The legal threat doesn't really matter

I realized the most peculiar thing. I don't really care about all this restraining order bullshit. While I'm running around filing legal papers, I don't feel any worse than I normally do. Filling out those legal forms hasn't really tossed me for an emotional beatdown. I was filling my ears with electro while typing my statement, but that's more the pain of recounting what's been done wrong. And that's probably the reason for the one typo I made.

Though, as the hearing draws nearer, I am anxious. I want to say the right things. I want you and the judge to hear and care. At the same time, I'm scared that I'll say things that will only worsen things for me, like when I talked to the police. I'm not looking forward to the continued suffering, but I know that it will probably occur whatever the ruling is. Most likely, you still won't be ready to fix this on Friday. I just don't want a restraining order to get in the way when you are ready.

I'm concerned for me. I'm concerned for you. The legal stuff on its own honestly hardly concerns me. I just want us to be okay.

Depressed isn't the worst thing

I'm somewhat relieved that I'm primarily depressed. It's better than, for example, being primarily irritable. I surely wouldn't be able to keep a smile with strangers if I were primarily irritable. And it's much better that I'm not primarily murderous. I mean, then I would actually be a threat. One more example? I'm glad that I'm not primarily vicious. There are fates worse than death, and I have no desire to bind people to those fates.

Being depressed is harmful to the people around me, but it certainly isn't the worst thing. I said I'd lie to people, and I am lying, but my mask slips away very easily. I've trained myself so well to open up to people that covering up is now difficult. Still, my efforts have helped the people around me. They're happier when they see me acting happy, laughing, indulging myself. You'd be happy around me, too; since being with me helps me overcome my depression, my coverup would be more effective.

All in all, I'm somewhat satisfied that I'm only depressed. That means that I'm not a threat. And that means that I can be with you.

How much do you see

Since you don't interact with me at all now and you don't often post anything online, I hardly know anything about how you are right now. But to know how I'm doing takes only a few clicks. I have no idea whether you're actually reading this. I have no idea whether you bother to look at your Google+ stream and see me there. It's not too hard to know my state offline, either. I talk to two of our friends in particular quite a bit, so a few inquiries to them about me would inform you.

Before I started this blog, I sent you an SMS once saying that I'd gone and visited one of those friends. He told me last week that you actually contacted him asking about my visit. But that was when you weren't so determined to show utter disregard for me. That was when you weren't afraid to +1 a GIF of a tiny turtle dancing under a stream of tap water. When I told you that you'd made me happy by +1ing that, you stopped interacting with me completely. You even blocked me on G+. It seems as if you think my suffering is a good thing.

But you unblocked me soon after. Do you not really want to hurt me? Where is the line drawn? How much are you keeping yourself from caring about me? With all these questions, there's just one thing I'm pretty sure of: you do still care about me.

Thank you for caring.

I wish to be like that

Today, I passed by a guy who was bicycling while walking his dog. He tried to extend a friendly greeting to an older couple, but they stared at him and didn't respond. I decided to comment to him, "Cute dog!" He replied, "Thanks! How's it going, man?" "Pretty good," I said as we passed each other. "Yeah, I wish I could be like you," he told me as he and his dog traveled on.

I'd said that I felt pretty good. I wish I hadn't been lying.

Who can hurt me

One person I talked to today thought that he should leave Google+ in order to avoid hurting his friends. Something like a more broad, less extreme version of my past desire to die to avoid hurting you. I convinced him to stay, telling him that communication is key. He told me that he foresaw me cursing him out and telling him to die sometime before I quit G+ myself. Can you guess why that won't happen?

The only thing that can hurt me right now is you. You're the sole reason and cure for my suffering. What other people do to damage me doesn't deeply affect me. I get frustrated when they suggest that our separation is a positive thing, because it should be quite clear that it isn't. Nowadays I'll be quite blunt with people when I'm upset, since I've been pretty blunt about my feelings in general. But, once I've finished talking to the other person, that anger disappears pretty instantly. Just as I can't stay happy for long, I can't stay upset for long. It's like sadness is the only feeling that is meaningful enough to persist. All in all, I wouldn't be able to value my wrath enough to say those things to him.

