits is hygiene. Oh, shut up, you're exactly the same. The second most vulnerable habit is my writing. It's got tangential importance; it helps me to understand myself, sure, but are you really going to read over 200 messages that I have written for you? The longer I write, the less I feel like you will understand. I can see you looking at the total number of posts and going, "Wow." I can't see you caring enough about me enough to read even a majority of them.

It hurts to admit that. It hurts to admit that underneath the cautious optimism lies terrible hopelessness. However, the only way I've been able to improve is by acknowledging how I truly feel. I guess I understand. Talking about you makes me smile, not frown like many assume. Talking about how I feel brings me relief, not more of that negativity. I think there's a difference between saying, "This is how I feel," and claiming, "I cannot ever be better." It's not okay to say the latter; plainly, you can't even truthfully say that. "I think it'll be difficult to feel completely well." That's a little better. It'll be difficult, but difficulty is something we can fight against.

Right, well, I think I'll dedicate my efforts today to making up those messages I missed. I've got 4 plus today's second one. I think most of them will be art or poetry. An internet friend of mine writes an array of huge poems every day, and I feel like I should write some poetry with a few more stanzas. It's not competition, just inspiration. Maybe two of those, two wordarts, and one post bragging filling you in on my new relationship. Welp, oughta get two jugs of water and start writing.

Forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

I know that you no longer see forever in me

A life forming again

Since my little freakout a few weeks ago about normalcy, I've bounced back better. I'm trying to get out and do more things that, well, I would do, as I would do them. I've got plans for next weekend to meet up with friends. I'm wearing clothes that I wanna wear, in part thanks to fitting into old jeans and in part thanks to buying fabulous tees. I'm doing some roleplay, keeping my heart open. Things feel pretty good.

There's this nagging feeling of somberness that come into my consciousness sometimes. I don't think I need to be afraid that it means something, though. This time around, I'll simply acknowledge it. Yeah, I'm not perfectly okay. I'll tell someone about it, otherwise I've got Tell Her Before I Die to talk about it. It's not something that's necessary to work around, though. I don't really have to go out of my way and take action in regards to that feeling. Just this paragraph is enough for today.

I'm starting to watch YouTube videos again. And one of our favorite YouTubers has started posting again, since last week. Daily videos, 20 minutes each, too! I honestly didn't expect that, so I've missed a lot of content now. That YouTuber personally welcomed me back to the channel when I commented. That fanbase feels kinda homely, you know? I think participating more over there could do me some good.

I'm trying my best not to make the same mistakes I made when we broke up. First and foremost, I'm not working against my feelings for you. There's no elation of, "Hey, I'm single, so now I can do whatever I want!" I'm not doing things to fill in a hole. This time, I'm working with my feelings. I'm building myself back up for when you come back. In addition, I'm not doing these things to distract myself from you, like I did when my depression was deepest. I'm actually doing something now, really working for tomorrow.

And, of course, there's that person that I'm interested in. On top of the schedule that's come together for me, I'm now trying to put effort toward that relationship. This person is as clingy as you, I swear, which is a thing that I admire. I don't know how clingy you'll still be during the time we're just friends again, but I'm sure being with this person will be good repreparation. Thing is, we haven't officially agreed on an elevated relationship status. You could call what we have right now a friendship with obvious mutual attraction. If we do decide to be partners, I imagine this person will become even clingier?

Dunno, I'll have to wait and see. That stands true for many things.

Looking for love

I decided a while ago to get better for when I see you again. Since I've gotten this far, I'm trying to find another partner. The person I'm interested in now isn't somebody that you know. Well, I kind of hope that you don't know this person. Maybe a streak of only two people isn't enough to confirm it, but you seem to ruin my advances. Anyway, like I said, my life is pretty stable so I'm considering the next goal: a healthy relationship.

There's one obvious problem: I still love you. It's a love that doesn't fade. You're a memory that can't be forgotten. That should be a turnoff for anyone checking me out. There's quite a few pages of discouragement that Tell Her Before I Die has to offer. But I've got attractive and admirable qualities, and I know someone could love them more than my hopeless attachment can deter. It's happened before, actually.

