Songwriter's contest

Earlier this week I was invited to a Songwriter's Contest. I said that maybe I'd submit an entry. In the shower, I did come up with a main verse, though the contest wasn't on my mind at the time. The song, which is tentatively titled Perfectly Yours, is about the promise of a pure devotion despite the fact that such a devotion cannot be requited. Based on a real story, and I think you can guess whose.

It appears that there will be anywhere from 12 to 22 contestants. I'm not really going for the win, but while I'm forcing myself to do things I might as well participate. I'll finish the song tomorrow morning. It's late and, as I mentioned, I'm quite tired right now. I think the deadline is 10AM, but that isn't particularly clear.

When I've written up the lyrics, I'll make sure to show them to you here. Someday I'll record a vocal performance of it, too. I did record that main verse, to note. I wonder if you'll like the song?

Woah tired

This evening I'm very tired much earlier than usual. Usually I'm hardly wanting to retire at midnight. But tonight it's only 10 and I'm nodding off. I'm hardly coherent enough to put words together right now, honestly.

I didn't just eat. I didn't physically work hard today. One possibility is that I'm having a good day, and my lack of apathy is causing me to feel the weariness of waking up too early. Another possibility is that watching shows is starting to put me to sleep, having given me enough distraction from my own thoughts. Finally, for dinner I ate much more than usual, so maybe the increase in food intake is doing this? That was hours ago, though, so I have my doubts.

I'm going to go with good day. I may have awoken early today, but it has been a pleasant day. Nobody said a mood can't start in the middle of the day, right? I hope I get a lot of sleep tonight and have another good day tomorrow! After I write my second message, that is. And, of course, I hope you sleep as much as you can.

Their smiles

To be honest, it's hard to see others' feelings as important when you're depressed. Apathy is not pleasant. But I do feel disappointed when I'm not acting like myself - the me that wasn't depressed, that is. That's because being myself is part of being successful, and that's what I'm trying to do to be able to talk to you again, remember?

One of the things I liked seeing was other people being happy. I've found myself making a lot of jokes and goofing off lately. I feel great when someone appreciates my lightness. The best part, though, is that I'm largely unaffected when someone just isn't taking it. In the end, it doesn't hurt me at all to act witty nor to act stupid. That's one upside I didn't expect from depression. Well, it's more directly from apathy.

I'm not too concerned about you smiling. There are people in your life that I'm sure make you smile every day. What I pray for is that you don't frown. The times when you got upset with me are gone, after all; I'm one less reason now for you to be angry. So I want to claim sole responsibility for inciting your wrath or your tears. If I had it my way, nobody else would be allowed to, ever.

Please keep smiling, love.

What is darkness

What is darkness? Is it really so bad? It keeps things unknown, concealed, mysterious. People don't need to know everything; they can't. Sometimes keeping things in the dark helps to make life smoother. And why are some matters inherently dark? Why are death, abuse, and violence dark? Dark things are so common, even plain to see. Even when brought to light, how are they still dark?

So what is light? How is it so good? Being able to perceive how things seem to be, is it always better than never having known? A corpse decomposes in the ground while another rots surrounded by blades of grass. Should the corpse in the grass be respected more than the one in the ground, given the sunlight shining brightly on it? Scars that can't be felt would be seen in the light, but under a blanket of darkness they disappear. Memories of joy and beauty can be forgotten; are they still light matters when they've faded into the darkness of oblivion?

I think light is okay. It's easier to live when the world is lit. But I think that darkness augments the beauty of light. When the full moon shines on a starry night, the world looks just wonderful.

Our problems, our worth

Everyone has problems.

Some people have more problems.
Some people have bigger problems.

A person's worth isn't based on problems that they have.
Our worth comes from problems that we solve.

Not all the midterms

It turns out a midterm test I was going to take today is actually going to be next week. Silly me, studying so hard so early. That's what I get for not paying attention to schedules and deadlines, I guess. I'm glad that I got the date early rather than late, though.

Another thing I learned. Each half of the test will be administered on different days, one being a knowledge part and and the other being a practical part. For the practical parts of midterms, we are given an assignment and several hours to actually put together the desired code. My midterms haven't ever been given two days to be done, so this is new and, in my opinion, pleasant. Once I just barely couldn't finish a midterm by the end of class because I was stuck on a bit of the practical part. Do you remember how frustrated I was that I couldn't finish? I remember telling you about it. The instructor decided to discount the practical part, instead just using our work to unofficially gauge our learning in the class. Most of the class simply gave up on that practical, by the way. Only one person managed to finish it.