The next part is that I won't quit G+. I understand the value of communication now more than anyone else. Having people to support me adds up to let me bear my life without you. By quitting G+, I would isolate myself and simply deteriorate. I don't want that. If I were to want to die again, I wouldn't bother quitting G+ and making myself suffer further. I'd leave everything up and simply go die. I don't really want to hurt myself.

It's almost comforting to know that you're the only one who can hurt me. I know that you'd never truly want to hurt me, even if you have put me through the worst month of my life.

I love the rain

My window is open right now. I can hear the rain falling. I can hear the wet sounds of the drenched day. I've always told you that I love the rain. I understand why some wouldn't like it: it is cold, makes everything soggy, increases the chance that one will slip, splotches up glasses. But despite all that, I love the rain. There are practical reasons to like it, such as the fact that it keeps wild plants hydrated. That's fine, but I love the rain for much more than that. There's the beauty of its presence and the comfort of its sounds. There's the way that it gives purpose to a grey sky. There's the way that it transforms our dry world into something renewed. I feel like a haiku, so here is one to close this post.

From grey skies, falling,
your droplets transform my world
into what I love.

Empty indulgence

To keep up this whole lie that I'm okay, I have to not fret about the future. I'd like to have a plan, but when I try to think one up the possible failures pop up too. In my state, those thoughts of failure really rattle me. So I indulge myself completely in the present, and that's not really healthy either. Well, I've accepted that I can't really be healthy in this situation, so that's not so much of a concern. Whatever gets me by goes right now.

Indulging myself in something inconsequential feels pretty empty when you're not involved. I feel like a little kid, aimless and distracted. Better than letting myself feel my depression and stress, I guess.

A month

One month has passed since my emotions began to flare. On the first day of last month, I spent much of my time with you. When I am by your side, I feel well. I cling to you because you make me feel safe from myself. You once told me that, when you're alone and everything is silent, dark thoughts consume you. If being with me quieted those thoughts, now I completely understand why you held on to me so tightly. Holding you clears my thoughts. I love having nothing but your presence in my mind.

I didn't want to leave you, but the promise of seeing you the next day left me able to cope with being away from you. Today, the next day is much further away than it should be.

The game

I lost The Game.

Well, I had to get you back somehow for all of my suffering. That's pretty much the extent of my revenge, though. I almost feel sorry for all my readers who are going to lose The Game just because of this silly post. Then again, this sort of thing is truly unexpected on this sort of blog, so do I earn brownie points for that?

This lightheartedness is really wearing me down but, again, I'll deal with that in a few days. This isn't a game to me, but I'll go ahead and have my fun for now. It's better than dwelling on how helpless I am.

Who is there

I'm there for other people. I'm telling them not to commit suicide. I'm urging them to talk to people. I relate to them that depression is hard to overcome, and there is no one perfect way to recover from it. I prompt them to accept their feelings, like I've accepted mine, but to not use them as motivation to kill themselves.

Other people are there for me. They also give me reasons not to die. They offer to talk to me if I ever need to discuss my feelings and situation with them. A lot of them say to stay strong, not really knowing that I'm already weak and intend to stay weak, but I know they mean well. Most of them only know how depression works on the surface, and I almost don't want them to understand how it works deep inside.

I keep lying to myself and saying that you're there. Honestly, you abandoned me. You know better than to do that; you stayed with me at first, and you've stayed with others to support them. But I scared you out of your wits, and the situation seems to most like it has passed the point of recovery. I still have hope to fix this all. You'll be there in less than a week. I hope what I say sinks past your fear and into your heart.

What's ours is mine

I told one of our mutual friends that I think about you in many of the things I do. He said to make those things my own. I think I've begun to do that. When I watch our favorite YouTubers, I watch them because they make me happy. When I take pictures of my family like you'd often be forced to do, I remind myself that they are my family. When I watch TV series and movies, I keep in mind that I am enjoying the show. Anime was always more my passion than yours, so watching anime is easily my thing, no emphasis required.

On the flip side, I'm not going to lie and say that they are only mine. I do occasionally remember how we used to do these things together, and I wish we were still doing it together. But that isn't the primary thought in my mind, at least not while I'm actually doing those things. While I'm enjoying myself, those thoughts of us being together aren't regretful but hopeful. We'll do this again someday. It'll all be fine, and we'll be best friends again. And you still won't want to watch anime with me, but I'll just do that on my own.