Honestly, what's kept me from giving my heart to others has been my concern for them. Gaping crevices were carved into my heart, the edges of each laceration being brutally sharp; I couldn't bring myself to let it cut into the palms of someone trying to hold it. I was too damaged to let myself be loved like that. However, I think those edges have softened and the gorges have closed considerably. As before, my love for one person doesn't diminish my love for another. So, now that I've healed this much, even though I love you so much, I can find love in someone else. Especially who's actually there for me.

It'd be the best for both of us if someone replaced you, but I'm not expecting that. And whoever I'm with isn't a filler, either. You've taught me that any romantic relationship should be treated as between only two people. My feelings for you aren't going to have anything to do with my feelings for anyone else. My feelings for anyone else aren't going to have anything to do with you. All those feelings will be there, though.

I won't stop writing to you. There's so many thoughts that I'll continue to want you to know. I don't know whether to feel sorry for someone who still wants me with all of that, or to simply be very grateful. I think I'll be selfish and grateful. I need a bit more selfishness. A new love would be nice.

Your solution

Your solution to my distress:

is a huge blank that you left

I can't make you fill it in

I can only ask you to look at it

Noise for work

I think my school is a bit noisy. There are few walls to dampen conversations and the ventilation whirs up occasionally. A friend of mine disagrees though. He says that the school is too quiet, at least for him to work. He prefers his home, because apparently he's more comfortable with the racket his family makes. Nighttime at his house is too quiet for him to work, too. When it's too quiet, he gets writers' block.

I brought you up when he mentioned this. When it's too quiet, you start thinking about other things and those thoughts distract you from work, I told him. He didn't really say whether that's his issue or not. Another little parallel is that he is a Marine. I didn't bother to bring that up. Besides, you're only in the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps to show that you have discipline and to get away from regular PE kids.

I could ask whether he goes to sleep with a radio or TV on, but that's a little bit creepy to ask. He's a guy who's slightly wider-eyed, talks with a bit more pep. I think that alone suggests that his reasons for avoiding quiet while working are different than yours. I suppose that if you're a flame then he's more of an electric current. And, of course, I'm water. I appreciate the rushing of waterfalls and crashing of waves as intense background noise. Well, not so literally. I listen to composed music, not nature sounds. I don't think any of the three of us listen to nature tracks regularly.

Well, I guess you have to do what you have to do in order to get through schoolwork.

A clouded night

Halfway through the year
and I'm still not over you.
I still don't feel all better
and this just doesn't feel right.

Halfway through the year
and I see you're not with me.
Seems that I wasn't worth it
because you're nowhere in sight.

Start of a new month
but hardly a new beginning.
It's the same storm swirling
but it's not winning this fight.

Start of a new month
but I feel old and battered.
There's so much more to live through
because you are still my light.

A distant star. A clouded night.

Fear in okay

I'm cautious when I say that I'm okay, for two reasons. One reason is that I don't want to deceive people who would like to listen. If I don't actually feel well, those people who are bothering to understand should be given the truth. The other reason is that I don't want to deceive myself. Even if I do feel okay, I don't want to say it and then think that I can do without things that have helped me.

Yesterday, I wrote that I'm okay. While I think that still stands, I must admit that I don't feel as okay today. Maybe I see that statement as a relatively long-term consideration, reaching back into the recent past and extending into the near future. If I say that I'm okay, I believe that I've been okay, and I expect to continue being okay.

I'm not particularly worried about how I feel right now. I just had a few suicidal thoughts today. They weren't too intense. I didn't seriously consider them. Nothing happened today that should have triggered those thoughts, but there doesn't really have to be justification. Still, perhaps the justification is that those thoughts serve as reminders to take care of myself, after my declaration yesterday. Reminders that I can't get ahead of myself, or those sorts of thoughts may become more of an issue. That's all.

However, I'm still confident that I'm okay. I hope that doesn't change, but I will stay alert. For the most part, I've gone through this all hoping that I'll at least be just as well the next day. I seem to have passed that uncomfortable state I was in a month ago. I'm relieved and satisfied about that.