Well, more studying to be done this week. Wish me luck for next week!

Inspiration

I've gotten a few compliments about Tell Her Before I Die. Beautiful, deep, and relatable are among the qualities ascribed. I appreciate these comments. Now if only they were left on the blog itself, instead of on G+.

There is one word that's been said to me that really gets me, though. Inspirational. How could these messages, or how could I, be inspirational? Whenever I think about inspiration, I think of things that already are and already have concluded. Inspirational stories are ones that turned out well. Inspirational people are the ones who have beaten all the odds and become successful or found peace. Relatable, understandable, even pitiful are what I can easily see my efforts and experiences as. But inspirational? I'm nowhere near a conclusion. All is not well, not yet.

That's me thinking narrowly, though. I can turn my head and see where that word is coming from. Maybe things don't need to have concluded to be motivational. Maybe it's the hope in a struggle that can be inspirational, not just the victory. From that angle, I understand. I say things like that I'll keep going for love, and maybe that is inspirational. In the Prevention box I say, "I'm still here for her, so maybe you can keep going." Sure, I hope that can truly be inspirational. I guess that, if I need a conclusion for something to inspirational, maybe I could look at the short term. Right now, I'm holding my ground against depression. I'm still alive and going on. That's a good thing. If that's the final note for this moment, then I think it is inspirational.

I guess I just prefer the word motivational for the short term, for things that aren't quite finished. I am motivated, by you and by everyone who reads this. Thank you for helping me to keep going.

Midterms

This week is midterm testing week for me. I couldn't concentrate on the last midterms and finals I had to do; I did very poorly on them. This time, though, I've been able to concentrate on studying. I focused on my test today and I feel that I did well! I'm somewhat proud of myself for that.

It just goes to show that I can do these things with the motivation of seeing you again. By keeping my will to be right for you, instead of berating myself with how wrong I am, I'm able to take life on! As you always have, you drive me to give what I've got. Everything is set up for me, I've just got to use this energy you give me to keep things in motion.

I'm still weak where I should be. I'm still careful not to force my way or lie to myself. But to be successful takes strength, and for that I'll use this strength that you give me. You needed me to be strong. This won't be too little, even if it is late. I'll get back to that place where we were so happy.

I failed love's test before. I've learned so much since then, studied my mistakes. When I can take that test again, I will pass. I promise.

Hard to keep a schedule

I just want to drift off. I just want to drift away. The tendency is to be swept behind, but I know that I shouldn't. I need to still be here if I'll get what I want.

That's why I'm posting minutes to midnight. Jeez, I was so close to giving up. Maybe I'd make up for it with 3 posts tomorrow, I've done it before! No, I can put forth effort. And you're worth that effort put forth!

No, I suppose this won't be a very long and deep message. But, basically, despite how difficult it may be for me, you are worth it. I'll do the best I can.

How can we

When I write the messages on Tell Her Before I die, I usually don't mean to say something inspirational or motivational. This is my outlet for my thoughts and feelings about you, from the most direct to the most tangential. However, when I talk to friends who are troubled, some more troubled than I am, I do try hard to help. I try to say things right and I try to help them progress. This morning I was talking to one such friend, and I made a certain statement that I wanted to share with you.

You can only tell the truth about what you feel. Nobody can tell the truth about their limits. They always see limits where there aren't any. Too often I say, "I can't just stop being depressed." That's probably not true. I could probably just snap my fingers and stop being depressed. It would likely wreck me mentally, but I could still do it. The reason I haven't done this is because I feel that I shouldn't simply stop; I need to truly recover. "Can we?" isn't what we should be asking. The real question is, "How can we?" I could just stop being depressed, but instead I want to work through it. I want to learn and improve, so that I can turn around and help.

We shouldn't simply say, "No, can't do that." We need to ask, "How could it be done?"

I should sleep earlier

I always go to sleep after midnight. That's what I've done for many years, with or without you. Now that I can only wake up early, though, maybe I should start sleeping earlier as well. It isn't like I'm feeling any particular effects from getting less sleep, but I'm trying to be normal right? A normal person is supposed to get at least 6 hours of sleep, at most 10 hours, ideally 8 hours. To get that, I need to turn in early.

Before my nightly prayers, my head is full of thought. Afterward, though, some hidden exhaustion bursts up and knocks me out. I never considered sleepiness to be a true feeling. If it is, then it makes sense that I wouldn't feel it most of the time, given how drained of emotions I am. It makes me wonder how truly tired I am with life. Not that knowing the answer would make any difference, really. Just curiosity of the cat, as always.