While I'm making our things mine, I'll play Final Fantasy VII all the way through. You aren't holding me back in Midgar anymore with your plea, "Don't play any further than I have!" No matter how much you roleplay FFVII, that game and its lore are going to be my experience. The flip side to this? I'm looking forward to roleplaying it with you again... you'll like that, too.

Blogging

A new friend of mine told me that she'd like to blog as well. I think, similar to this blog, it'd be a vent. She's posted some well-woven words on her G+ profile. She asked me to impart blogging knowledge to her (which I didn't really consider myself having) so this post will be a reflection on what I do on this blog.

Subject

Tell Her Before I Die is about a person whose struggle with depression is alleviated by communicating to a particular woman, though that woman refuses to respond. The posts, thus, have to do with that struggle or with that woman.

Fictionality

This blog is nonfictional. Nothing that is posted here will ever be fictional.

Presentation

I present my blog as a digital collection of unsent or open letters. You may notice that the gadget that connects to my G+ profile is identified with "Yours truly," as if it were my signature on these letters. I do recognize the letters as part of a blog, though.

Addressal

The second person, or the reader, in my posts is assumed to be the woman that the person wants to communicate with. The person is referred to in the first person as the author. Except for celebrities, other people are addressed by their relation to the person and the woman rather than by name. These rules don't apply to other elements of my blog, though. For example, the Suicide & Self-Harm Prevention box is addressed to the internet at large.

Language

My blog is written in American English. The mood of the language used ranges from casual to romantic.

Patterns

• I update the blog twice daily.
• A post title's only capitalized letter is the first letter. The titles follow proper grammar rules for capitalization. The titles lack ending punctuation (periods, exclamation marks, question marks).
• In terms of HTML, I adhere to HTML5 standards. I place my content in an article element. That element's ID starts with the letter a followed by the date and daily post number, in the format of aDD-MM-YY-#.

Tendencies

• I often end my posts with a closing thought, normally only a sentence long.
• My posts usually consist of some paragraphs of prose in mostly-plain text, with some italics for emphasis. This post and my Valentine post are examples of deviations from that.
• The post titles are usually a phrase or sentence that summarizes the post.

Someone wanting to blog should consider what their blog's subject, fictionality, presentation, addressal, language, patterns, and tendencies will be. Those are the essence of a blog, as far as I can tell. I wonder if you would want to run a blog?

Light-hearted approach

You know, I never got to share my wide variety of music loves with you. You usually want to listen just to the music you already have. So I have no idea whether you'd enjoy this electro playlist I have on. For all I know, maybe an ulterior motive to this restraining order business is so you don't have to listen to music with me? Last time we listened to music together, I was crying and whimpering about so many of them. If you were listening to my music, maybe you'd be crying and whimpering to let your ears stop bleeding! X3

By the way, couldn't you have picked a different court date? I have to postpone my dental appointment due to your inconsideration, jeez. I rather fancy my dentist, you know. I'm not sure you would, given how insecure you are about your teeth... how do you treat your dentist, anyway? o.O

Okay, there is one thing very serious that I need to ask you about. Your sister stopped talking to me. I really need her to talk to me again, because I'm gonna die if I don't get more episodes of Game of Thrones. Gotta get the goods from her! Gotta see more of my favorite characters die I guess ;~; it's addicting.

Welp, hope your night is going well! And I hope you get BBC America over in New York, because Doctor Who is starting back up in Autumn~ Talk to ya sometime!

It isn't quite going back

For a while now, I've been going back through the Liked videos on my YouTube account and listening to the music. It's 3,248 videos long right now, and I'm on video 3,110. I can relate to some songs in ways I didn't understand before. Other songs help to distract me. The songs at this point are ones I knew long before I knew you.

I hope that listening to these songs can help me pretend that I never met you. Of course meeting you was a good thing. It was the best thing in our lives; I did put you together with her, after all. But right now it is not a good thing for me. The days when I didn't know you were the days when I could live without you, so I'll pretend that I'm in those times. Or, I'll pretend that nothing has changed since those times.

Music is truly my escape now, it seems.

Skip

The best thing I could think of happening to me right now is becoming unconscious until you speak to me. Hand me a poison apple or spinning wheel, please. Just let me sleep until you come to me. I don't want to go through this suffering. I don't want to die, either, because then I couldn't speak to you. I would lay limp and unthinking for years if it meant I could wake up to you. I would waste all of my life to avoid my suffering until you speak to me.