Move on is the wrong advice

That's what I've learned from all of this. It is hardly ever right to just move on. Maybe it's best to define what I think moving on means. I think it's leaving behind, moving away, forgetting, detaching. However, the fact is that nobody can truly move on from their past or their present. They can lie about it, but that doesn't change it. Maybe people can move on from their future. Perhaps that's the only type of moving on that I accept, because the future is prone to change.

I'm not sure that things necessarily happen for a reason. That doesn't mean that we should assume that events are meaningless or simply take them as tragedies. Life may be a big, written, sectioned, timed test. The best strategy is to first try to answer the question; if that takes too long, come back to it later. Other questions may even help reveal the answer to the one you've set aside. There are some questions that won't be given until you're given the next section. Try to answer all the questions in a section before you're handed the next, or the incomplete answers will pile up. As later questions can help to answer prior ones, prior questions often build up to later answers; don't assume that all answers will simply come in time.

I feel like that metaphor is more complicated than what I actually tried to get across. Instead of moving on from an event that you consider to be an issue, try to find the lessons in and solution to it. If you can't see the solutions now, set the issue aside but do not forget it. Consider the issue regularly, but not incessantly. There are other events that you need to tend to daily. Even if you've come to a conclusion, don't be afraid to reevaluate and reaffirm it. It is not a bad thing to think, especially with a wonderful mind like yours.

The biggest difference between life and a written test is that your answers to events in life, or lack thereof, affect other lives. When my answer was, "End it with her, because she's not loyal enough," it changed your life. When your answer was, "Don't stay by him, because he's making me worse," it changed my life. Learning from life takes a lot of effort. Resolving issues takes a lot of effort. Moving on can take effort, but without teaching nor resolving. It's a waste, leaving useless blanks.

Your solution to my distress is a huge blank that you left. I can't make you fill it in. I can only ask you to look at it.

I'm okay

When I was in high school, somebody came to me and asked, "Why are you always smiling?" I blinked and said I didn't know. I often saw a boy on campus who was always frowning. I wondered to myself, "What's he always frowning about?" I never talked to him, though. I figured it wasn't my business.

When I first took the plunge into depression, I stopped smiling. I wasn't comfortable with them anymore. I felt like every smile I gave was too ingenuine to exist. And I did fake many, many smiles. When I was being genuine, I was always frowning. I only felt comfortable while frowning. That must be the answer for those questions asked years ago. Why was I always smiling? Because that's what I felt comfortable with. Why was he always frowning? Because that's what he felt comfortable with. Those were our genuine expressions.

Saying that I was okay or fine was always a lie. I was afraid of lies. Even when I was faking a smile, I usually couldn't bring myself to say that I was fine or okay. I'd be very vague, even preferring other lies. "You know," I'd say to friends who I knew had no idea. There came a time when that passed, when I let myself handle the big lie.

However, I feel that saying that I'm okay is not so deceitful anymore. I can often say it and mean it. I can also truthfully say that I'm not okay. I know that I'm still not where I was when we were together. I don't expect to be that okay without you. I'm relieved that I am some part okay, though, and that part is big enough that saying so doesn't feel like a lie. I'm glad that my smiles feel genuine too, because I can be happy. It doesn't matter that my private frowns still ring true.

When I'm not paying attention, I still don't smile. However, I don't frown as severely as I used to. You can say that my expression is often neutral, even. Is such unhappiness the reason other people don't idly smile? Is it a part of life, inevitable even, to experience emotional trauma? Even as I regret losing you, I end up being thankful for this experience. I understand something entirely different. You can even say that I'm a person now. If I could change the past, I would still change it. Since what happened has happened, though, I have only our future to look toward. I will try to use everything I've learned.

Accidentally long shower

You know I take long baths. That's especially true when you're with me. Sorry, showers. You get mildly annoyed when I call it a bath. But yeah, I went in this evening around 9:00 and spent an hour and a half cleaning up. Forget climate change, I'm probably the main cause of the state drought.

Of course, you're not the only reason that I take long showers. That has been a habit of mine since long before I met you. Another reason today was because of my hair. For years I'd just let loose hair come out in the shower and down the drain, then be surprised and annoyed when the drain clogged. You taught me to stick the loose hair on the wall to dispose of later. Thoroughly removing my loose hair can take a while some days. You didn't have that problem because your hair is actually shorter than mine.