I wonder if your sleep habits have changed from when we talked. If you are talking to people and getting the love you need, I'm sure it has changed. Even if those habits haven't changed, I hope your dreams are always sweet.

Don't slip away

More and more lately I've been feeling the urge to stop. I've been feeling like stopping these messages. I haven't been talking to as many friends. I haven't been going out. I have stopped pretending that I care in many ways. It's a dangerous urge to be isolated that has been picking at me for a while now. I know that, once I've isolated myself, I'll feel the urge to disappear.

I can't let that happen. I need to keep acting normal so that I can do normal things. By doing normal things, I can progress in life. Progress leads to stability, and stability will lead you to me. I believe I've described this ladder before. I don't think there's anything I can do to stop this urge, but this feeling is one I actually should ignore. I've said that I need to be honest with myself, but what good is honesty when it takes me away from you? There's a time for being true and a time for coverup. I wish the times could be more clear. Life is all about the unknown though, isn't it?

So I will keep going. I won't slip. I pray that you're continuing too, firmly. We must keep going until we meet again.

Lyric desperation

Not every sentimental song fits what I feel. I find myself listening closely, though, trying to relate. I even relisten, knowing that the lyrics aren't quite right. There are a good handful of songs I've collected in my playlist, but for some reason I keep trying to grab for more. Just how many songs do I need to claim to be satisfied? I suppose that's the wrong question to ask.

Words, melodies, actions? Perhaps no amount of them will satisfy my need. Need for expression? Specifically, expression to you. Should I ever even be satisfied with how I've expressed myself? Perhaps I should always hunger to weave or discover things that take these feelings and give them form.

I should perhaps put aside finding my words in different lyrics. I haven't even memorized lyrics of the songs I have found. Maybe I should learn just what I've tried to say so far.

The wrong freedom

Freedom is an odd thing. It can amount to anything. The freedom to do something great and helpful, versus the freedom to destroy and bury. To defend freedom requires that one give up some amount of one's own freedom. By exercising freedom, one often encroaches on that of another person. Life isn't about being free, I think. It's about holding hands, whether termed restraints or bonds.

In the past years, I've found freedom with you. We took each other to experiences we'd never reached before. But I found many of the wrong freedoms. I did lovely stuff with you, but when it came to doing something spectacular I was too intimidated. I thought of constraints that were hardly even there, and I let them keep us back. However, emotional constraints came undone more easily. Maybe it was the rawness of your expression that frayed those constraints and let me act out.

I feel that losing you has changed that completely. Those emotional constraints are quite strongly back in place, maybe regenerated by the tears that refused to be shed. Those spectacular things I wouldn't do before are so clearly in reach, now that I see how insignificant those other constraints were. Well, perhaps I was unshackled back when I took you to the beach that night. I now know which of these freedoms is right and which is wrong.

I concentrated on your negatives

When I broke up with you, I made myself empty. I ignored the feelings that I had for you so that I could be strong. Then I lied, trying to make myself believe that you were nothing good for me. Even though we were still friends, I treated you harshly. You asked me to see a school play with you and I refused, saying, "Why would I watch people I don't know in a play I don't care about with my ex girlfriend?" You asked to be driven home from school and I replied, "I'm not your boyfriend anymore, so I'm not obligated to go out of my way to save you a short walk." I refused to go out of my way to make you happy, and that stung you.

On top of that, I complained about you to other people. I said that you ran off on me with a lesbian. I told people that all you did with me was use my computer and have me do chores. I sighed that you never bothered to be intimate with me. I moaned that you would always yell at me or hit me. Good riddance, I claimed! But that claim was a lie to them and to myself, because they were exaggerated and partial truths. I refused to acknowledge the rest of what we had, of what I felt.

I can only imagine that you're doing the same to me now. You're trying as I did to leave us behind. You've pushed me away by not talking to me at all. You probably tell yourself and your acquaintances that I'm just a nutjob pervert and life is so much better without me. If you are saying that, I forgive you. I know just what it's like to think that it's best to paint our picture in ugly hues.

Kill la kill

Today, I finished watching an anime called Kill la Kill. I wasn't very interested in it when it debuted. It has strange animation and artstyle for an anime. I saw plenty of images on the internet of barely-covered women from the series, and you know I don't care for ecchi. Finally, the name just didn't catch me.