But there's no way that can happen. Most likely, I'm going to suffer. I can't decide whether I'm scared to suffer. Maybe I'm afraid of losing hope. Right now I want to live, but I'm afraid of losing that desire. So I'd rather be unconscious, so it'd be impossible for me to contemplate suicide. I'm scared of the possibility that I'll think it best to die again.

Hump day

Wednesday is Hump Day! Smack in the middle of the work week, it's the day that the ire of school students and full-time employees peak. After that, they start looking forward to the upcoming weekend. So, if you were to graph the ire, the graph would look like a hump.

I've decided to start celebrating Hump Day on my G+ profile. How to do that? One way is to post camels, the patron creature of humps! Besides Quasimodo, that is. The other way is to consider humping, or pelvic thrusting, and post something sexy. I'm doing more of the latter, particularly in defiance of the recognition of Sexual Sunday. I did get two camels in there, though. It may surprise you to know that one of those camels also fit in that second category of posts. Oh, furries~

You never actively look for NSFW images; you're the text type, reading fanfic galore. But you always appreciated those images with me when I came across them. I bet you'd like the eyecandy that's on my profile today. I'll add Quasimodo in a bit.

I hope you've had a good week. Look forward to the weekend!

I reveal so much

I said that I'd start lying to myself, but I have been having trouble starting to do so again. In my room, I don't bother to chase away thoughts of you. With my family, it's hard not to show how frustrated and downtrodden I am. In public, I can only give a courtesy smile for some seconds. Whenever I talk to our friends, I can't help but fawn over you. I admit to them, "I need her to reach back out to me." And they're put in such an awkward position, knowing how much I need you but not wanting to take a particular side. There shouldn't be sides to begin with, but of course they've developed.

I think I actually care about breaking further. I don't want to shatter by lying to myself. I'm so selfish that I'd rather bring everyone else down. Well, at least I haven't overwhelmed them like I did to you. Then again, I couldn't possibly open up to them like I did to you. On top of that, I won't ever allow myself to let my emotions all torrent out, unfettered and unrestrained, again. Nobody should have to deal with that.

I never would have thought that the solution would be to tell the world, to be honest. I always thought that these deep afflictions are something to be shared with a trusted and loved few. I know now that this thinking is wrong. I'll talk to many people and tell them just enough. When I can care again, I'll be so grateful that they have been there for me.

And what about them

I want this to be just about you and me. But, to begin with, she is involved. That's not as much of a problem as I made it out to be when I broke up with you. Next, your family is involved. They like me, but they're as scared of this situation as I am. Our friends are involved; I'm glad that they care about us equally and want the best for both of us. Finally, there's those strangers who tell you to stay far away...

I've always known that it isn't only you and me. Obviously, that's why I let you be with her. I'm never going to delude myself into thinking that I can be everything for you. But, just in the matter of speaking to each other... that should be between between you and me. I know you still want to talk. So, let's talk as soon as possible. Please don't let me suffer for so long.

You would like those things

When I'm doing all these things to distract myself, I keep thinking about how much you'd enjoy them. Listening to a piano and violin cover of a Mass Effect 3 song. Watching Sauron's mace being forged. Hell, even celebrating my grandmother's birthday, I thought you'd have fun spending time with us. Not sure if the cake would have been too spongy for you.

The moment those thoughts turn into regret, I lie to myself again. I make myself enjoy it. I convince myself that we'll be doing these things together again, even though I have no idea. Everyone else is happy as long as I've got this grin on my face and laughs coming from my throat. If you were talking to me, I'm sure you'd be happy that I'm enjoying myself. But, if you were talking to me, I probably wouldn't have to be lying in the first place.

I'm just so happy when we do things together. I can hardly wait to do that again. Literally.

Lying again

I'm going to lie to myself again for the next week and a half. There's nothing I can do here without you, so I might as well pretend that there's nothing wrong. I'll drown out my thoughts with fibs and distractions. It doesn't matter if that makes me crack more. You'll help to fix me.

I'll keep posting honestly here. I'm sure that I'll have even more to say as I chip away. More than that, I don't want to die before I can talk to you. Posting here convinces me stay. These lies are only to get me through my days without bringing everyone around me down. They really don't deserve that, when they can't even do anything to help me up.