Since you don't have the aversion to loose hair that I do, you'd ball up our hair in your hand right after we showered. I used to use a paper towel to collect the hair. Wasteful, but that's how I felt comfortable doing it. Now I wait until the hair has dried and just wipe if off the wall into my hand.

I was also thinking. I was thinking about what I really wanted to say tonight, and how to say it. I did come up with a few topics, but as usual I don't know how to word most of them. Brainstorming was one of the main reasons I decided to step into the water now instead of midnight, actually. I probably should have taken an actual bath, for water efficiency. I do feel a bit bad about an hour and a half of wasted water. I didn't expect to take quite that long, though.

So, in a way, you can say that you're still a reason for me to take long showers. I wonder if you'll mind showering together when we're friends again? After we broke up, you once had me stay in your bathroom while you showered so we could chat, even undressing in front of me. Your reasoning was that I've done more than just see that body so there was nothing to hide. I love the way you think.

I wonder how reading this will make you feel. There isn't a particular way that I want you to feel about my little shower stories. There isn't a reason to write about this to begin with, but I don't see a good reason not to. Something brought you to this sentence, at any rate. If you bothered to read this, I'm sure you'll bother to read another message.

Both weakness and strength

Weak, to avoid death.
Strong, to embrace life.
Each at their own time,
in their rightful place.

I'm saving myself

Let me clear this up right now. I understand exactly why you're gone. You stayed by me for a short while, dragging me away from suicide. On the beach, you told me that we could be romantically involved again. You took that back. You told me we could be best friends. I tried to just accept that, but I doubted my will to live without your love. I realized that I was saying too much to you for nothing. I went to therapy. It helped me. But it was too late. That evening, you stopped talking to me.

You're gone because I didn't improve quickly enough. I thought I needed you to be even closer to even keep breathing. I was wrong. Look at me now, months later. I am alive, even though I'm probably dead to you. Look at me now. I'm managing and even enjoying life, even though you're not lessening my burdens. Look at me. The only place you are in my life is in my heart, yet I'm still using you to get better.

I think that perhaps I'm as well as I'll ever be without you here. I think I can push myself through this world without you here. However, I don't want to. The reason I'm still going is so that I'm well enough for you to take my side again. I'm aiming to be able enough that you can hold my hand without having me drag you down. This hurts. My feelings hurt.

I am bleeding from innumerable slices across the skin of my life. The apathy of depression is a drug that removes the pain, but also removes the grip from my hands. My will is a hot iron that I use to cauterize my wounds. To keep my life from bleeding out, I cannot just dose up on apathy. But endure too many burns at once and I'll black out, dropping the iron, while wounds open up again. Nobody else can hold that iron. Nobody else can close my wounds. The most anyone can do to help is keep me awake. The voice I hear loudest is yours.

The words from those who are placing themselves right next to me sound raspy and puny. Yet even just the echo of you in my heart chimes clearly, though distantly. If you were with me, holding my hand, I could stay awake, perhaps even burn all these wounds shut. If your echo has brought me this far, then maybe your presence would bring me the rest of the way. That's why I have this to say.

Please. I think I've done enough on my own.

I was her friend

There was a time when she and I texted comfortably. I don't have any of those texts anymore, since I had to reset my phone and the texts were too old for MightyText to keep in archive for free. There were a few topics we conversed on that I remember pretty clearly though.

We talked about religion. She told me that she is Wiccan, and I told her that I was Christian. Sounds like we have a huge difference in belief, but we don't. I believe it possible that she can light a candle with a snap of her fingers. More generally, we believe in magic. I think I brought up the time you threw a dalmation figurine at a glass and the figurine somehow ended up inside the glass. We both believe in spirits. I told her about the seance I held with you and our friends. She said that was more of a gypsy thing. What makes me particularly smile when remembering that conversation is that she thanked me for noting that it was a safe seance. Most Christians automatically label seances as unsafe and demonic regardless of method, and many teens who give seances a shot don't take precautions and do create a potentially dangerous situation. You can understand her relief in my position.