However, Kill la Kill is more than those elements. Men and women alike are shown in various levels of clothing, including none (though the body wasn't detailed). I came to appreciate the way the show looked. The name ended up being insignificant, though I eventually figured that "la" is meant to make the title sound more French; French phrases occasionally make their appearance in the dialogue. The anime has great lore, interesting plot, and, I'll admit, enticing eye candies. A tiny bit of the humor was not my thing, but it mostly got me smiling and laughing!

I think you'd like this one. Action, lore, comedy, hotness, all well-put into 24 episodes. The anime seems at first to be about familial avengement, exaggerated people, and clothing that grants powers. All the simple concepts are revealed to be part of a much thicker and more complex tapestry of plot! I don't really expect you to watch it, since you're so busy and anime isn't a priority, but I still think it would appeal to you!

Last minute messages

I really should write these second messages earlier. With only 10 minutes left in the day, I feel a bit rushed to put my words together. At least the first message today came in the afternoon, though. Those words were meaningful, and I had a lot of time to think about them.

I've been so desperate to distract myself. I know for a fact that ignoring how I feel only makes things worse. But the urge of depression is to slow to a halt, to cut everything off. It's not so easy to defy that urge, to do things that won't help and deny things that will. It's much too early to slip away, but what can I do to return to my place?

Sometimes I ask, what am I even holding on to anymore? Even when I know the answer is you, I sometimes keep questioning it since you aren't here. I have to keep going, even to the last minute.

Togetherness

You were always more of a game enthusiast and I was more of an anime enthusiast. We're both PC gamers, but we've only ever had one gaming PC in the same place. I always let you play because you were so opposed to watching me. It's not like I didn't like watching you, and it's not like you didn't care for me watching. You complained whenever I turned my attention to something else. However, I often felt like doing that wasn't quite spending our time together.

Watching shows is something we do together. It's not interactive, but we are sharing the exact same experience. We make comments and eat the same snacks. We hold each others' hands and lay side by side. From that first time we watched Welcome to the NHK! on my bed, to the last time we watched a dance showcase, I felt like we were truly spending our time together. We did have our times together with games, though. For example, even if my low-spec laptop ran it poorly, we did play Minecraft together. In that game, it was less about the non-existent story we were absorbing and more about working, fighting, and screwing around together. Playing Portal 2, Dragon's Nest, and other games together was lovely too, even when we weren't in the same room.

But nothing beats laying together on my bed, staring into each other's eyes. Admiring your face, feeling your skin on my lips, holding you close to me. That ultimate experience of spending time with you, with nothing but our love occupying us. I will always hold that experience so dearly.

I should spread these messages out more

I'm sorry. I've been writing the two messages each day very close to each other lately. It's nearly midnight when I've posted the second one. I really should at least write the first one in the morning. I have many opportunities to write in the morning, but I usually get up and tackle my hunger and entertainment first. I rather struggle to have priorities since everything is so meaningless to me. That's no excuse though.

As always, it isn't like I have nothing to say. It's been difficult to find words lately, though. I feel like they come to me more easily at night. I've dealt with my day, lived it out, and I don't bother looking forward to tomorrow. It's the perfect time for me to sit down and hunt down words. All is quiet, and I'm more capable of getting in touch with those phrases that have been eluding me during the day.

I'll try to write tomorrow morning. I don't have work, don't even have school, don't have to go out of the house. Of course I still have responsibilities, but they can honestly wait. Many of them have been waiting for quite a while. I really need to put my clean laundry away. Well, do look forward to an early message tomorrow, okay? Take care.

Water

I love the water. I always enjoy a glass of good water to drink. I like swimming and floating around in water. I like taking terribly long showers. I smile in the rain as the raindrops hit my skin and the world. My astrological sign, Scorpio, is a water sign. The element of the Kingdom Hearts character you assigned to me, Demyx, is water.

Lately, I've been droplets. I've hardly been enough to do anything, and that's fine. Looking back on times when I was angry, I've never been fiery; rather, I've been the crashing of waves or of a waterfall. When I was vengeful, I've been the drag of a river's current or a shore's riptide. When I'm upset, my surface ripples on contact with falling precipitation of frustrations and regrets.

So is that why I can't burn up inside? Is that why I feel so dry most of the time, and at others I feel like I'm drowning? Is that why, at my worst, I'm dragged through a vast sadness as if by terrifying and uncontrollable jets? Has my shoreline's waves stayed small, has my river shriveled? I suppose that water cannot die, though, like a flame can.