After you, my brother, and I watched Divergent in theaters, I remember texting her about it. As I recall, she's read the books. We talked about what factions we'd be in. She and I agreed that we'd fit into Erudite for our intelligence. However, I said that I probably wouldn't actually choose that faction. If Dauntless drops members through a series of rigorous tests of bravery and combat prowess, I'm sure Erudite would drop me for being lazy. I suggested that her laziness would threaten her too were she to join Erudite, especially because they'd probably have videogames available to them. She said the videogames would be seal the deal for her decision. Now I'm not sure whether I'd risk joining Erudite or give myself to Abnegation.

Finally, I remember a time when she confided in me. She told me that she was having an issue with how you were acting with her. I can't remember exactly what the issue was, but I don't want to remember precisely anyway. She talked to me about it at night while you were asleep. I listened to her, consoled her, talked about it. I fell asleep while texting, though. If you hadn't found out about that conversation, I probably wouldn't be talking about it now; I may have forgotten. But that morning, after having sex with me, you borrowed my phone to mess with some apps. The screen unlocked right to our conversation. You saw everything, even saw a text that she'd sent when I was asleep. You got very upset that we'd had this private conversation about you.

After we broke up, you tried to tell me that I didn't actually care about her. You said I was only interested in her body. No, she was a dear friend that I loved. She was a wonderful friend to me. Until the day she realized where her attractions lie. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised at what she kept from me. I shouldn't have been upset with her. I shouldn't have transformed it into a test of loyalty for you. I expect her to never regard me as a friend again. Sometimes I think terrible things about her, too. However, when I look at the relationship she and I had as a whole, I still see her as a friend. She is still a person that I care about. She isn't an enemy for being a liar. She's imperfect like any human, like myself. She deserves nothing less than kindred regard.

K project

As with Blue Exorcist, the first episode of K didn't quite catch me. However, I have to admit that a scene from the preview at the end of it convinced me to continue immediately.

That girl is a cat, simply called Neko. She belongs to a schoolboy named Yashiro Isana. Yashiro, or Shiro for short, lives on an islet at the boarding school that occupies it. Every student he comes across, often to mooch food off of, likes him. His personality is subdued and kindred. All is normal at the near-future Japanese campus, with its cleaning bots that yell at trash to die, but then Shiro is asked to run some errands in town. There, he's attacked by hoodlums wielding red flames, and saved by a swordsman who battles not with his blade but with arms of midnight-blue energy extended from his own hands.

Can I take a moment to say how adorable this scene is? You should see the Shiro's face in the previous shot! Anyway, once the ship has begun to sail and the two get to a safe rooftop, the swordsman, known as the Black Dog, draws his sword on Shiro. A video a person took one night ended up having recorded him being shot to death. The shooter is a man who claims to be Yashiro Isana, the seventh, colorless king. The shooter looks exactly like Shiro as well. Kuroh has come to the conclusion thus that Shiro is an evil king and, by his master's orders, is determined to execute Shiro. But Shiro doesn't remember committing the crime.

I'm glad that a cat convinced me to continue this series. Of course, the cat alone would have driven me away from it. Combined with beautiful (blushing) boys, supernatural abilities, and mystery, though, Neko heightened my curiosity just to the point that I couldn't just stop watching. Immediately after the first episode, much more humor becomes apparent, starting with Shiro's handling of his execution. Relationships develop and are revealed. The workings of these powers and the concept of the kings are brought out in stages. And the soundtrack is swanky, though at some places incorrectly applied. There's a track played during a helicopter scene that's just so perfect the first time! But I'll let you get to that on your own. I'd rather give you the opening!

Judging by the opening songs of other anime you like, I think this is your thing. ^.^ And as you can see there's a plentiful cast of pretty boys. I'm wondering if you did a double-take, "Was that Axel?" Because that was my first thought upon seeing the Red King. Guess it's inevitable when you've got crimson, spiky hair and flame powers. Another quick note on franchises I've been reminded of. Factions and flame powers? Couldn't help but have Katekyo Hitman Reborn! pop into my head. Not that K should be compared to those two, really. This action-mystery anime that dresses scifi as supernatural should be regarded in its own domain. I'm very sure that you'll enjoy this anime when you put some time aside for it!

God could be depressed

It can be argued that recent times have been godless. Who knows how far you want to stretch "recent times" to encompass. There doesn't seem to have been any sort of divine intervention on a biblical scale. You and I know that there have been miracles, but many feel that so-called blessings aren't widespread enough. The general consensus appears to be that, for an all-powerful creator, God doesn't care to do enough.

My response to that is that we don't understand God. We can't hope to understand God. He acts beyond the bounds of our wisdom and comprehension. But here's a thought: maybe that's a problem. Many reject God's will. Some are ambivalent to it. People of the Book accept it. Who is there to truly understand God's will? Nobody. How many supposed followers are truly doing good for their fellow humans? Arguably not enough. And how does He feel about that?

Nobody understands. Nobody helps enough. Nothing you do is enough. You waste everything you're given. You scare and burden people. You're a killer. It's all your fault. The world would be better off without you.

Depressed people have so much potential. They can do so much when their depression isn't getting the best of them. A depressed God would make a lot of sense. It wouldn't be that He can't help, or that He has some grand plan. He'd simply be terribly discouraged from doing anything. What's the point of doing anything? Something always goes wrong. Someone always drags the world back down. This isn't a theory I'm going to subscribe to, just an interesting thought to entertain. It came to me when I recalled these lyrics:

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is godliness, and God is empty just like me.

Netflix has those shows you love

After finishing another anime today, I went browsing through Netflix for new ones to watch when I've got time. One of the newer additions to the roster is Bill Nye the Science Guy, no kidding. Markiplier seems real excited about that. I'm only bringing that up because Marki brought it up, I know you're quite sick of that show. But Netflix also has some other lovely additions since you and I last bothered to search your favorites. I'll list 3 that I know you love.

Criminal Minds

When you searched with me, Netflix only had a movie. Sometime between then and now they got the actual show on their roster! Since I saw Gideon in the S1:E1 thumbnail I had reason to believe their archive starts at the beginning. A quick Google tells me that the first nine seasons have been up on Netflix since August of last year. Wow, we should have thought of looking twice! I love what I know of the show, so I know this is something I'll have to resist binge-watching now that I'm aware of its availability.

House, M.D.

Netflix has more than one of your favorite doctors. All 8 seasons of House and his adventures, medical and otherwise, have been available since April of last year. I've seen the beginning and I've seen the end, and I've certainly seen enough to be familiar with House and the characters who have been in his department. Now I can fill in the holes in my knowledge with my Netflix subscription. Since the series ended in 2012, there's absolutely no rush to fill in the holes in my series knowledge; it's not going anywhere, hopefully. I'll certainly have fun watching this on the occasion.

Psych

This show we did find before we separated, and we watched a few random episodes of it. You've seen absolutely every episode of this one. I have to admit that I haven't so adamantly been catching up on Psych, but I've watched one occasionally, hopping around. I believe in the last episode I saw Shawn and Gus infiltrated a posh facility for the mentally unstable. Shawn was a great nut, which comes as no surprise. Wasn't this also the last show we watched together? I think it was playing as I looked up places for us to dine at, before our last outing. Psych came up in my consciousness again recently as I discovered that it is one of the few shows that has referenced Supernatural. I'll pop a few more episodes soon, I'm sure.

So visit me, visit her, or get your own subscription and you can enjoy any episode of any of these shows that you'd like. And, of course, there's much more to watch, too. I've got a few more anime to try on Netflix, then I've got Criminal Minds in my sights. All the while I've got to make sure to keep to my responsibilities. I'm relieved to be able to live so normally now.

I'm not angry for this

I'm not angry at you for not staying by me. I know you were led into this course of action. I can't feel anger during this depression anyway. It should be clear that I wouldn't be angry at you right now. What might be questionable is whether I was ever angry at you since we broke up.

I was angry at you once. Surely you remember that. I was trying to find another relationship, with the person I could trust most. I told you who that person was. She was already in a relationship, so you told her about my interest before I was able to confess. That was to keep her from being "blindsided". When you told me that you'd already told her, we three were driving to hang out at my house. I had planned to confess to her there. Instead, I was the one blindsided. I was so angry that I yelled at you to get out of my car. You insisted on at least being taken to your mom. I dropped you off there.

I was angry, but that didn't quite have to do with not staying by me. When I gave you the ultimatum between your two loves and you let me down, I wasn't angry at you. As we went along being friends, I often acted like a jerk, but that wasn't to vent anger. It was to create distance while you became independent and I looked for a healthy relationship. I wasn't angry when you stopped talking to me, either. I was scared for my well-being. Ever since you stopped listening, I've been scared.

This doesn't make me angry. This scares me. Maybe if you knew that you would act like the best friend you said you were to me.

Precipitation unheard

Droplets float lightly;
precipitation, unheard,
felt only outside.

Tengen toppa gurren lagann

Pierce the Heavens, Gurren Lagann!

Above is Shimón, whose name is suspiciously close to that of everyone's favorite Disney meerkat. Like the meerkat, he lives in an underground village and his place in that village is to dig holes. He's largely an outcast, particularly unattractive to the girls. He has a hand in causing quite a bit of trouble for the village. That's where most of the similarities end, though. Unlike our meerkat, Shimón is the best digger in the village. He's only dragged into the mischief of his buddy and older-brother-figure Kamina. The poor boy's parents aren't alive to be concerned about how he's treated by the village. The existence of a surface is treated as a myth by the village.

One last difference: Shimón's adventure begins at home. He often discovers neat knicknacks while digging, such as the little drill above. That's just one part of the find, though; he also excavates a big metal head in the ground. Before he can show his bro Kamina, a much bigger metal head crashes through the ceiling of the village, flooding it with sunlight. This face isn't inactive, though, and it starts to wreck the village. A girl with an energy rifle swings in by rope to help, adding to the confusion. After brief introductions - the girl is named Yoko - Shimón brings Kamina and Yoko to the face he found. His drill begins to glow, and he's able to activate the face with it; the three jet out of the tunnels inside atop the mech-head and manage to flying-uppercut the enemy head right back up to the surface. Shimón and Kamina see a view like they have never seen before.

This post-apocalyptic scifi anime just gets better from there, as Shimón leaves his home with Pumba and Simba Kamina and Yoko, adventuring into the big, wide world. This anime both expounds on stereotypes and blasts expectations away, providing a commendable balance of moments that you totally saw coming and moments that will likely blindside you. The world of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is slowly unearthed with each episode, the methodical madness woven into an impressive tapestry. Your biggest question may be, "Giant face robots, what the hell?" That actually does get answered, don't worry.

If you're still not sure whether to watch, how about giving the intro a play? I just love it.

So, that's all my words of praise! Watch this anime and I guarantee you'll be pleasantly surprised by it!

Memorial day

It sounds wrong to say, "Happy Memorial Day!" It's specifically a day commemorating our soldiers' deaths. Can't really be happy about that unless you're an anarchist or have no regard for a warrior's life. Makes sense to be proud, but Memorial Day celebrations aren't usually stoic in nature. Cookouts, alcohol, et cetera. Then again, perhaps indulging in the freedoms that the armed forces protect is an appropriate way to appreciate the lives given for it.

Mom grilled up some steak. We also slapped steak sauce on some veggie patties for me and cooked them on tin foil above the grill. When the patties were cooked, Mom set them on the actual grill to give them racing stripes. It's really crazy how much the flavor of the meat I used to eat was actually just the sauce! The patties were delicious. My brother enjoyed his fill of steak, so I'd say it was delicious too. Also had some white rice with peas and carrots. I've been avoiding white rice, but I piggily grabbed a few servings of the stuff. Mom also made a medley of vegetables, main ingredient being string beans. I ate that right up, too. Yeah, I didn't really limit my plate today. Heheh.

The only special part we made of today was making the food, though. We didn't all sit together to eat. Sorry, we're not that patriotic. Actually, it was my brother's idea to cook today. And he's supposed to be the unsentimental one! My mom thinks he was just thinking of the food, not the holiday. Probably true, but I'll choose to think he cared about the day. I finished yet another anime, Samurai Champloo. I really liked it, especially the soundtrack, but I don't think you'd care enough to watch. So I won't be writing up a recommendation for that one. I've still got Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann to write up, after all!

What'd you do today? It wasn't too sunny, but did your uncle invite you for a get-together anyway? I hope you ate as much delicious food as I did and enjoyed time you spent with your family. Even sans family, you got today off from school. It's always nice to get time off school. It's been nice for me because for once I haven't had school assignment to worry about. Yep, it happens once every 10 weeks, haha. I get right back into another module tomorrow, though. Since my bro's back to school too, I'm assuming you are. Hope you've been able to relax!

Another outing with bro and mom

The passed day, my little brother and I took my mom out for shopping! First stop was the mall downtown and, within that, the food court. My brother neglected to eat before we left, so he was starving. I wasn't opposed; it'd been a few hours since I'd eaten, so whatever. First thing I noticed is that the Wetzel's Pretzels there was shuttered, its outside stripped! I instantly regretted not getting pretzels there while it was open just last month. I know that's sad news for you too. Let us mourn the loss of the dear store together. =[

My bro got some crispy shrimp, which he liked the taste of but which gave him a stomach ache. I had my first Panda Express ever: mixed vegetables with eggplant tofu and two veggie spring rolls. Well, that was the order. At first they didn't have fresh mixed vegetables, so I waited on that. When they got the vegetables, they only had one spring roll left over. I decided, what the heck, I'd wait some more. And so I waited such a long time that they gave me these cheese-filled scrumps apologetically. I ended up just taking the last spring roll. The food was delicious, even if the frying pans didn't align for me, haha.

Hitting up Hot Topic, I snagged a two shirts I liked on clearance. One has 12 of the Doctor's mugs lined up on it. I could have gotten a snazzy shirt with Clara and on it accompanied by words of mystique and praise in French. But you know that neither Clara nor French are my favorites. In retrospect, I feel bad that none of those shirts had Capaldi on it. I need to get a shirt with him on it as soon as I can, because I am really satisfied with his Doctor.

The other says "smile, your life is tolerable" (sans comma). I hope it's true for anyone that sees me wearing it. It's definitely more acceptable than saying life's good, and at the least it's funny in a slightly dark way. The shirt is more advice for myself than for anyone else, though. My little brother got a soft, light scarf decorated with police boxes. My mom got a pocket mirror with Arial on it. While the mirror is cute, why get something like that when you can use your smart phone screen these days? Anyway, there were a lot of other options, but we didn't want to drain Mom's purse too much.

Unsurprisingly, the World of Warcraft merch my mom was hoping for was absent at Hot Topic. Physical WoW products were also absent from the GameStop next door. We could have checked out a store called Comics and Stuff, but by that time my mom was too discouraged. Sorry Mom, I should have gotten you into a game that was actually cool. Haha. Anyway, we had more parking garage adventures. You'd think I'd have the structure down by now, but no. While we didn't get lost per se, we didn't really make our way straight back to the car. The thing is that we started in a weird place, but I made our way to somewhere I recognized from my previous excursions. All was well!

We went to Costco to pick up food for today, Memorial Day. We'll be making a nice little dinner, you see. My mom got really uptight about me riding in the shopping cart, so if I can help it I will no longer take her with me and my brother to places with shopping carts. >.> We also went to the bakery for sweetbread and donuts. Since I rejected sweetbread for myself, I instead indulged in a slice of carrot cake. When I opened the container, the carrot-shaped icing popped right off the cake and stuck to the lid. That was just somehow funny. The carrot had a weird texture! The cake was yummy, anyway, and everyone at home at least liked it. Sorry you didn't get a bite.

That's it for yesterday. I've been watching Samurai Champloo, and I didn't leave myself enough time for two messages. I started on the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann recommendation, but I realized that I wouldn't get it done so I switched over to this. That recommendation will come out today, promise. By the way, today is also International Towel Day, so I hope you know where your towel is! Take care~

All is wrong

In this mind, all is wrong.
The truth is sadness, wrong.	My lie is blind faith, wrong.
This pain is nothing, wrong.	A smile is short-lived, wrong.
To embrace demise, wrong.	To pursue lost love, wrong.
Which wrong will make it right?